What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a teen-age girl, and I'd like to offer some advice to other teens before they decide to have sex. Besides the possibility of getting pregnant or a sexually transmitted disease (STD), here are three reasons to remain a virgin:
1. When you get married, you want to be faithful to your spouse, right? Well, if you have sex now, you are already cheating on your future spouse.
2. Even though there are different kinds of contraceptives to choose from, none of them can protect your emotions. When you have sex, you become emotionally entangled with the other person. That's why it hurts so much if you break up. Sex should be part of a lifelong commitment.
3. Sex doesn't mean love. If your date doesn't respect your wishes not to have sex, he or she doesn't love you.
Abby, please print this. I'm so sick of my friends and classmates getting hurt by having sex. -- EAST COAST TEEN-AGER
DEAR EAST COAST TEEN-AGER: You have listed some convincing reasons for putting off having sex until marriage. I have heard from many teens over the years who said they wished they had waited. My reply to them is that just because a person has had sex doesn't mean she (or he) must continue to do so if it feels like it's doing something wrong. This is a debate that has gone on during the entire lifetime of this column. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I recently found a clipping from one of your old columns. I think it is worth repeating:
"When I saw him, I liked him.
"When I liked him, I loved him.
"When I loved him, I let him.
"When I let him, I lost him."
Some may consider me old-fashioned, but I wish one of my granddaughters had followed this advice before it was too late. -- GRANDMA IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR GRANDMA: That little jingle is certainly worth reprinting. Regardless of how old it is, it contains some hard truth. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a guy, 18, and I have something to say to girls who sleep around. They may think they are "hot stuff," but they should hear what is said about them in the locker room. These poor girls think it is flattering to be sought out -- that it is a compliment to have sex. Not so! It is cheap and degrading to be used. I wouldn't want my two sisters talked about like that.
Abby, I think there should be classes to teach girls not to throw themselves away like this. -- A DECENT GUY IN DETROIT
DEAR DECENT: If only solving the problem were that simple! Judging from the mail I receive from mothers of teen-age boys, the pressure to have sex isn't a one-way street with the girls being "victimized" anymore. These days, girls pressure guys to have sex, too. A step in the right direction is for parents of teens of both sexes to let them know they don't have to perform in order to conform.
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married twice and have children from both marriages. I am now divorced again and have legally changed back to my maiden name.
How should my teen-age children's friends address me? Since I am not a "Mrs.," I would almost prefer to have them call me by my first name rather than pretending I am "Mrs. Adams." -- SINGLE MOM IN CINCINNATI
DEAR SINGLE MOM: I see no reason why you shouldn't give your children's friends permission to call you by your first name since you're comfortable with it. They will think it is "cool," and probably find communicating with you more comfortable because your first name is more personal.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Grandpa Chooses Not to View Video of His Grandson's Birth
DEAR ABBY: Five weeks ago, our son and his wife welcomed a baby boy. They asked a close friend to videotape the birth and presented a copy to us and the other grandparents.
The proud parents asked us to wait and view it with them at an appointed time. All along, my husband said he was not interested and would not stay home to watch it. I thought he would relent, but sure enough, he went to a local softball game, leaving me to explain.
My son took it in stride. However, his wife is angry and hurt. I tried to explain that men in my husband's generation were not allowed to be involved in childbirth, which accounts for much of his attitude. My husband has often said, "I was there when my children were conceived -- that's all that counts!" After 35 years of marriage, he is not about to change his opinion.
My daughter-in-law says my husband is rude and thoughtless. My husband refuses to apologize and thinks SHE is acting foolish. Your thoughts, please? -- NEW GRANDMA CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR NEW GRANDMA: While the birth of her first child was a watershed experience in your daughter-in-law's life, it does not give her the right to insist your husband do anything that makes him uncomfortable. If he doesn't want to see her in that position, that's his right. It may be just a little too much "reality TV" for his taste.
DEAR ABBY: I am 12 years old and want to be a model, an actress and a singer.
My mother is a housekeeper. My father is a supervisor in a factory. My aunts and uncles have similar jobs. Well, I don't want to do that. I want to be the next Daisy Fuentes or Cindy Crawford. I want people to know who I am. I don't want to be a "no one" -- I want to be a "someone."
My mother says not to get my hopes up because not too many people get famous. I say I don't care -- I want to risk it. My parents think I might get hurt, but I know I am tough and can handle it.
Abby, what do you think? Should I just forget about my dreams or "go for it"? -- WANTING TO BE A STAR IN ELGIN, ILL.
DEAR WANTING: Don't abandon your dreams. If you don't have dreams, how can they come true?
Take classes in drama, dancing and singing. If they are not offered at your school, ask your parents how you can earn extra money so you can take classes on Saturday. Don't neglect your schoolwork. You'll get even further if you have both brains and talent. There's no doubt in my mind you have the drive and determination to succeed. Good luck!
DEAR ABBY: I am one of your male readers. I'll make this short and sweet. Must I tell my fiancee I was in a mental hospital when I was 19? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: If you think it might make a difference to your fiancee, better to find out before the wedding. While it's not the kind of information you're obligated to disclose to an employer, the person you contemplate sharing your life with has a right to know. It would be better coming from you than from some relative who lets it slip somewhere down the line.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Shower Invitations Create Sticky Problem for Honoree
DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my sister, "Hazel," who is too embarrassed to write. She's pregnant with her first child. Her two best friends are giving her a baby shower. Hazel registered for gifts at a national store that provides stickers that say, "Registered at ( )," to be put on the invitation envelopes. Hazel didn't take them because she thinks the practice is tacky. Her friends asked her for the stickers, and she told them she didn't want to use them. She felt that when her guests called to RSVP, they could be told where she's registered.
Well, her friends went to the store, got stickers, and put them on her invitation envelopes anyway. Hazel is very upset. She wants the hosts to tell the guests they used the stickers against her wishes. These "friends" think she is being hormonal and overly sensitive, and insist that this is proper etiquette.
We're all looking to you, Abby. Do you think putting the stickers on the envelopes was a breach of etiquette? -- STUCK IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STUCK: Ignoring the expressed wishes of the honoree was an even worse breach of etiquette than placing the stickers on the envelopes. It showed a complete lack of respect for Hazel's feelings.
I wouldn't blame Hazel if she spoke up at the shower and apologized to her guests for the stickers. While some guests may not have found them offensive, some will -- and your sister should set the record straight.
DEAR ABBY: I am almost 15. A few days ago, something happened that made me see what a spoiled, selfish, vain brat I have become.
My mother was giving me a ride to my boyfriend's house. She and I were laughing and joking. As we turned to go down a hill, I saw an overweight man, who appeared to be in his early 40s, riding his bicycle up the steep hill. The bike was practically stationary. However, instead of getting off and walking, he just kept pedaling.
I took one look, pointed my finger at him and laughed. Hard. He turned and looked right at me. I will never forget the look of determination on that man's face.
My heart sank into my stomach. I knew what I had done was cruel.
I still feel terrible for what I did. I give up on a lot of things, but this determined man did not. He changed my life forever. I'm determined never again to stereotype anyone. I would like to find this man and apologize. He is not a quitter. He is the kind of person other people should strive to become. -- SORRY TEEN IN PORT EWEN, N.Y.
DEAR SORRY TEEN: You're absolutely right. People who persevere in the face of adversity are to be admired and emulated because they usually achieve their goal.
You have a lot to thank that man for, because what you observed about him -- and yourself -- has helped you to take a giant step toward maturity.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)