For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Commuters Keep Their Seats as Pregnant Woman Stands
DEAR ABBY: What is this world coming to? I live in an affluent suburb of Boston, and commute by subway to my job in the city. This morning I boarded a full train and took the last empty seat. Just as the doors were closing, a blind woman and her guide dog got on. I waited about 10 seconds (count it, Abby -– it's a long time). No one offered the woman a seat, so I gave her mine. She graciously accepted.
What the woman couldn't see -– but everyone else on the train could –- is that I am eight months pregnant. For the next half-hour, I stood with aching back and swollen ankles, jerking and swaying with every movement of the train, while college kids and well-dressed executive types in their 30s watched, sipped their coffee, read the sports section and offered zilch.
A pregnant woman gives up her seat on the train to a blind woman, while everyone else sits contentedly? If their mothers only knew! Sign me ... ONE MONTH TO GO IN HINGHAM, MASS.
DEAR ONE MONTH TO GO: If their mothers only knew? Dear lady, if their mothers had taken the time to teach them manners and empathy for others, someone in the passenger car would have given you a seat.
If any of your fellow passengers were young women -– what goes around comes around. As to the men -– it shows that living in wealthy suburbs doesn't guarantee that the residents have class.
DEAR ABBY: I am currently in my fourth month of survival following a fight with cancer.
When I was first diagnosed, I consulted an oncologist recommended by my general practitioner. Even though the doctor was obviously not busy, I was kept waiting in a dark, quiet, depressing room. When he finally did see me, he hadn't reviewed my file. He didn't call me by my first name or know my test results. He made me feel unimportant. I didn't go back.
A second oncologist was recommended. The difference was night and day. This doctor performed all the tests himself. He answered every question my wife and I had. When he was satisfied that all the questions were answered, he asked what I wanted from him. I said, "Save my life." He immediately put me on chemotherapy.
During the next five months, when I visited his office, his staff knew me by name, greeted me with a smile, and were emotionally supportive. The nurses administering the chemo were upbeat, encouraging and made me feel they cared about me.
Being surrounded by positive energy was extremely important to my recovery. Attitude is a vital element in the recovery process.
Bless the doctors, nurses and staff who helped me. They realized I was a person, and more than a printout of lab results. –- A CANCER SURVIVOR, NORTH HILL, CALIF.
DEAR SURVIVOR: I'm pleased that your cancer treatment was successful. You were wise to switch oncologists after that first consultation. Not all physicians have a good bedside manner, but if they don't, the smart ones hire support staff that can create an atmosphere that's warm, personal and reassuring to patients.
Medicine is not only a profession, but it is also a business. And people in business must be sensitive to customer relations if they're going to be successful.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Schizophrenia Patients Tell It Like It Is to Doctors' Group
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you asked readers who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia to write and describe their experiences with the mental health system for the Group for Advancement of Psychiatry. We received hundreds of candid, thoughtful and provocative letters, and while their treatment and reactions were diverse, many shared similar experiences.
They described their struggle with a terrible and frightening illness and the importance of their own inner strengths, as well as support from mental health professionals, family, friends, religion and work. What was vital was feeling cared-for, respected and listened-to by a knowledgeable doctor (or other professional), who would stick with them over the long haul.
Many readers complained that their care was hindered by insurance limitations, restrictive agency policies and insensitive or unskilled clinicians.
There were many inspirational letters about lifesaving care, yet we physicians were appalled by how often treatment was perceived as impersonal, fragmented and dehumanizing. Without social, personal, residential and vocational supports, medications rarely helped. However, we were touched and impressed that so many of your readers were resourceful in overcoming the limitations of their illnesses.
Stigma and prejudice from medical professionals, institutions and the general public were additional obstacles to recovery. Dozens of letters contained painful stories saying that being regarded as mentally ill slowed the person's progress. It is essential that people with mental illness be seen as capable human beings, who are much more than the illnesses with which they struggle.
Reading the letters was enlightening. In response, we have written a report, "Now That We Are Listening," summarizing important issues in treating schizophrenia and providing excerpts of some of the letters. The report is free to your readers.
Thank you for helping us and other psychiatrists to understand how our patients feel about their care. -– THE COMMITTEE ON PSYCHIATRY AND THE COMMUNITY GROUP FOR ADVANCEMENT OF PSYCHIARTY
DEAR COMMITTEE MEMBERS AND DEAR READERS: A great many medical consumers would love the chance to air their feelings about how they have been treated by "the system." Thank YOU for allowing my readers to level with you. I had the opportunity to review many of the letters readers sent to assist your study. While it came as no surprise that patients were willing to tell me things they wouldn't ordinarily tell their doctors, I was struck by their frankness.
Those interested in obtaining a copy of the booklet, "Now That We Are Listening," may do so by sending name and address to: McKassen, Attn: Maria Harryn, 800 Business Center Drive, Suite 100, Horsham, PA 19044. Be sure to include the title of the booklet with your request.
DEAR ABBY: I'm sending an original to add to your "you know you're getting older when ..." collection. It came to mind when I read about applications being submitted to have the Coliseum in Memphis and a local bridge spanning the Mississippi River, added to the register:
"You know you're getting old when a structure built during your lifetime is added to the National Registry of Historic Places." -– ELMER L. RAY, MARION, ARK.
DEAR ELMER: Your contribution is a hoot. I'm guessing many of our friends and neighbors will squirm each year when new additions to the Registry are announced. Your definition fits more of us than many would like to admit.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 ($9 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
PARTNER BECOMES INVISIBLE MAN TO LOVER'S POLITICAL FRIENDS
DEAR ABBY: My lover, "Jim," and I are gay and have been together for more than 10 years. Jim is deeply involved with Republican politics. He belongs to several local and state-wide Republican organizations.
When Jim and I go out together, sometimes people approach Jim and say, "Hi." They are usually acquaintances he knows from his political activities. Although I stand right next to Jim, he never introduces me. When this first started happening, I would stand there and smile at the person. They'd usually give me a "Why are you listening to a private conversation?" look, so I would step aside and pretend to be doing something else.
Jim's excuse is always the same: "I would have introduced you, but I forgot (his or her) name."
This evening was the last straw. A woman came up to Jim while we were shopping. They started to chat and I was ignored again. I was so hurt and angry I walked out of the store and sat in the car. When Jim came outside he gave me the same "I forgot her name" excuse. Jim could see I was angry, so he changed his story and I caught him in a lie. Then he said he intended to introduce me, but I'd left the store before he had a chance. During the drive home, he told me several times that he really does love me.
Abby, Jim may love me, but I don't think he respects me. I'm seriously considering ending our relationship. Do you think I'm being too sensitive? -- "JULES" IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR JULES: You are not too sensitive; you may have been too tolerant. Your love is afraid he will lose his status among his political cronies by admitting that you are a couple, so he's being dishonest -- with them, with you and himself. How sad for all concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I am an athletic 71-year-old lady. I golf, snow ski and scuba dive. My new husband (No. 4), "Geoffrey," is involved in all those sports. When I met him 14 years ago I decided to take up these activities because I didn't want to sit at home while he played.
Geoff retired last year after 50 years as a physician in family practice. We immediately sold our home and moved to the beach. We have always enjoyed a loving relationship and since his retirement have been inseparable -- until I had surgery on my elbow for a problem caused by playing too much golf, which is Geoff's passion.
While my elbow is healing, I'm out of commission, so Geoff joined a private course. He chooses to play with other women, as that is how most tournaments are set up. Geoff is turning 81 this year, but looks and acts much younger. Abby, he's a big flirt, and talks to women constantly.
I am very depressed about not playing right alongside him, and I'm beginning to feel completely excluded. How should I handle this? Do I let him do as he wishes? (By the way, he's also been married four times.) Thanks for any guidance you can give me. -- ON THE SIDELINES IN VERO BEACH, FLA.
DEAR ON THE SIDELINES: Don't try to curtail your husband's activities because you are unable to participate. Become his biggest fan -- sit in his golf cart or in the gallery and cheer him on as he swings with the ladies! He'll love the attention, and it may make it more difficult for the women to score.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)