Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Fast Action by Rape Victim Helps Police Catch Predator
DEAR ABBY: You were correct to advise "Survivor in San Francisco" that acquaintance rape must be reported as soon as possible. Drug rapes can be difficult to prove. GHB (a common incapacitating drug) leaves the victim's body in 12 hours without a trace. Filing charges immediately enables police to obtain a search warrant to look for evidence that supports the charges -- such as vials of drugs, or drug residue in a glass.
A friend of mine was drugged and raped last summer. I'll spare you the details, but she had the guts to go immediately to the police. After the rapist was arrested, other victims came forward. No one knows for sure how many victims there are, but it's alleged that he had been drugging and raping for years.
I believe that failure to report such a crime makes one an accomplice. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance; part of one's responsibility as a citizen is to fight for justice. If any of the previous victims had reported their rape, perhaps my friend might not have been raped.
I'd also like to begin a campaign to eliminate from the lexicon the words "date rape" and "acquaintance rape." "Incapacitation rape" is more appropriate. We don't say "date murder" or "acquaintance murder," despite the fact that most murders are committed by someone known to the victim. Let's not supply euphemisms to heinous crimes. Criminals should be reported, tried and punished accordingly if found guilty. -- ANGRY BOYFRIEND IN VERMONT
DEAR ANGRY BOYFRIEND: I agree. It is unfortunate that in cases of sexual assault, many people still tend to blame the victim. And because of that mind-set, many rape victims also blame themselves for what happened to them. Until that attitude changes, and until parents get the message across to their children of both sexes that women have the right to say no to sex, sexual assaults will continue. Victims must find the courage to report these crimes so the predator can be stopped.
DEAR ABBY: Here's a topper for your "can you top this" collection. My wife and I attended a lovely wedding. The groom was a 45-year-old physician; his bride is a 38-year-old professional. It was a first marriage for both, a lavish affair with a reception and formal dinner following the ceremony.
Six weeks later, we received the following e-mail from the newlyweds: "Dear Friends: We're back from our glorious honeymoon romp through the game parks of East Africa, and still basking in the glow of our wedding.
"Tomorrow we're meeting with the catering manager at the hotel where our wedding was held, because we're disputing the liquor bill from the wedding dinner. Their claim works out to seven drinks per person! This is separate from the wine and champagne served during dinner.
"Would you please e-mail us the number and kind of drinks you drank at our wedding? We are meeting at 9 a.m. so we need your response ASAP. Thank you (all) for making our wedding so special."
Abby, my wife and I are aghast at this request. What's your take on this? -- APPALLED IN LEUCADIA, CALIF.
DEAR APPALLED: That bill must have been a sobering reality after an intoxicating honeymoon. Either some guests from another wedding wandered into the doctor's reception, or a horde of free-loaders bellied up to the bar. Whatever the cause, the problem needs investigation.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Husband's Violence to Pet Could Escalate to People
DEAR ABBY: I am a social worker at a large, church-owned group home for abused, abandoned and neglected children. I hear many stories similar to the letter from "Wanting Peace and Quiet in Oklahoma," who described how her "wonderful husband, Chad" breaks things, punches holes in the walls, and had even flung the family dog to the ground in a fit of anger.
I wonder if that woman is really considering what's best for her children, or if she's like some single mothers whose desire to feel loved by a man has clouded their decisions.
If her children grow up with Chad as their father, they may end up attaching themselves to an abuser or even becoming abusers themselves, believing violence is acceptable because it's familiar.
That woman should leave Chad for now. It's healthier to be a single-parent family than a two-parent family in an atmosphere of violence, incest or discord. If Chad really loves his family, he'll do whatever it takes to become the husband and father he needs to be to get them back. If he doesn't -- he's no asset to the family.
That mother should protect her children now, rather than risk their becoming statistics in the foster care system. -- SOCIAL WORKER, FALCON, N.C.
DEAR SOCIAL WORKER: I agree that for the sake of her children, "Wanting Peace and Quiet" must end the fear and disruption in their lives. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Chad's" actions have nothing to do with an "anger" problem. They have everything to do with controlling his spouse. His behavior is a planned technique to control through fear and intimidation. He does not need anger management. At a minimum, he needs to be in a batterers treatment program and to be prosecuted for his abusive treatment and do some jail time. It should not be jail in lieu of treatment, but a combination of the two.
I am a law enforcement officer who has spent years working with survivors of violent relationships. I see a tremendous need for society to stop the violence and hold batterers accountable. My experience shows that the husband is abusing the pet to show the wife and children what he'll do to them if they tell anyone.
That woman should seek help immediately to begin safety planning and counseling. -- OFFICER DAN
DEAR OFFICER DAN: "Wanting Peace" did not describe her husband as violent to her or the kids. She said she was afraid to assert herself for fear that he would walk out on her. I advised her to get counseling ASAP to get her priorities in order and to give her a more complete understanding of what she must do.
While violence to animals, intimidation of children and destruction of property are deplorable, it appears that some women do not have the emotional strength to leave their abusers without outside intervention. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: No matter how "wonderful" her husband is the rest of the time, anyone who deliberately hurts the family pet (in front of the children, no less!) is clearly a danger to the rest of the family.
People who scapegoat and abuse defenseless animals are also prone to hurt human beings. In recent years, cruelty toward companion animals has been increasingly recognized as a warning sign of other actual or potential violence within the family.
The Humane Society of the United States began a campaign last year called "The First Strike Campaign," to alert the public to the connection between animal abuse and violence toward humans.
Abuse toward any living being -- human or animal -- is a serious problem that should never be tolerated. -- CONCERNED READER IN NEW YORK CITY
DEAR CONCERNED: You're right. According to a 1997 survey, in the largest shelters for battered women in 19 states and the District of Columbia, 85.4 percent of women and 63 percent of children described incidents of pet abuse in the family.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Dying Man's Lesson of Love Changes Friend's Priorities
DEAR ABBY: I recently went to visit a Marine from our reserve unit. He is receiving radiation treatments for an inoperable brain tumor. My objective was to comfort him.
I stood by his bed for 30 minutes. He squeezed my hand repeatedly to let me know he was still strong in will and determined to fight through anything as a true Marine. Then his wife came in. She gently rubbed his other arm and asked him if he needed anything. He looked her in the face, mustered his energy, and with a shine in his eyes replied, "You are all I will ever need."
At that moment, the comment appeared to be a nice retort. Five minutes later, it hit me between the eyes. Tears welled up inside me as I realized it had been far more than just an exchange of words -- it had been an exchange of love.
Here was a man suffering great pain from a tumor that had taken control of his body. He could have asked for more medication or to be fed or comforted. He could have asked for something to quench his thirst. But the only thing that made him feel good was something he had even before the tumor took control -- the devotion of a loving woman who now stood unselfishly by his side. She had been there through every day of their marriage, and her love did not fade in his hour of tragic illness.
Master Gunnery Sgt. Michael Bussiere became my "professor of life experience." Little did I realize when I went to visit him that he would teach me a lesson that would impact my life. However, without intending to, he challenged me to reorganize my priorities and forever change the way I look at the woman I wake up with daily. My task now is to not lose sight of the love he and his wife shared, and to never take for granted the love between my wife and me.
Thank you, Michael. -- MAJ. BRIAN SMALLWOOD, USMC
DEAR MAJ. SMALLWOOD AND DEAR READERS: Master Gunnery Sgt. Michael Bussiere passed away before this letter could be published. I extend my deepest sympathy to his family and to you at this sad time. The most precious gift we leave behind are the lessons we teach and the examples we set for others. Because of that, no matter how short the span, no life is wasted.
DEAR ABBY: Your column requesting that readers donate old cell phones to victims of domestic violence will undoubtedly provide them with easier access to 9-1-1. However, of great concern to the National Emergency Number Association (NENA) is the fact that cell phones are of limited use in certain emergencies. Please share the following lifesaving information with your readers:
(1) Users must allow a few extra seconds for an answer when dialing 9-1-1.
(2) The caller must give the operator the street address or other information that will allow the center to deploy a team to the site.
(3) Emergency response centers do not have the technology to determine the caller's location or cell phone number. Therefore, the caller must describe the emergency and provide the cell phone number, in case a callback is necessary.
NENA views any effort to help victims of crime and domestic violence as a noble and worthwhile cause. Thank you, Abby, for doing your part to get the word out about the limitations of cell phones. -- W. MARK ADAMS, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, NENA
DEAR MARK: Thank you for the warning. While cell phones can be lifesavers during certain emergencies, they have their drawbacks when compared with "land lines."
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)