Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Grandma Fears Losing Touch With Boy Left Alone Too Often
DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old grandson, "Grant," is in deep trouble. I must find a way to help him. Two years ago he had to take on a menopausal, reclusive stepmom. Of course, these poor children from broken homes don't get to vote their fate; they must accept whatever is thrust upon them.
Stepmom has turned Grant's downstairs playroom into a master bedroom and entertainment center. She watches TV down there with my former son-in-law (Grant's father).
Grant is not allowed to go down there unless he receives special permission. He spends most of his time alone in his upstairs bedroom playing his boom box or watching TV in the living room.
Recently, telephone privileges were cut off between Grant and me. Grant's father candidly told me that my not calling makes his home happier for his "recluse." I am sure he will cut off my visits if I try to help Grant.
Abby, I don't know what to do. Is there any way I can help him? -- HURTING INSIDE
DEAR HURTING: Don't do anything to threaten your visits with your grandson. He needs you. You must become his loving, safe harbor. See him as often as you can. Help him to express his feelings. Let him know he can tell you anything, and you will not be judgmental or get angry.
Do things a 9-year-old boy will enjoy so he can bond closely and experience some happiness with you. Let him know he can count on you when things seem the darkest.
If his father and stepmother do cut off your visits, then call ChildHelp USA (1-800-422-4453) for expert advice on this sad case of emotional child abuse.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can stand one more letter about funerals. I read your "eulogy" articles on July 31. It was the day after my husband was buried.
My darling wore a red Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. I included photographs, a back-scratcher, money clip, blue rose and a 1-inch-tall bear, a white rosary and a toy skunk that sang, "How Sweet It Is to Be Loved by You." I wrote the eulogy and took lots of pictures. I had an open casket at the graveside service. An American flag draped the silver metal casket.
His family was horrified that I buried their family member in this manner. I had only known him 8 1/2 years and they knew him a lifetime.
I kissed him "bye" and let the skunk do its thing while I left. I had the funeral director give the flag to my husband's sister instead of to me.
Everyone should do what they feel is right in their heart, not what people tell them is right.
I sleep peacefully every night because I buried my friend, my husband, my lover in a manner he would have been proud of. -- SAD IN LAKE CITY, FLA.
DEAR SAD: A-A-A-men! (I'll bet he's glad you packed only the essentials.)
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Body Art Finds More Foes Than Fans Among Employers
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Out-of-Work Mom," who was disturbed because she was rejected by potential employers when they noticed her pierced tongue and multiple ear piercings.
Just as her piercings and tattoos reflect her personal style and values, a business owner's employees reflect his or hers. Like it or not, customers judge the business by the appearance and behavior of the frontline employees. It makes sense that an employer will hire those who present themselves in a way that's compatible with the image the business owner wants to project.
If she really wants to find employment that will help her provide well for herself and her daughter, "Mom" should consider leaving her individuality at home. (I wish you well, Young Mother.) -- AN OLDER MOTHER IN TEXAS
DEAR OLDER MOTHER: That letter generated a flurry of mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Someone should inform "Out-of-Work Mom" that many people do base their attitudes on first impressions. Is she big enough not to cop an attitude when that happens? I agree that she has every right to pierce whatever she wants -- but if she can't stand the backlash, she shouldn't blame it on others. The choice was hers. -- PREVIOUS EMPLOYER IN MICH.
DEAR PREVIOUS EMPLOYER: I agree. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a job interviewer, if that young woman walked into my office with a tongue ring, the interview would be over. Not because I think a tongue ring is freaky, but because I think it is inappropriate for a job interview -- as are shorts, jeans, transparent clothing, T-shirts and visible underwear.
Experience has shown me that every time we have made allowances for an applicant's odd behavior in a job interview, we have gone on to have performance problems with that employee. -- SERIOUS INTERVIEWER, SILVER SPRING, MD.
DEAR INTERVIEWER: In fairness, not all employers are as rigid in their thinking as you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Out-of-Work" was a little outdated. I am a newspaper reporter with a pierced tongue. Like several other professionals here, I wear my piercings to work.
Fortunately, my employers looked at my skills and professionalism, not at the metal stud in my tongue -- which I wore to my interview and was hired anyway. Wish "Out-of-Work" luck for me. -- PIERCED BUT PROFESSIONAL IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PIERCED PROFESSIONAL: You are not the only pierced professional who piped up. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Tell that young woman to take heart. I am the administrative assistant to the Canadian president of a large U.S.-based company, and I have had my tongue pierced for almost a year now. My boss wasn't aware my tongue was pierced until I told him one day, three months after I was hired.
Times are changing, and "conservative" companies must get with it or they'll miss out on some talented employees over a couple of little pieces of jewelry. -- MOM IN TORONTO, CANADA
DEAR MOM: You could be right -- but judging from the mail I received from the business world, you are fortunate to have a very liberal employer. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I was barely 18, I, too, got a tattoo. For my 40th birthday, I treated myself to a full physical. When the doctor saw my tattoo, she asked how old it was and had I ever had a hepatitis test. Well, I tested positive for antibodies to Hep-B. My doctor assured me that it wasn't a death sentence, but advised that I never donate blood. It's a shame, because with my blood type, I would have been a universal donor.
My message to young people: Get vaccinated and keep your tattoos and piercings in perspective, or to yourselves. -- TATTOOED INTERVIEWER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TATTOOED: Good advice. I hope that those who need it will "get the point."
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
EARLY DETECTION AND TREATMENT PREVENT DIABETIC EYE DISEASE
DEAR ABBY: I am an ophthalmologist who specializes in the treatment of diseases of the retina -- which is the "seeing tissue" of the eye. You cannot imagine how frustrating, disheartening and sad it is to see patients on a daily basis who have vision loss from the effects of their diabetes. In many instances, I am the person who must inform them that they may not get their vision back and eventually they will become legally blind.
The reason I am frustrated is because I know that if these patients had only come in earlier, or exercised better control of their blood sugar (glucose) levels, blood pressure and cholesterol, most of their visual loss could have been avoided.
Please, Abby, remind your readers with diabetes that by maintaining control of their blood sugar they can reduce visual loss. Every patient over the age of 30 who is diabetic should have an eye exam as soon as he or she is diagnosed and a yearly exam thereafter. Diabetic eye disease does not cause pain and it must be treated early, while vision is still good, to avoid serious loss of sight. With proper care and attention, blindness -- one of the most devastating complications of diabetes -- can be prevented. -- DAVID S. BOYER, M.D., DIRECTOR, AMERICAN DIABETES ASSOCIATION OF L.A.
DEAR DR. BOYER: Thank you for an important letter. I was shocked to learn that an estimated 16 million people in the United States have diabetes, and one-third of them do not know they have it. While diabetes affects people of all ages and ethnicities, diabetes is more prevalent in minority communities -- especially Hispanics, African Americans and American Indians.
However, regardless of ethnicity -- if there is a history of diabetes in the family, an annual physical examination and an eye examination by a medical doctor are a must. The sight you save, and the quality of life you improve, could be your own.
DEAR ABBY: The letters from "Furious in Adrian, Mich.," the 14-year-old whose ex-boyfriend wrongly claimed to have had sex with her, and "No Big Deal in New Jersey," who suggested telling people, "... he tried, but he was sooo small ..." reminded me of an episode on the sitcom "Welcome Back Kotter."
A pretty girl in class was rumored to be promiscuous. All the guys bragged about sleeping with her at one time or another. Her solution: She announced that she was pregnant and was going to publicly reveal the identity of the father of her baby in class the next day. By morning, not one male would admit to ever having slept with her, with one exception. The character Horshack -- the class nerd -- proclaimed that he was the father and would marry her if she would have him. He probably couldn't even spell S-E-X, let alone get a date with a girl. But he was determined to do "the honorable thing."
If "Furious" would announce that she was pregnant and that she was bringing a paternity suit against her ex-boyfriend and his parents, I think he would stop the lying. -- TAMMY IN FLORIDA
DEAR TAMMY: But what if he didn't? Some misguided young men are under the impression that fathering a child makes them appear manly -- although nothing could be further from the truth. "Furious" has enough problems already without spreading a false rumor that could backfire.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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