For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Church's Scare Tactics Cause Family to Flee From the Fold
DEAR ABBY: Last year, our family went through the most traumatic experience of our lives: We left the church we'd been attending for more than a decade.
I always suspected our church was a little "unusual," but because I saw what appeared to be positive changes in people's lives, I kept telling myself we couldn't possibly be involved in a "cult."
My family and I were led to believe we were members of a "special" group -- that we had a "different" calling than other churches, which was why we had to work harder and sacrifice more than the average Christian. We were ordered to terminate any activity or relationship that pulled us away from our church obligations or planted seeds of doubt in our minds.
Finally, things got so weird my husband and I could ignore it no longer. We informed the pastor we would not be coming back. He said if we did, we would become "shipwrecked" -- doomed to divorce, and our kids would not serve God when they grew up. Then two church leaders called to beg us not to "leave the fold."
By the grace of God, we escaped. I suffered nightmares, depression and total mistrust of any other church for a long time after that. We, who were once part of the trusted few, the "elite inner circle," were now the enemy. We lost all our friends. We had known some of them more than 10 years. Although they claimed to love us, they were forced to cut us off -- the same thing we had done to those who had left before us.
Please print my letter as a wake-up call to let people know that scare tactics, manipulation and mind control techniques are very much alive. They are not just reserved for "cults," but are used by some churches. It's called "spiritual abuse," and it's as real as any other form of abuse. Books on the subject can be found at local bookstores and public libraries.
Thankfully, we now belong to a church that does not control our lives, does not shame us when we ask questions, does not resort to belittling and name-calling, and does not blame us for their failures. Instead, our church serves as a positive symbol and source of strength.
If people have doubts about an organization or church to which they belong, they should check it out. If it's a legitimate organization, it will stand up to scrutiny. Please, Abby, urge your readers not to ignore their conscience or bury their feelings. If someone feels something is wrong, there's a good chance it is. Sign me ... FREE AT LAST
DEAR FREE: You are 100 percent right in saying that if something feels uncomfortable, it's time to examine it more closely and do something about it. It's not a sin; it's healthy, mature behavior. Anything that requires all your time and money is depriving you of a balanced life.
DEAR ABBY: I know the world reads your column. I'd be so grateful if you would print my letter.
Why is it that when a person becomes a senior citizen, cashiers, hairdressers, everyone starts calling us "Sweetie," "Hon," "Honey," "Sweetheart" -- one even called me "Kitten"! It really upsets me and other seniors.
Is this something that comes with age, and is there something I could say to them? -- OHIO GRANNY
DEAR GRANNY: The names are intended as terms of endearment. They are far nicer than some of the names people are being called today. However, since you find the designations demeaning, inform these well-meaning people that you prefer to be addressed by your name only.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you'll print this and stop an urban legend in its tracks.
A year ago, my husband was handed a copy of a petition at work to sign and pass along. This petition was to stop Madalyn Murray O'Hair. She, as head of an atheist group, was filing a petition to the FCC to stop all religious programming from being aired on television and radio.
Needless to say, I was outraged! And why not? I am a mother and a loyal American who believes wholeheartedly in religious freedom and freedom of the press. I immediately logged on to the Internet and e-mailed this petition to everyone in my address book. Then I made photocopies and mailed them to friends and family who weren't online. I jumped in with both feet to stop Madalyn Murray O'Hair and her group from destroying all that Christians and Americans hold dear.
The only thing I didn't do (at least at first) was check the facts. Had I done so, I would have saved myself a lot of money and time.
The reality is that this petition is just one in a number of urban legends being spread today. Until I typed the name "Madalyn Murray O'Hair" into my search engine, I had no idea that I was not working to stop an atheist from taking away our freedoms, but was instead perpetuating a myth.
Spreading rumors may seem harmless, but it's not. It can cost everyone involved a good chunk of change when you add up the cost of postage, photocopying, stationery and envelopes. It also fuels ignorance and wastes time. The FCC actually had to hire people to handle the flood of mail on this subject.
Abby, I have been sent this petition five times in one year. Can you believe that? Please inform your readers that forwarding e-mail or "snail mail" -- or signing petitions without checking the facts -- is senseless and irresponsible. These "legends" feed on the blind faith of the readers. They rely on the tendency we have to follow our impulses. We should always do our homework before passing anything on, and especially before signing anything. It could save a load of trouble down the line. -- TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, JOHNSON CITY, TENN.
DEAR T OR C: Amen! I'm praying others will heed your message, because urban legends take on a life of their own if they go unchecked. (The one you mentioned has been around since 1974.)
P.S. Madalyn Murray O'Hair has been dead for over half a decade now. It's time we let her rest in peace.
DEAR ABBY: Here's another nervy "Can you top this?" letter: A well-to-do friend of mine insisted on giving me a retirement party, even though I protested.
The gathering was held at a small local yacht club. When my husband arrived with his camera, the hostess told him to be sure to snap a picture when she presented me with the money tree. Champagne was served. Everyone had a lovely time.
On the way home, I remembered that my friend had not presented me with the money tree. When I wrote her a nice thank-you, I ended by asking what happened to it.
Three weeks later on a piece of business correspondence, she added a line on the bottom that said, "The party cost more than anticipated, so the money tree was used to cover expenses." Needless to say, I am no longer in contact with my "tacky" friend. -- CARLSBAD, CALIF., RETIREE
DEAR CARLSBAD: Your letter is a first. Congratulations! I'm speechless.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Who Was Clinging Vine Has Grown to Rely on Herself
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Buddy" for 20 years. During the past seven years, we went through some big problems. I used to plead with him to pay more attention to me, but he never felt I was important enough. It's taken me years, but I have finally learned to live my life to the fullest without him.
Well, now all of a sudden Buddy has noticed that I am no longer "crying and clinging" to him. And get this: NOW he wants to be the perfect husband!
Abby, I grew so accustomed to being without Buddy that now I don't know what I want. I still love him, but I don't know if I want to remain in this marriage. The tables have turned, and I feel suffocated by all his sudden attention -- which I used to long for. I don't know what to make of all this. Can you please tell me what you think? -- WIFE WHO CHANGED HER LIFE
DEAR WIFE: Whatever was distracting your husband has come to an end. During his emotional absence you wisely developed other resources.
You and Buddy could benefit from marriage counseling. It will get you both back on the same track -- if that's what you both really want.
DEAR ABBY: I recently began experiencing anxiety attacks. They started so unexpectedly, I didn't realize what was happening to me. I would sweat profusely, become nauseated, and my legs would feel weak and shaky. I went to my family doctor and was checked out, but he found nothing physically wrong.
My health insurance provider gave me the phone number for a mental health hotline. I called and was immediately put in touch with a counselor. I have been seeing the counselor for three weeks, and my attacks are noticeably less severe.
Abby, please advise your readers who suffer from this that they are not alone. There is help out there. Nobody should feel embarrassed about asking for it. Seeing my life through someone else's eyes has made me understand how difficult and stressful this past year has been without my realizing it. -- ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR ON THE ROAD: I have always considered psychotherapy to be attending the "University of You." The course may be challenging, but it's always informative, and almost everyone can benefit from it.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and do not get along well with my mother, mostly because we are so much alike. My problem may seem childish and immature, but my mother goes through EVERYTHING of mine. She routinely goes through my dresser and desk drawers, my backpack and my purse. She gets angry if she finds a journal entry or note to a friend containing a remark about her.
I say she shouldn't be searching through my personal things in the first place. Am I unreasonable to ask for a little privacy? Has she crossed the line, or am I just being overly sensitive? -- NO PRIVACY IN PLANO, TEXAS
DEAR NO PRIVACY: Everyone is entitled to some privacy -- even teen-agers. However, until you reach legal age, your parents are responsible for your health, education and growth. Whether or not your mother has "crossed the line" depends upon the other aspects of your relationship with her. She may go through your things because you don't communicate with her. If you are secretive about what's going on in your life, of course she will pry.
Be smart and earn your privacy the easy way, by volunteering information, being absolutely honest, talking about your friends, your dates, where you're going and when you expect to be home. Try it -- it works.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)