THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. (Submitted by David Broome)
DEAR ABBY: I recently turned my brother "Paul" in to drug enforcement. Paul has been a drug user for years, and it is affecting the whole family.
My husband and I have been robbed twice, totaling about $10,000. My mother has depleted any money she has had by paying his expenses, and our family is always in turmoil. Aunts, uncles and grandparents have all agreed on tough love by cutting him off in every way we know how. My mother has not. She's still supporting him, paying for housing, utilities and food.
My husband and I agreed that our son is not allowed to spend time at my mother's house because Paul is still welcome there. She feels we are trying to punish her and she won't speak to me.
I had discovered Paul was selling drugs to children as young as 12 to support his habit. I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't turned him in. This could have been my child he was selling to.
My family, with the exception of my husband, son and Paul's wife, feels that I should have handled it differently -- that what I did was excessive. Paul's wife has thanked me because he had started to become violent with her and their children. The rest of the family is extremely upset with me, and some no longer talk to me.
Did I do the wrong thing? If you print this, please don't reveal my personal information. My family reads your column. -- HIS SISTER
DEAR SIS: Please do not accept the guilt trip your family is trying to lay on you. Your mother has allowed your brother to get away with his outrageous behavior because, on some level, she feels that she's to blame. Not only did you do the right thing, you may have saved a child's life by getting Paul off the streets. I commend you for having the courage to put a stop to him.
DEAR ABBY: I am the owner of Chez Josephine, a popular French bistro in the theater district of New York. I care about the well-being of my customers, particularly those who have disabilities.
However, again and again, the same difficult situation arises. Many times I am not informed when the reservation is made that someone in the party will be using a wheelchair, walker, wearing braces or walking with crutches. When I am informed in advance, I can reserve a table in the front section of my restaurant to facilitate their entrance and exit so they can avoid the discomfort and inconvenience of having to maneuver through a very crowded room. I can also reserve tables that provide extra space, since sometimes those with physical challenges cannot be moved from the wheelchair to a restaurant seat.
Abby, please urge your readers to inform the person who takes their reservation that they are bringing someone who has special needs. All restaurants, I assure you, respect those needs and are eager to make the dining experience as pleasant and enjoyable as possible. -- JEAN-CLAUDE BAKER, NEW YORK CITY
DEAR JEAN-CLAUDE: That's terrific advice from a restaurateur who knows his business and is conscientious about providing the smoothest service possible. All that's required is a little forethought before making the reservation.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SINGLE MOM'S PROUD TEENS HONOR HER ON FATHER'S DAY
DEAR ABBY: My sister, two brothers and I are in our teens. We are being raised by a single mother. We're finally beginning to realize how hard she works to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and smiles on our faces.
Although Father's Day has passed, we hope you'll print this poem we wrote to her to show we appreciate everything she does for us. Abby, would you please? -- THE OLDEST OF FOUR IN PHOENIX
DEAR OLDEST: I'm delighted to share your original poem with other single mothers who also bear the full responsibility of their children -- and do it well. Read on:
TO FATHER ON HER SPECIAL DAY
We're writing you a poem to say
Have a Happy Father's Day.
There are things our dad should do
But instead you filled his shoes.
And did so well in his position
When he left, we didn't miss him.
No one could have ever guessed
A pretty girl could be the best
At doing stuff reserved for Dad
Without us driving you quite mad.
And we're not sure who spread the lie
About how Dad should be a guy.
'Cause even though you wear a bra
We couldn't ask for a better pa.
The calendar might clearly say
This is father's special day.
And you might think it rather queer
That you will get two days this year.
Two decades wouldn't be enough
To show how much you mean to us
We don't care if you're a girl
You're still the best dad in the world!
DEAR ABBY: I strongly agree with your response to "Inmate on a Dead End," who said he was "on a one-way trip down a road that leads nowhere." He felt hopeless about his future behind bars.
My husband is living proof that you don't have to be stuck on a dead end. When he was 18 he made some horrible mistakes. He got mixed up with drugs and the wrong crowd. He was tried on 15 counts of armed robbery and convicted on two of them. He was sent to prison (and rightfully so) for 15 years, and gave up hope for ever having a different life.
Fortunately for him, two years into his sentence common sense kicked in. He gave up drugs and started taking the classes offered to him in prison. After six years of good behavior, he was released on parole -- which is when I met him.
After getting to know this man and finding out who he once was, compared to who he has become in the past 10 years, I cannot say enough about how proud I am of him.
In the four years since his release, he has ended his parole and is completing his college degree. We have gotten married, and just purchased our first home. These are accomplishments he never believed possible when he was first locked up.
I want "Inmate" to know that one is never beyond hope. Prison may be the best thing that ever happened to him -- it was for my husband. -- PROUD WIFE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR PROUD WIFE: Your testimonial will be welcomed by many prisoners and their families. It's never too late for a new beginning. Where there is life, there is hope.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Earlier this year, you printed a poem, "Words of Love?" about what abusers say. My wife told me for years that I was abusing her, but I didn't believe it. I grew up in a home where we were severely controlled and abused by our father. My brother and sister were also sexually abused by Dad. I'm lucky I escaped that kind of abuse. We have all confronted him. He has no remorse for what he did.
When I read the poem, I realized that I had been abusing my wife. Since my whole life had been built on not being like my father, I don't know how I let this happen.
I cut the poem out and had it laminated. I always carry it with me. I will NEVER say those things to my wife -- or any woman -- again.
I gave my wife a copy of the poem with the abuses highlighted that I had committed, along with flowers, my sincere apology, and my promise never to abuse her again.
It's amazing how much better I feel about myself since I recognized my abusive behavior and decided to change. The poem said abusers don't change, but as God is my witness, I will. I am seeing a therapist in an attempt to deal with my childhood and put the "old me" behind me.
Abby, had I not read your column, I never would have seen myself in the mirror of that poem. You get credit for changing my life. -- G. IN TEXAS
DEAR G.: I am pleased that you saw yourself in that poem and made a commitment to change. Please let me know in a year if the change is permanent. I hope and pray that it will be. I'm rooting for you.
P.S. I hope that your brother and sister reported your father's sexual abuse to the police. He belongs on a list of sexual predators, particularly if there are any small children living near him.
DEAR ABBY: Ever since my husband and I got married, we have showered together almost daily. Neither of us wants to stop this daily ritual, but as our first child becomes more aware of her surroundings, we are concerned about whether we need to stop.
We don't intend to shower in front of her, but we don't know how we should react if she accidentally walks in on us.
Our lives have become more complex, and we hate to give up the few moments we still have alone -- but we don't want to cause any psychological harm to our children either. -- WATER CONSERVATIONIST IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WATER CONSERVATIONIST: I see no reason to stop showering with your husband. If your child intrudes, simply grab a towel and keep your cool.
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, as I read your column on the bus, my eyes filled with tears, and I was overcome with thoughts of my father. I was lucky to have had one of the greatest fathers who ever lived. He was a special man, and he made me feel special. Sadly, one rainy, spring morning in 1998, Dad never woke up.
After reading about all the experiences your readers had in finding pennies from their loved ones, I regained my composure and exited the bus. As my foot hit the pavement, I looked down. There, shining up at me, was a bright 1998 penny, gleaming on the rain-soaked sidewalk! I picked it up because I knew it was a penny from my angel Dad. I'll never part with it. -- DAD'S GIRL
DEAR DAD'S GIRL: I'm glad you found a token of your father's love for you. It's nice to have a tangible reminder.
The "pennies from heaven" letters are still coming in. It's a subject that has touched the hearts of many.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)