Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Handwritten Note Is One Way to Announce Divorce to Friends
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are divorcing after 16 years of marriage. We have many mutual friends, neighbors and church friends. I am moving out of the house and am wondering how to tell my neighbors "goodbye" without revealing the details of the divorce. I would like to explain to them that we can all remain friends, etc.
Would a simple, handwritten note be acceptable? Also, how should we inform the members of our church? -- SOON TO BE SINGLE IN ALABAMA
DEAR SOON TO BE SINGLE: Your idea of writing a short, handwritten note to your neighbors is a good one. Ideally, it should be signed by both of you. It will allow you to spread the news without being subjected to unwanted questions at this time. (Of course, once the news is out you can expect to be deluged with questions -- but they can always be deflected with, "We'd rather not discuss it.")
As to making the announcement to your fellow church members, the answer is simple: Just confide the news in three or four of them -- and the information is sure to spread faster than the flu.
DEAR ABBY: One of my sisters and I are at odds over our mother's life insurance policy. Mother died in 1976. My younger sister "Tina" was 13 at the time. Mother had requested that I take Tina in and raise her. I did, and used the insurance money to help support her. I was a single parent with two children of my own, and I needed that money to cover expenses. It was spent on her health insurance, medical costs, a car, college tuition, clothes, etc.
Abby, my other sister, "Marie," is angry at me for using the insurance money. Marie says that because I "took responsibility" for Tina, I should have paid for everything myself and saved the insurance money as an inheritance for Tina.
What do you think about how the insurance money was used? -- BIG SISTER
DEAR BIG SISTER: I think you did the right thing with the insurance money. You were honoring your mother's request. If Marie is truly concerned about Tina receiving an inheritance, she should stop second-guessing you and make her little sister a beneficiary of her own estate.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a man off and on for a year -- more off than on. We are together now, and there are many problems. I have one child; he has two. Our kids fight like cats and dogs, and I am so frustrated. But that's not what this is about.
He has cheated on me and lied to me in the past, and I forgave him. He was recently fired from his job of 12 years for forging a time sheet. Then, a few days ago, he sneaked back into his old office and stole a bunch of things -- a camera, a printer and other computer items -- and sold them to an outlet for money. This is so wrong! What am I going to do now? -- IN LOVE WITH A LOUISIANA LOSER
DEAR IN LOVE: Now, for the sake of your child, you must distance yourself as far as possible from this potential felon. You may not have noticed, but you had not one positive thing to say about this man. That little voice telling you that "this is wrong" is your guardian angel trying to protect you. Pay attention!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Mom's Grave Decoration Is Thorny Problem for Sisters
DEAR ABBY: Since my mother's death eight years ago, I have kept artificial flowers on her grave, replacing them as they become tattered or faded. Recently my oldest sister, "Eva," moved back to this area and says she intends to plant a yellow rose bush on Mom's grave, because yellow roses were her favorite flower.
I don't think live roses are appropriate on a grave, so I asked the cemetery attendant about it. He told me no one had ever made such a request, but he was unaware of any policy about planting flowers on graves. He's a friend of the family, so I'm sure he won't tell Eva that she can't plant a rose bush. He did comment that the bush would have to be kept pruned so that it wouldn't interfere with mowing.
Abby, would I be out of line to ask my sister not to follow through on her plan? The grave is near the center of our family plot, and I think the bush would be out of place. And who would be responsible for the care of the roses? I have taken pride in how Mother's grave has looked all these years, but I don't want to take care of a live plant. Couldn't Eva just plant a rose bush in her own yard and dedicate it to Mom?
Don't advise me to take a family vote. One brother agrees with Eva; the other agrees with me. What is your opinion of a rose bush on a grave? -- NOT ROSY IN KANSAS
DEAR NOT ROSY: As long as the cemetery has no policy about live plants on graves and your sister agrees to be responsible for the upkeep, I see no reason why a yellow rose bush wouldn't be lovely on your mother's grave.
Should your sister not live up to the agreement to tend the roses, you could replace the bush with the artificial flowers you prefer.
Ask yourself: "What would Mama say about this?" and be prepared to compromise.
DEAR ABBY: As part of her speech last spring at our graduation, the valedictorian read a wonderful poem. She said it was from a booklet of yours. It was called "The Guy in the Mirror," or something like that. Hearing it made me realize how important it is to live in a way that I can be proud of myself and command the respect of others.
From the reaction of the students around me, it apparently impressed them, too.
I would love to get a copy of your booklet for myself, and possibly some for my cousins who are also going away to college in a few weeks. How do I get them? -- CATHY IN CINCINNATI
DEAR CATHY: I'm pleased the poem impressed you and your classmates. It carries an important message. The name of the poem is "The Man in the Glass," and the author is Dale Wimbrow. It is found in my "Keepers" booklet, which contains a number of inspirational pieces.
To purchase "Keepers," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) for each booklet to: Dear Abby -- Keepers, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
PARENTS PROVIDED SAFE HAVEN FOR TEEN TAUNTED AT SCHOOL
DEAR ABBY: I could have been one of those outcast teens who shoot classmates when I was younger. Like them, I felt that I did not belong within the confines of my school. The torment started in the eighth grade and continued through my senior year of high school.
I was taunted by nearly everyone in class, made fun of because I was unpopular, and made to feel small and insignificant. I remember walking up the sidewalk to school, palms sweating, stomach in knots, knowing once again I faced another day trying to make myself as invisible as possible. It rarely worked. My tormentors always managed to use me as their whipping boy.
There were times I would lay my head on my desk, tears streaming down my face, the other kids laughing and making jokes about me. Not once did a teacher or principal come to my aid. It was as if my feelings were unimportant, or they had a mind-set that "kids will be kids." I struggled through school and kept my grades as high as possible under the circumstances I faced daily.
So why did I not take vengeance on my classmates with the nearest weapon? The answer is simple: My parents were always there for me. They were aware of my problems at school. Every day they listened to my fears and concerns, and reassured me that I was a special person and the taunts meant nothing with regard to who I really was. They cried with me, held me and listened to every word I said. They encouraged me to become my own person and to never let anyone tell me who I was or was not.
I'm saddened when I hear about young outcasts who can't cope being driven over the edge. These lives are cut short because nobody intervened when they saw what was happening. I wish I could tell them how important they are and what possibilities life has in store for them. I know what that would mean to them because I know what it meant to me.
Every day I thank God for giving me such wonderful parents. They understood and didn't ignore the fact that their son was in pain.
It took years of struggle to get past those horrible experiences in school, but I finally accomplished it. Today I am a successful, well-adjusted human being. My only regret is that I have no fond memories of high school.
Abby, until we recognize the true impact of teasing in our schools, this situation will continue to occur. Please ask your readers -- parents, teachers and even students -- to be sensitive to that young person who needs support through troubling times. They might save someone's life -- perhaps even their own. -- FORMER OUTCAST, WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR FORMER OUTCAST: I applaud you for having survived your devastating teen-age years, and for so successfully overcoming the systematic trauma you experienced. While it may appear to be a bloodless crime, people who destroy the self-esteem of others with cruelty and ridicule are really committing a violent crime. To ignore it or tolerate it is to aid and abet it.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)