What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Racing Toward Legal Age Doesn't Know Rules of the Road
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter will be 18 in a few weeks. She has announced that at that time she will be of "legal age" and will no longer have to obey us. She believes she can drive anywhere (in our car), buy anything she wants (with our money), and not have to abide by a curfew (while living under our roof and paying no rent).
We have tried to explain that this is not how "legal age" works if she intends to continue living in our house. She insists she has the "right" to demand our money and make the rules.
Would you please shed some light on what "legal age" means? She reads your column. Thank you. –- DISTRAUGHT CHICAGO PARENTS
DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Gladly! It's time your daughter learned the realities of life. First among them is that as long as she lives under your roof and is supported by you, she must be respectful and obey the rules of the house. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I thought you and your readers might be interested in what our local parent-teacher organization publishes for the families of high school students. It's a list of legal documents students should have when they reach their 18th birthday and are legally adults.
1. A will. A will is a document that provides for the way a person's property will be distributed upon death. Without a will, the owner's property will be distributed according to the state statute governing descent.
2. Living Will. This additional document gives specific directions in the event of a terminal condition.
3. General Power of Attorney. Through this legal document, a person appoints or empowers another person to act on his or her behalf. A young adult usually appoints a parent. For example, if the child is away at school, the parent can legally handle banking, motor vehicle and tax return obligations for the student. The document could become especially important should the child become disabled, incompetent or incapacitated, as might happen in an accident.
4. Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care. This is similar to the general power of attorney. In this case, the appointed person can make only health care decisions, and they can be made only if the individual does not have the capacity to make informed decisions.
For an unmarried teen, the typical cost of these four documents, prepared by a legal firm, is about $200 to $300. –- OHIO MOM
DEAR OHIO MOM: I'm sure your letter will be a wake-up call to any teen who wants to be a responsible adult.
DEAR ABBY: Recently I was informed that two of my poems are to be published by a prestigious poetry organization. My wife and I are delighted and decided to celebrate.
At first we planned to go to Busch Gardens. Upon reflection, we decided that I should go to the beach alone. We remembered the old adage: "A bard in the sand is worth two in the Busch." –- MARTY IN FALLBROOK, CALIF.
DEAR MARTY: You win. I'm speechless. Not only are you a published bard, but from my perspective, you're quite a card.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Woman Who Couldn't Cut Apron Strings Lost Love of Her Life
DEAR ABBY: Please urge "Wants Freedom From the Apron Strings," the 34-year-old woman who lives with her controlling parents, to run -- not walk -- to get her own apartment. It is the only way she will ever have a life of her own.
Forty years ago, I, too, wanted my freedom from my mother's apron strings. I was 18 and had dated "Tom" for three years. After our high school graduation, Tom invited me to visit him in Tennessee where he was working. I had always been intimidated by my mother. She told me I couldn't go unless I took someone with me. I told Tom what she had said, and he replied, "If I wanted to date the baby sitter, I would invite the baby sitter." I never made it to Tennessee.
Abby, Tom treated me with respect and was always good to me. I knew he loved me. I loved him, and I felt we could have a bright future together.
Every day of my life I regret I did not stand up to my mother. I have loved Tom for 40 years and will never get over him. He is long married, but in my heart he will always be mine. I have seen him from time to time over the years, and I still feel the same way.
Twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. The doctor advised me that if I did not leave my mother's house I would have a nervous breakdown. I finally got an apartment of my own. I still live in the same town. My relationship with my mother is full of resentment, even after all these years. I'm afraid I will always be ... CONTROLLED AND TRAPPED
DEAR CONTROLLED AND TRAPPED: I'm sorry you didn't write to me decades ago, because my advice would have been the same. You have many good years ahead of you. Counseling may help you to let go of the resentment you feel for your mother, while helping you to avoid feeling trapped. Only then will you really be free to be your own person.
DEAR ABBY: I thought you might enjoy a true story about grandparents as role models. It honors the unsung heroes in our lives:
As a boy, I grew up on Grandfather Herb's farm. He also worked as a school bus driver. In my eyes, his wisdom was boundless.
After years of listening to my grandfather's stories, it seemed logical to ask his opinion about my career choice. I had become a teacher in an inner-city school and was doubting my "calling" to teach difficult students.
Grandpa Herb told me to look at my hands. "See," he said, "there are 10 fingers. They are all different and useful. But you don't remember the nine good fingers when you have a sore thumb!"
His "sore thumb" analogy helped me to see past problems and focus on the nine "good fingers" in my classroom. I've been teaching for more than 20 years now, and I thank heaven for my wise grandfather who taught me to focus on what's really important. –- ISADORE "IZZY" SORCE, GREENFIELD, WIS.
P.S. Grandpa Herb is now 95!
DEAR IZZY: Only 95? Thumbs up for Grandfather Herb. He's wise beyond his years.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pregnant Cousin's Cover Story Grows to Near Epic Proportions
DEAR ABBY: We have a large, supportive extended family consisting of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. In the tradition of our Southern ancestors, we are forever attending family gatherings. In my generation, 12 cousins are especially close. We are now in our 60s.
In 1952 our cousin "Velma" became pregnant. We all pretended we didn't know. Her mother sent her to a home for unwed mothers 200 miles away. The baby was put up for adoption. The alibi for her absence was that she went on an extended tour of the great cities of Europe. We all pretended to believe it, to help her save face.
After about six months, Velma returned home and we welcomed her back. We thought she'd get on with her life. None of us brought up the subject of Europe because we didn't want to embarrass her. However, she began telling us how tall Big Ben is in London, how they erected the Eiffel Tower in Paris, how masculine Michelangelo's "David" is in Florence, and the circumference of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. We would try to change the subject, to no avail. Through the years her stories have progressed to the point of being all-consuming. Every conversation is filled with her fantasies about the great cities of Europe.
Abby, the family is tired of her monopolizing every conversation with her imaginary trip. Our "Aunt Iris," age 93, is getting hard to control. She says she has heard this lie for 49 years and she does not intend to spend the time she has left listening to "bull."
None of us wants a family blow-up, but we are all tired of the subject. Please advise. -- HAD IT IN DIXIE
DEAR HAD IT: When Cousin Velma was sent away, an "out of wedlock" pregnancy was regarded as a disgrace. One can hardly blame her for inventing a cover story. However, having pretended for nearly half a century that she took the Grand Tour, she may no longer be able to distinguish between fact and fantasy.
I see nothing to be gained at this late date by informing Cousin Velma that you have known the truth all along. Continue to let her save face. If Aunt Iris can't do that, she should strictly limit her time with Cousin Velma.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the mother of four married children who was "Appalled in Pennsylvania" when her nephew's future mother-in-law informed her that only one couple could be invited to the wedding. You replied correctly (I'm sure) that she was merely being honest enough to admit they were on a tight budget and left it up to "Appalled" to decide who would represent their family at the wedding.
The mother of the bride should have handled the problem like my mother-in-law. She simply included in her daughter's invitations: "Kids, nobody has any money to spare. I will reserve the pavilion in the park. It will be a potluck celebration. Please coordinate with me what you would like to bring."
Abby, everyone who was invited showed up bringing salads, entrees and desserts. It was one of the most enjoyable wedding receptions I ever attended. -- NO MONEY? NO PROBLEM!
DEAR NO MONEY?: I'm sure it was. When people "take ownership" and contribute to an event, it usually is very successful.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)