For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Baseball Coach Strikes Out With Struggling Player's Mom
DEAR ABBY: I have five children and am neither an overbearing nor overly protective mother. After reading Michelle Klein's code of conduct for children's sporting events, I have a few comments and suggestions for coaches.
Our youngest son is 10. He was adopted from an overseas orphanage. We took him knowing he had some physical challenges. Last year, I asked a tenderhearted baseball coach to place him on a team with younger players. He played all season and did fine.
This year, my request was disregarded. My son is now on a team with other 10-year-old boys. He is not only struggling as a player, but his self-esteem is in the cellar.
Every week, his coach prints out each player's batting average, number of doubles, triples, home runs and strike-outs. (My son averages nine strike-outs and zero runs.) After some sleepless nights, I told the coach how damaging and humiliating this is for my son. I explained again about his two eye surgeries and other disabilities.
The coach said that baseball is all about statistics, and my son's self-esteem problem was mine to deal with. He said he's been coaching for 12 years (his son is the No. 1 player), and he was not going to change. My instinct is to pull my son out of the league, but I know that would only make him feel worse.
So, Abby, this being said, I urge coaches to keep in mind these two additional suggestions for the code of conduct:
(1) Please don't have children run laps for a lack of talent. It is counterproductive for building the skill they lack. (After running laps, my son was so tired he struck out again, and had to run laps again!)
(2) Please leave your misdirected hormones, ego and military style at home and remember you are coaching children -- and this is a GAME! -- PROUD OF MY SON IN WASHINGTON
DEAR PROUD: Your son's coach is so focused on winning that he has lost sight of the fact that children's sports are supposed to teach them sportsmanship and a love of the game.
Talk to the parents of your son's teammates. It's possible that you can find allies. Together you might be able to convince the board that hired the coach to dismiss him. If that's not possible, rather than allowing your son to be humiliated, consider taking him out of baseball for a year and involving him in another activity he will enjoy and at which he can excel.
P.S. I agree with you that making a child run laps as a punishment is counterproductive. Depending on the child's health, it could also be damaging or even fatal.
DEAR ABBY: When dining out in a restaurant, where do you leave your napkin when the meal is over? I say it should be left on the table, but my cousin thinks it should be placed on the seat of your chair. Who is right? -- CLUELESS COUSINS
DEAR COUSINS: When the meal is finished, your napkin should be placed to the left of the place setting, unfolded. However, if you need to leave the table during the meal, leave your napkin on your chair and push the chair in, close to the table.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Girl Resists Parents' Pleas to Get Out There and Play
DEAR ABBY: I am writing because I have no one else who will give me advice. I am a freshman in high school and have never really been interested in playing sports. I am on the speech team, math club and newspaper staff.
My parents feel that I have to play a sport. They have paid for lessons in dance and tennis, but I really have no interest in playing. I even tried to make the dance team to please them, but I didn't make it. They just don't seem to understand that I don't like sports. Today I had my tennis lesson and played really bad. I tried, but I must have had an off day.
When I got in the car, my parents chewed me out. They said I was lazy, and I was going to play a sport whether I liked it or not. I like to play tennis occasionally, but I'm not in love with it.
Can you help me get the message across to them that I don't want to play sports, nor do I like them? Please help! -- ELLEN IN FRANKLIN, TENN.
DEAR ELLEN: You have my sympathy. I took tennis lessons for seven months straight. At the end of that time the only person I could rally with was my instructor because no matter where I hit the ball, he could manage to get it back to me. No one else was so generous. So the answer to the question, "Tennis, anyone?" is, "Perhaps. But not EVERYone."
Your parents may be trying to teach you the importance of being physically fit as well as intellectually active. Exercise relieves stress, tones muscles and burns calories, to mention only a few of the plusses. A compromise may be in order. Rather than taking tennis lessons, ask them if you can join a gym and agree to go there three or four times a week for cardiovascular exercise and some weight-training with professional supervision. You'll be learning health habits that will last a lifetime -- and it will get you off your rusty-dusty.
DEAR ABBY: Your letters about putting cash or checks in sympathy cards remind me of the one and only time I was the recipient of such a gift. In 1966, my first husband, Barry, committed suicide, leaving me a widow at age 26. We were living in Los Angeles. Barry worked for a mail courier service and got to know an African-American gentleman who was a supervisor at the post office. He and his wife became our friends, and it was they who tucked a few bills in their sympathy card. It made me wonder if they came from a wiser and more generous culture than I did.
I will always remember Ben and Claire Gibson for their precious gift of friendship and the opportunity to get to know their friends and family. Thanks to that beginning, I have been open to and able to form other such precious friendships. I've lost contact with them, but if they are still on this Earth, I hope they will read this. You may print my name. -– JOCELYN KEENAN HOWELLS, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR JOCELYN: You're right. The gift of their friendship was more valuable and long-lasting than the money. I, too, hope they read your letter.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Racing Toward Legal Age Doesn't Know Rules of the Road
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter will be 18 in a few weeks. She has announced that at that time she will be of "legal age" and will no longer have to obey us. She believes she can drive anywhere (in our car), buy anything she wants (with our money), and not have to abide by a curfew (while living under our roof and paying no rent).
We have tried to explain that this is not how "legal age" works if she intends to continue living in our house. She insists she has the "right" to demand our money and make the rules.
Would you please shed some light on what "legal age" means? She reads your column. Thank you. –- DISTRAUGHT CHICAGO PARENTS
DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Gladly! It's time your daughter learned the realities of life. First among them is that as long as she lives under your roof and is supported by you, she must be respectful and obey the rules of the house. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I thought you and your readers might be interested in what our local parent-teacher organization publishes for the families of high school students. It's a list of legal documents students should have when they reach their 18th birthday and are legally adults.
1. A will. A will is a document that provides for the way a person's property will be distributed upon death. Without a will, the owner's property will be distributed according to the state statute governing descent.
2. Living Will. This additional document gives specific directions in the event of a terminal condition.
3. General Power of Attorney. Through this legal document, a person appoints or empowers another person to act on his or her behalf. A young adult usually appoints a parent. For example, if the child is away at school, the parent can legally handle banking, motor vehicle and tax return obligations for the student. The document could become especially important should the child become disabled, incompetent or incapacitated, as might happen in an accident.
4. Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care. This is similar to the general power of attorney. In this case, the appointed person can make only health care decisions, and they can be made only if the individual does not have the capacity to make informed decisions.
For an unmarried teen, the typical cost of these four documents, prepared by a legal firm, is about $200 to $300. –- OHIO MOM
DEAR OHIO MOM: I'm sure your letter will be a wake-up call to any teen who wants to be a responsible adult.
DEAR ABBY: Recently I was informed that two of my poems are to be published by a prestigious poetry organization. My wife and I are delighted and decided to celebrate.
At first we planned to go to Busch Gardens. Upon reflection, we decided that I should go to the beach alone. We remembered the old adage: "A bard in the sand is worth two in the Busch." –- MARTY IN FALLBROOK, CALIF.
DEAR MARTY: You win. I'm speechless. Not only are you a published bard, but from my perspective, you're quite a card.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)