For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: It was easy for me to rewrite "Words of Love?" by Danny Comstock, in order to describe what many young people hear when they're growing up. I speak from experience. Please print it so other unhappy kids out there will know they're not alone. Please do not identify me, Abby. Just sign me ... SURVIVOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SURVIVOR: Verbal abuse is toxic and cumulative. The scars left by ugly words can take far longer to heal than those from physical abuse. The victims may become successful adults, but underneath, the wounds remain. Read on:
WORDS OF LOVE?
You're neurotic! You're immature!
You're skinny! You're ugly!
You're nothing but a slob!
Do your schoolwork! Clean your room!
Clean the house! Take care of the baby!
Can't you do anything right?
You don't have any skills!
You will never get a job!
You're lazy! You're selfish! You're spoiled!
No wonder you don't have any friends!
You embarrass me, but I'm willing to put up with you --
Because no one else will tolerate you!
You need me to take care of you --
You wouldn't last two seconds on your own!
The only reason I berate and criticize you
Is because I'm trying to build your character
And make you a better person!
If I didn't, I wouldn't love you!
DEAR ABBY: I will be starting high school in September. I am nervous about going to a new environment. Middle school wasn't bad because I knew most of the kids from elementary school. High school is different. Students from all over the city will be attending.
Some of my best friends will be going to different high schools. I'm not very outgoing, and I'm having a hard time figuring who to hang out with. Abby, I need your advice on how to adjust to my first days in high school. -- FRESHMAN IN DALLAS
DEAR FRESHMAN: This is an opportunity to meet new people and a chance to expand your circle of friends. If you see someone who is shy or hanging back, realize that the person is probably experiencing the same feeling you are, so reach out.
Get together with your old friends on the weekends. You'll have a lot to share and talk about.
DEAR ABBY: I am pregnant with my second son. My first is 4 1/2, and I have saved everything of his. A friend of the family wants to host a baby shower. My husband and I think it is greedy to have another shower when we already have everything we need. Abby, what is the proper etiquette, if any? -- SON SET IN OREGON
DEAR SON SET: A baby shower is a celebration of a new life to come. Participating in a baby shower for your second child isn't greedy.
However, if accepting gifts you don't really need makes you feel guilty, have your friend announce a charity shower and make it clear that the gifts you receive will be donated to a women's shelter, a church or some similar organization. Alternatively, you could donate the items you saved from your first son to a family or young mother who needs them.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Whistling Pro Has Tale of Woe Concerning His Disappearing Art
DEAR ABBY: I am a professional whistler and bird caller. Whenever people ask what I do for a living, my reply is often met with the question, "What is that?" About the best I can respond with is, "Someone who whistles."
My art is not at the height of its popularity, as it was in the early part of the last century. Whistlers are no longer featured with big bands as they once were; the late, great whistler Fred Lowery no longer headlines at Carnegie Hall or whistles the national anthem at Yankee Stadium; Elmo Tanner is not whistling "Heartaches" with Perry Como and the Ted Weems orchestra; and Muzzy Marcellino isn't whistling the sweet and plaintive theme song to "Lassie" that we all remember.
Abby, it's hard to deal with the fact that the art of whistling has become so far removed from the public. Could you kindly print my letter as a reminder to your readers that whistling is a beautiful art form with a rich heritage in America and elsewhere? (No name, please. This one's for the art.) -- THE WHISTLER, JENKS, OKLA.
DEAR WHISTLER: I'm pleased to do so. It's the truth. And I'm not whistling "Dixie."
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Lifeguarding Mom" who had a "close call" with a near-drowning accident she will never forget.
My child had a close call I will never forget, either. He also survived, but he is NOT fine. Media coverage is extensive with drowning accidents, but you do not always hear the follow-up stories of the results of the accident. Many people hear that a child survived and went home from the hospital. What they do not realize is that many children go home with severe disabilities.
My child survived a near-drowning accident 13 years ago. He cannot walk or talk. He is fed using a tube in his stomach, needs oxygen, has seizures daily and requires 24-hour care. In less than five minutes not only did his life change, but so did many other lives as well. These past years have been an unending emotional roller-coaster ride. I would not wish this on anyone.
DO NOT THINK THIS CANNOT HAPPEN TO YOU. I have spoken to many parents of children who have survived a near-drowning experience. Their stories are not all the same. The common link is small children and a water source. It takes only 2 inches of water for a child to drown. It happens in buckets, fountains, toilets, pools, canals, streams, lakes, etc. And it often happens when the adults are distracted for any of a thousand reasons.
Most parents have temporarily lost track of a child at one time or another, especially if there is more than one child. Most of the time the child is safe. Of course, drowning is not the only danger from which we need to shield our children. Accidents WILL happen, but if you are careful this may not happen to you. -- ONE PHOENIX SURVIVOR
DEAR SURVIVOR: Your letter is a chilling reminder to parents of small children. I hope they will take heed.
And now I have a question: Parents, where is your child RIGHT NOW?
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Handwritten Note Is One Way to Announce Divorce to Friends
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are divorcing after 16 years of marriage. We have many mutual friends, neighbors and church friends. I am moving out of the house and am wondering how to tell my neighbors "goodbye" without revealing the details of the divorce. I would like to explain to them that we can all remain friends, etc.
Would a simple, handwritten note be acceptable? Also, how should we inform the members of our church? -- SOON TO BE SINGLE IN ALABAMA
DEAR SOON TO BE SINGLE: Your idea of writing a short, handwritten note to your neighbors is a good one. Ideally, it should be signed by both of you. It will allow you to spread the news without being subjected to unwanted questions at this time. (Of course, once the news is out you can expect to be deluged with questions -- but they can always be deflected with, "We'd rather not discuss it.")
As to making the announcement to your fellow church members, the answer is simple: Just confide the news in three or four of them -- and the information is sure to spread faster than the flu.
DEAR ABBY: One of my sisters and I are at odds over our mother's life insurance policy. Mother died in 1976. My younger sister "Tina" was 13 at the time. Mother had requested that I take Tina in and raise her. I did, and used the insurance money to help support her. I was a single parent with two children of my own, and I needed that money to cover expenses. It was spent on her health insurance, medical costs, a car, college tuition, clothes, etc.
Abby, my other sister, "Marie," is angry at me for using the insurance money. Marie says that because I "took responsibility" for Tina, I should have paid for everything myself and saved the insurance money as an inheritance for Tina.
What do you think about how the insurance money was used? -- BIG SISTER
DEAR BIG SISTER: I think you did the right thing with the insurance money. You were honoring your mother's request. If Marie is truly concerned about Tina receiving an inheritance, she should stop second-guessing you and make her little sister a beneficiary of her own estate.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a man off and on for a year -- more off than on. We are together now, and there are many problems. I have one child; he has two. Our kids fight like cats and dogs, and I am so frustrated. But that's not what this is about.
He has cheated on me and lied to me in the past, and I forgave him. He was recently fired from his job of 12 years for forging a time sheet. Then, a few days ago, he sneaked back into his old office and stole a bunch of things -- a camera, a printer and other computer items -- and sold them to an outlet for money. This is so wrong! What am I going to do now? -- IN LOVE WITH A LOUISIANA LOSER
DEAR IN LOVE: Now, for the sake of your child, you must distance yourself as far as possible from this potential felon. You may not have noticed, but you had not one positive thing to say about this man. That little voice telling you that "this is wrong" is your guardian angel trying to protect you. Pay attention!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)