Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Woman Looking for Love Finds Mr. Wonderful, Not Mr. Right
DEAR ABBY: I just turned 21 and am about to graduate from college. I've been dating "Monroe," a wonderful guy who treats me like a queen. We laugh together and have a great time, and he seems to really respect me.
My family adores Monroe. So does everyone else who knows him. My problem is that I'm just not head-over-heels in love with him, and I can't figure out why.
Actually, I've been interested in another guy, "Ruben," for more than two years, but we've always been just friends. Last night I found the nerve to level with Ruben about how I feel. (He has a girlfriend, but I don't care.)
Ruben said he's always been interested in me, too, but since we're both dating other people, it's really not an option. In fact, he came right out and said he's happy with his girlfriend right now. I'm still crazy about him, but I guess that's a bad idea since he has a girlfriend.
What should I do, Abby? Stick with Monroe (Mr. Wonderful) and pray I'll fall in love with him, or wait it out for Ruben (Mr. Dream Man)? -- TOTALLY CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED: Monroe may be "Mr. Wonderful," but he's not the one for you. Rather than trying to force yourself to fall in love with him, the honorable thing would be to level with him so he can find a girl who can love him without reservation.
If Ruben was seriously interested in you, he wouldn't be telling you how happy he is with his girlfriend -- so don't hold your breath waiting for him to come around.
The smartest thing you could do is to get back into circulation, because you haven't met "Mr. Right" yet.
DEAR ABBY: One night I was in a hotel room and browsing through a magazine. In it was an article about Finch College for Women in New York City. The school is no longer in existence, but I believe their maxims are timeless. If you agree, perhaps you will share them with your readers. -- ABBY FAN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FAN: I do agree. They are thought-provoking and certainly worth sharing -- even though the Finch may have flown:
FINCH SCHOOL MAXIMS
(1) Believing in people usually brings out the best in them.
(2) There is always another side; suspend judgment.
(3) There is always a solution to every problem. Do not waste time on self-pity.
(4) Be considerate. Your actions affect others, and other people's feelings are just like your own.
(5) Be kind. Remember that other people are as intuitive as you are, and judge you just as you do them.
(6) Be sincere. In the long run everyone will find you out and judge you by your true self and not by your pretensions.
(7) Snobbishness of any kind is a sign of limitation.
(8) Remember that recreation must be to re-create for work.
(9) Remember that you must be worthy and capable of love to be able to give or to keep it.
(10) Remember that you have a soul just as you have a body and a social self. Do not starve it.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy birthday to our beloved matriarch -- the dearest grandmother anyone could wish for. -- JEANNE
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN BREAKS MORE THAN DISHES WHEN HIS ANGER'S OUT OF CONTROL
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married three years. We have a great relationship except for one problem: When "Chad" gets angry, he breaks things and punches holes in the walls. He eventually calms down and regains his composure, leaving broken dishes and cracked plaster.
This upsets my 9-year-old daughter. She was especially scared when Chad picked up our dog and flung him to the ground. She cried and wrote a prayer to God asking him to help her daddy.
I've told Chad he should attend anger control classes, but he says he doesn't need them. When Chad is himself, he adores my kids and they adore him. He is a far better father to my children than their natural father was.
Abby, how can I convince Chad to take the classes? I'm afraid if I push him he will walk out, leaving my kids without another father. -- WANTING PEACE AND QUIET IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR WANTING: You can't "convince" him. Your husband is the one who must realize that for the sake of his family he needs the anger control classes.
I am worried about your children's emotional health. When they see Chad violently throwing their dog to the ground, it's an implicit threat that he could do the same thing to them if they displease him. As a responsible parent, you must protect them from further intimidation. It's important that they feel secure in a safe environment.
Since Chad refuses to get help, I urge you to go to counseling yourself. It will help you to get your priorities in order and give you a more complete understanding of what you must do. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law and close friend of 20 years died of breast cancer two months ago. "Jane" was only 43. Her husband, "Brad," seemed loving and supportive until the end. Since then, however, his behavior has changed dramatically.
Jane died on Tuesday. The following Sunday, Jane's daughter called and said Brad was getting rid of Jane's clothes and asked if we wanted any of them. The following Thursday, Brad had a vasectomy. Two weeks after that, he brought his new 25-year-old girlfriend over to "meet the family"!
Abby, in the weeks since the funeral, Brad has been out on the town doing all the things Jane could never get him to do in the 20 years they were married. He and his girlfriend dine out in nice restaurants, go to ball games, you name it.
Brad acts like he's glad to be rid of Jane and all of her things. We are all appalled by his behavior. We are still grieving over Jane's death. We will never accept this woman into our lives. We realize that life goes on, but how soon is too soon? -- BOILING MAD OVER BRAD
DEAR BOILING MAD: There is no timetable for grief when the deceased died from a lingering illness. Hold on to the fact that Brad was a loving and supportive husband to Jane until the end -- when it counted. Try to be supportive. Brad may be assuaging his depression with this rebound romance, and it may not last. Try not to judge him harshly; the truth is, nobody knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 36-year-old "super mom." I'm active in PTA, shuttle our two daughters and their friends around town, play on a community softball team, go to a gym twice a week, and work Wednesdays in a small sports equipment store owned by my in-laws.
My older daughter, "Jenny" (a junior in high school), stopped by the store last Wednesday after school. A few minutes later a nervous-looking man entered. He asked me about some ski equipment, and then -- holding what he claimed was a gun in his pocket -- demanded money from the register.
Abby, if I had been there alone I would have walloped him and run for the door, but I didn't want to take any chances with my daughter there. I told him to take what he wanted and leave.
Well, that wasn't the end of it. He ordered us into the back room, told us to lie face down, bound our hands and feet with duct tape, gagged us and left. Despite heroic tugging and squirming, neither Jenny nor I could free ourselves. It was more than an hour before a customer came in, heard us moaning and found us trussed up in the back of the store.
Thinking back, I was more angry than scared during the time we lay bound. Mostly I was worried that Jenny would be traumatized for life. I felt completely helpless.
I could hardly believe what happened next. When we were freed, Jenny wasn't traumatized. She became furious -- at me! She literally screamed at me, "Why did you let him tie us up, Mom?" She apparently felt -- and still feels -- that we could have used kung fu on him or something.
Although I still think I did the right thing, I feel guilty that my daughter is disillusioned because her mother allowed someone to tie us up without a fight. I have gone from super mom to super schnook. Any ideas on how to win back my daughter's admiration? -- BOUND AND GAGGED, NEWTON, PA.
DEAR BOUND AND GAGGED: You acted appropriately. Real life is not a martial arts movie where heroines take risks and live beyond the closing credits. If you had tried to "wallop" the robber, one or both of you might not be alive today.
Don't be so quick to conclude that your daughter "wasn't traumatized." She is blaming you for what happened because she felt helpless and humiliated. Both of you could benefit from some short-term post-traumatic stress counseling so that what happened can be put in proper perspective.
DEAR ABBY: This may be a bit "racy" for your column, but consider it an alternative to your advice to "Furious in Adrian, Mich.," the 14-year-old whose ex-boyfriend wrongly claimed to have had sex with her.
Rather than forcing a potentially ugly confrontation, a more effective way to shut the guy up would be to follow an example related to me by a colleague from Italy:
A braggart once boasted to all who would listen that he'd had sex with the class beauty. When someone would mention it to her, she'd simply shrug it off by saying, "Yes, he tried -- but he was sooo small ..." -- NO BIG DEAL IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR N.B.D.: I'd like to take it a step further. Only a small-minded person would try to make himself look better by making another person look worse. People who brag about their sexual exploits are usually lying.
CONFIDENTIAL TO DEAREST MOM AND AUNT EPPIE: Happy birthday and love to the prettiest, wittiest "firecrackers" in the world. XXX -- JEANNE
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)