Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Man Adopted as Infant Has No Interest in Birth Family
DEAR ABBY: I am 33, married and the father of three children. I was adopted at three weeks of age and never felt the need to search for my "roots" or "identity" like many others do.
About five years ago, I received a letter from my birth mother, and we have met a few times. Although she and her family are nice people, and want to continue a relationship -- I do not. I have hinted about the way I feel, but they don't seem to understand. I want to tell them outright, but my wife says I will hurt their feelings, and I should leave "the door open" in case I change my mind. I am sure of my feelings and disagree with my wife.
I learned that my birth mother was going through a bitter divorce while she was pregnant with me. Money was scarce and she felt she could not afford a third child. She later remarried -- as did my birth father. I met him once, and he has been more considerate of my feelings. He respects my privacy.
My birth mother is kind and generous. She always remembers my children on birthdays and holidays. Abby, how can I cut off contact with her without being cruel? -- TIRED OF FAMILY TIES
DEAR TIRED: You have a right to your feelings. Do not feel guilty. Tell your birth mother how much you appreciate her kindness, but you are not ready to have a relationship with her now.
P.S. Ask her for your biological family's medical history.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Missing Dad in South Carolina," the lady who lost her dad 10 years ago and is still grieving.
My beloved sister died suddenly two years ago. She was 91 and still enjoyed baking bread and cookies. Sis took great delight in sharing her goodies with friends and shut-ins. She also enjoyed delivering flowers from her garden to people in hospitals and nursing homes.
Instead of grieving for her -- and I miss her terribly -- I try to follow her example by doing the things she did. Not only do people love to receive, it gives me great joy, as well. Sign me ... BUSY BAKING, WEST ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR BUSY BAKING: You have discovered a healthy, constructive way to manage your grief. Thank you for sharing it with my readers. Just as sadness feeds upon itself, so does joy.
DEAR ABBY: The following should be added to the Code of Conduct for children's sporting events you printed recently:
(15) Win with modesty -- and lose with dignity.
It's a pity some of our professional athletes don't follow that rule. They embarrass me. -- LEONARD IN WHITING, N.J.
DEAR LEONARD: You're not alone. They embarrass themselves, too. Even more important, they are terrible role models for children who are looking for heroes.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Stepmother Fights Negative Behavior With Positive Focus
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "No Name, No Address, No Phone," about the way a stepmother treated her husband's children, brought tears to my eyes. It was a real eye-opener.
My fiance and I have chosen to blend our families. I have an 8-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son. My fiance has a 5-year-old son, "Benny," whom we are trying to get custody of. The battle has been ugly and is not over yet.
The stress of being jostled back and forth between his mother and father has made Benny oppositional, defiant and difficult to live with. He got so bad that I refused to deal with him any longer. I regarded him as an ungrateful, rotten child. My fiance was always disciplining him to appease me. He also cut back on visitations with Benny to keep peace in the household. I felt guilty about this, but was so stressed out, I didn't oppose it.
Then I read your column. It made me realize I was so focused on Benny's bad behavior, just waiting to "catch" him doing something wrong, that I had failed to recognize all the good things he was doing -- and that really, all he wanted was for someone to love him unconditionally, and not expect him to be "perfect." This is every child's right, after all. I also realized we were more strict with Benny than my own children. My kids don't upset me because they're older, but they're certainly not perfect. All three children should be treated equally.
Yesterday, Benny helped me clean the living room without being asked. I scooped him up in my arms and told him how much I appreciated it and what a good helper he was. His face lit up and he hugged me back. From now on, I will not see him as his mother's son. I will see Benny as the individual he is and focus on the positive.
Thank you for waking me up, Abby. Our blended family will be a lot happier because of your column. If you print this, please sign me ... AWAKENED
DEAR AWAKENED: You are to be applauded for your awakening. All I did was write the column. You were the one perceptive enough to read between the lines, apply it to your own situation and begin to make the necessary changes. I congratulate you.
DEAR ABBY: One of the letters you printed suggested that when people visit their doctor, they take a list of all their medications. I work in a medical office and would like to offer a better idea:
Bring all your medicine containers with you. That way, the medical staff can take all the information directly from the bottle labels, and there will be no misunderstandings. (It's easy to forget important information, such as dosage and strength.)
It's also a smart idea to use only one pharmacy to have prescriptions filled, particularly for people seeing more than one doctor. Pharmacists are trained to spot possible drug interactions, but they can't pinpoint potential problems if they don't have all the information.
If people would use their pharmacist in partnership with their physicians and other health-care providers, they'd be better off. That's my advice for the day, Abby. -- SOUTH CAROLINA MEDICAL WORKER
DEAR MEDICAL WORKER: That's excellent advice. Readers, take heed.
P.S. Doctors should also be informed about any vitamin supplements and over-the-counter medicines you are taking.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Divorced Parents Each Need Their Own Time With Kids
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the letter from "Tacoma Mom," who complained that her ex-husband didn't want to take their 6-year-old to his swimming lesson during his regularly scheduled Wednesday night visit.
I, too, am a divorced mother who is happily remarried. Unlike "Tacoma Mom," I do not wish to control every moment of my daughter's time with her father. Watching the children participate in a sport does not allow the quality time divorced parents should have.
Everyone talks about the importance of a father's role in a child's life. Does that apply only if he follows the schedule given to him by the mother? I am sure that when the family was intact, "Tacoma Mom" didn't tell the father how to spend his time with his son.
After a divorce, people are consumed by hurt and anger. Children are too often caught in the middle and used as a way of "getting back" at each other.
While I agree that the Tacoma father should be involved in the child's activities, divorced fathers need time with their children on their terms, not ours. This is what creates a bond between fathers and their children.
My daughter and I enjoy a close and loving relationship; I believe her father is entitled to one, too. She and her father do things that I don't do -- fish, camp, work on cars. She has two very different and fulfilling lives. That is what keeps her well-adjusted. Her father and I have developed a healthy relationship where our daughter is concerned. We always keep HER best interests in mind.
Abby, shouldn't a mother consult the father before signing up the children for activities that interfere with his time? They are his children, too. Or is this just a power struggle of a bitter woman? -- A MA IN PA.
DEAR MA: I commend you and your ex-husband for putting your daughter's best interests first.
I have received stacks of letters regarding "Tacoma Mom." Most readers felt that there should be a compromise. They suggested that Dad should have an additional day of visitation with an activity that he has planned -- or just some alone time. More compromise and less "control" would be a healthy solution.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend asked me who I liked. I told her, trusting that she wouldn't tell anyone. Her response was, "Eew! You like him?!"
The next day she got one of our other friends to get the guy I like to ask her out. The worst part is she doesn't even like this guy and she's moving away. What should I do? Help! -- MAD IN LEESBURG, VA.
DEAR MAD: The first thing you should do is recognize that your "best friend" can't keep a secret, and is a troublemaker on top of it. Do not confide in her again.
And second, don't give up hope. Your rival is moving away, and the field will soon be open for you again.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is having her marriage blessed next week. After the blessing, she is to have a dinner party for about 50 people. Most of them were at her wedding, which took place five years ago.
I am unsure about giving gifts. Should we bring a gift, and if so, what kind of gift should it be? Thank you. -- PUZZLED IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR PUZZLED: Give her a token gift for the happy occasion -- a lovely picture frame, a candy dish or a crystal jam jar.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)