Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: Earlier this year, you printed a poem, "Words of Love?" about what abusers say. My wife told me for years that I was abusing her, but I didn't believe it. I grew up in a home where we were severely controlled and abused by our father. My brother and sister were also sexually abused by Dad. I'm lucky I escaped that kind of abuse. We have all confronted him. He has no remorse for what he did.
When I read the poem, I realized that I had been abusing my wife. Since my whole life had been built on not being like my father, I don't know how I let this happen.
I cut the poem out and had it laminated. I always carry it with me. I will NEVER say those things to my wife -- or any woman -- again.
I gave my wife a copy of the poem with the abuses highlighted that I had committed, along with flowers, my sincere apology, and my promise never to abuse her again.
It's amazing how much better I feel about myself since I recognized my abusive behavior and decided to change. The poem said abusers don't change, but as God is my witness, I will. I am seeing a therapist in an attempt to deal with my childhood and put the "old me" behind me.
Abby, had I not read your column, I never would have seen myself in the mirror of that poem. You get credit for changing my life. -- G. IN TEXAS
DEAR G.: I am pleased that you saw yourself in that poem and made a commitment to change. Please let me know in a year if the change is permanent. I hope and pray that it will be. I'm rooting for you.
P.S. I hope that your brother and sister reported your father's sexual abuse to the police. He belongs on a list of sexual predators, particularly if there are any small children living near him.
DEAR ABBY: Ever since my husband and I got married, we have showered together almost daily. Neither of us wants to stop this daily ritual, but as our first child becomes more aware of her surroundings, we are concerned about whether we need to stop.
We don't intend to shower in front of her, but we don't know how we should react if she accidentally walks in on us.
Our lives have become more complex, and we hate to give up the few moments we still have alone -- but we don't want to cause any psychological harm to our children either. -- WATER CONSERVATIONIST IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WATER CONSERVATIONIST: I see no reason to stop showering with your husband. If your child intrudes, simply grab a towel and keep your cool.
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday, as I read your column on the bus, my eyes filled with tears, and I was overcome with thoughts of my father. I was lucky to have had one of the greatest fathers who ever lived. He was a special man, and he made me feel special. Sadly, one rainy, spring morning in 1998, Dad never woke up.
After reading about all the experiences your readers had in finding pennies from their loved ones, I regained my composure and exited the bus. As my foot hit the pavement, I looked down. There, shining up at me, was a bright 1998 penny, gleaming on the rain-soaked sidewalk! I picked it up because I knew it was a penny from my angel Dad. I'll never part with it. -- DAD'S GIRL
DEAR DAD'S GIRL: I'm glad you found a token of your father's love for you. It's nice to have a tangible reminder.
The "pennies from heaven" letters are still coming in. It's a subject that has touched the hearts of many.
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WOMAN GUILTY OF DATING LIE THINKS IT'S TIME FOR THE TRUTH
DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married woman with two beautiful children and a terrific husband. When I was younger, my parents would not allow me to date until I was 18. Even when I turned 18, I still wasn't allowed to date. So I devised a plan. I would lie to my parents and sneak around. My boyfriend at the time -- now my husband of 10 years -- has two sisters. I asked one of them to help me to see my boyfriend. My parents always thought she was just a friend. To this day, my parents still don't know my husband has two sisters. They think he has only one.
I can't believe I have let this lie drag on for so long. I was young and foolish. I need to let them know because eventually it's going to come out.
My parents live out of state, so when I call them and tell them, maybe it won't be so bad. Can you suggest a better way to tell them? Now that I'm older I realize my parents were just trying to protect us and keep us out of trouble. If only I could wipe away this lie.
Please advise me. -- GUILTY IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR GUILTY: First of all, please stop feeling guilty. Dating is one of the ways that young people mature socially. Most teen-agers in this country start dating by the time they are 16. There were valid reasons for your acting the way you did. You were fortunate that the first boy you dated turned out to be a terrific husband. Your choice certainly wasn't based on experience.
The next time you speak with your parents, ask when they plan to visit. Then tell them you have a surprise for them -- they're going to meet a new member of the family. Their introduction should be made face-to-face. You are all adults now. You should no longer need your parents' permission or approval. (Frankly, I think they owe you an apology for putting you in the position they did.)
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Happy Granny in Waldo, Fla." about when to talk to children about sex. You said it reminded you of a story: Seven-year-old Tommy asked his mother where he came from. She gave him "the lecture," to which he responded, "Oh. My friend Jimmy said he came from St. Louis."
My son's father died when he was 2, so I was left to deal with the mountain of never-ending questions. Beating around the bush was unacceptable to my son. When he was 6, he asked how the baby had gotten into the stomach of a woman at church. I explained about planting seeds and flowers growing. He then proceeded to ask how the seed got planted, who planted it, and what part the daddy played in this. On and on -- until finally, after admonishing my son not to share this information with his younger friends, I gave him "the facts of life" lecture in as much detail as he seemed to want.
As long as I live, I will never forget his shocked, mortified expression as he lifted his little face to heaven and prayed, "Oh, God, isn't there any OTHER way?" -- HAPPY MOM IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR HAPPY MOM: From the mouths of babes. I assume he got over his shock as he grew older.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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Baseball Coach Strikes Out With Struggling Player's Mom
DEAR ABBY: I have five children and am neither an overbearing nor overly protective mother. After reading Michelle Klein's code of conduct for children's sporting events, I have a few comments and suggestions for coaches.
Our youngest son is 10. He was adopted from an overseas orphanage. We took him knowing he had some physical challenges. Last year, I asked a tenderhearted baseball coach to place him on a team with younger players. He played all season and did fine.
This year, my request was disregarded. My son is now on a team with other 10-year-old boys. He is not only struggling as a player, but his self-esteem is in the cellar.
Every week, his coach prints out each player's batting average, number of doubles, triples, home runs and strike-outs. (My son averages nine strike-outs and zero runs.) After some sleepless nights, I told the coach how damaging and humiliating this is for my son. I explained again about his two eye surgeries and other disabilities.
The coach said that baseball is all about statistics, and my son's self-esteem problem was mine to deal with. He said he's been coaching for 12 years (his son is the No. 1 player), and he was not going to change. My instinct is to pull my son out of the league, but I know that would only make him feel worse.
So, Abby, this being said, I urge coaches to keep in mind these two additional suggestions for the code of conduct:
(1) Please don't have children run laps for a lack of talent. It is counterproductive for building the skill they lack. (After running laps, my son was so tired he struck out again, and had to run laps again!)
(2) Please leave your misdirected hormones, ego and military style at home and remember you are coaching children -- and this is a GAME! -- PROUD OF MY SON IN WASHINGTON
DEAR PROUD: Your son's coach is so focused on winning that he has lost sight of the fact that children's sports are supposed to teach them sportsmanship and a love of the game.
Talk to the parents of your son's teammates. It's possible that you can find allies. Together you might be able to convince the board that hired the coach to dismiss him. If that's not possible, rather than allowing your son to be humiliated, consider taking him out of baseball for a year and involving him in another activity he will enjoy and at which he can excel.
P.S. I agree with you that making a child run laps as a punishment is counterproductive. Depending on the child's health, it could also be damaging or even fatal.
DEAR ABBY: When dining out in a restaurant, where do you leave your napkin when the meal is over? I say it should be left on the table, but my cousin thinks it should be placed on the seat of your chair. Who is right? -- CLUELESS COUSINS
DEAR COUSINS: When the meal is finished, your napkin should be placed to the left of the place setting, unfolded. However, if you need to leave the table during the meal, leave your napkin on your chair and push the chair in, close to the table.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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