Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Shower Invitations Create Sticky Problem for Honoree
DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my sister, "Hazel," who is too embarrassed to write. She's pregnant with her first child. Her two best friends are giving her a baby shower. Hazel registered for gifts at a national store that provides stickers that say, "Registered at ( )," to be put on the invitation envelopes. Hazel didn't take them because she thinks the practice is tacky. Her friends asked her for the stickers, and she told them she didn't want to use them. She felt that when her guests called to RSVP, they could be told where she's registered.
Well, her friends went to the store, got stickers, and put them on her invitation envelopes anyway. Hazel is very upset. She wants the hosts to tell the guests they used the stickers against her wishes. These "friends" think she is being hormonal and overly sensitive, and insist that this is proper etiquette.
We're all looking to you, Abby. Do you think putting the stickers on the envelopes was a breach of etiquette? -- STUCK IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STUCK: Ignoring the expressed wishes of the honoree was an even worse breach of etiquette than placing the stickers on the envelopes. It showed a complete lack of respect for Hazel's feelings.
I wouldn't blame Hazel if she spoke up at the shower and apologized to her guests for the stickers. While some guests may not have found them offensive, some will -- and your sister should set the record straight.
DEAR ABBY: I am almost 15. A few days ago, something happened that made me see what a spoiled, selfish, vain brat I have become.
My mother was giving me a ride to my boyfriend's house. She and I were laughing and joking. As we turned to go down a hill, I saw an overweight man, who appeared to be in his early 40s, riding his bicycle up the steep hill. The bike was practically stationary. However, instead of getting off and walking, he just kept pedaling.
I took one look, pointed my finger at him and laughed. Hard. He turned and looked right at me. I will never forget the look of determination on that man's face.
My heart sank into my stomach. I knew what I had done was cruel.
I still feel terrible for what I did. I give up on a lot of things, but this determined man did not. He changed my life forever. I'm determined never again to stereotype anyone. I would like to find this man and apologize. He is not a quitter. He is the kind of person other people should strive to become. -- SORRY TEEN IN PORT EWEN, N.Y.
DEAR SORRY TEEN: You're absolutely right. People who persevere in the face of adversity are to be admired and emulated because they usually achieve their goal.
You have a lot to thank that man for, because what you observed about him -- and yourself -- has helped you to take a giant step toward maturity.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Fair Warning of Hot Tub Party Prevents Neighbors' Cry of Foul
DEAR ABBY: While I don't disagree with your response to "Doin' What Comes Naturally," whose new neighbors objected to group nudity in their hot tub, the hostess could have handled the situation with more sensitivity.
Reading between the lines, I suspect that the hot tub dress/undress issues were raised for the first time at the gathering, which put the newcomers on the spot. Good hosts should never do that to their guests.
When the invitation was extended the hostess should have said, "By the way ..." and explained the situation. That way, the new neighbors could have expressed their discomfort privately, and the problem could have been avoided by keeping the hot tub covered on that occasion.
In my experience, people who are uncomfortable displaying their bodies in public are also uncomfortable with others being exposed. -- BASHFUL IN ORADELL, N.J.
DEAR BASHFUL: You're right. For some people, it's a moral issue; with others, it's simply insecurity about how they look. Also, a sizable number of people would rather leave to their imaginations that which they would prefer not to view in the light of harsh reality. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was shocked and disappointed by your position regarding the "straightlaced" hot tub neighbors who didn't want to soak in the nude with the neighbors. What is this world coming to when a person of your stature condones nude hot-tubbing with neighbors? Enjoying the "therapeutic benefits" of soaking together in the nude -- unless it's husband and wife alone -- is a new low in moral behavior. -- HORRIFIED IN HARRISBURG
DEAR HORRIFIED: It's neither new nor necessarily low. I have never condemned nudity -- as long as it's on the up-and-up. And while I might hesitate to grin and bare it (all), scores of wholesome people from many cultures enjoy the naturalist way of life. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My sister's pool parties (hot tub included) traditionally resulted in discarded bathing suits. Guests who were uninhibited frolicked in the waves. Those who were shy frolicked, too -- but with less exposure. The swimming usually started after dinner, after the barbecue, after sundown. When the first suit came off, those who were uncomfortable with the turn of events -- including our parents -- would call it a day. No one ever complained.
Unfortunately, my fiance is too shy, so I don't get to do what comes naturally anymore. Sign me ... ALL DRESSED UP, NOWHERE TO GO
DEAR ALL DRESSED: Different strokes for different folks! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old reader who usually disagrees with your answers because I am a lifelong conservative.
After reading the letters in your column from "Sleep-Deprived in Schenectady" (who complained about the noisy upstairs neighbors' love-making) and "Doin' What Comes Naturally" about the naked hot tub parties, I discussed them with my family. We have a practical solution for "Sleep-Deprived": Buy a fan to cover the noise, then send the couple from upstairs to the hot tub party! -- CONSERVATIVE TEEN IN WASHINGTON
DEAR TEEN: I'm pleased that your conservatism hasn't curtailed your "liberal" sense of humor. You are a wit.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: It was easy for me to rewrite "Words of Love?" by Danny Comstock, in order to describe what many young people hear when they're growing up. I speak from experience. Please print it so other unhappy kids out there will know they're not alone. Please do not identify me, Abby. Just sign me ... SURVIVOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SURVIVOR: Verbal abuse is toxic and cumulative. The scars left by ugly words can take far longer to heal than those from physical abuse. The victims may become successful adults, but underneath, the wounds remain. Read on:
WORDS OF LOVE?
You're neurotic! You're immature!
You're skinny! You're ugly!
You're nothing but a slob!
Do your schoolwork! Clean your room!
Clean the house! Take care of the baby!
Can't you do anything right?
You don't have any skills!
You will never get a job!
You're lazy! You're selfish! You're spoiled!
No wonder you don't have any friends!
You embarrass me, but I'm willing to put up with you --
Because no one else will tolerate you!
You need me to take care of you --
You wouldn't last two seconds on your own!
The only reason I berate and criticize you
Is because I'm trying to build your character
And make you a better person!
If I didn't, I wouldn't love you!
DEAR ABBY: I will be starting high school in September. I am nervous about going to a new environment. Middle school wasn't bad because I knew most of the kids from elementary school. High school is different. Students from all over the city will be attending.
Some of my best friends will be going to different high schools. I'm not very outgoing, and I'm having a hard time figuring who to hang out with. Abby, I need your advice on how to adjust to my first days in high school. -- FRESHMAN IN DALLAS
DEAR FRESHMAN: This is an opportunity to meet new people and a chance to expand your circle of friends. If you see someone who is shy or hanging back, realize that the person is probably experiencing the same feeling you are, so reach out.
Get together with your old friends on the weekends. You'll have a lot to share and talk about.
DEAR ABBY: I am pregnant with my second son. My first is 4 1/2, and I have saved everything of his. A friend of the family wants to host a baby shower. My husband and I think it is greedy to have another shower when we already have everything we need. Abby, what is the proper etiquette, if any? -- SON SET IN OREGON
DEAR SON SET: A baby shower is a celebration of a new life to come. Participating in a baby shower for your second child isn't greedy.
However, if accepting gifts you don't really need makes you feel guilty, have your friend announce a charity shower and make it clear that the gifts you receive will be donated to a women's shelter, a church or some similar organization. Alternatively, you could donate the items you saved from your first son to a family or young mother who needs them.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)