To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am almost 14 and live in a foster home. Before I entered foster care, I didn't think much about other kids and teens in foster homes. Now that I'm the one with the title "foster kid," I see everything in a new light. Although foster homes are a blessing to most kids who live troubled lives, it's still very hard to endure. If there is one thing I hate about being a foster child, it is feeling different from others in my new neighborhood and school.
My message to your readers is: If there's a foster child you know, please reach out to him or her. We're not different from the rest of you.
Thank you for your time, Abby. Please share this with your readers. -- NAMELESS IN OREGON
DEAR NAMELESS: I'm pleased to spread your message. If people are hesitant to reach out to foster children, it may be because they are confused about why the children are in foster care.
Children are placed in foster care not because they have done anything wrong, but because, for whatever reason, their parents have neglected them or cannot provide a safe, nurturing environment for them. It is not the fault of the children. Foster children deserve all the attention, affection and encouragement you can give them. It will be returned a thousandfold.
DEAR ABBY: In response to your recent column about women involved with men who have narcissistic personalities, I thought it might be helpful if your readers could read a description of those personality characteristics. They are listed in the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" published by the American Psychiatric Association. -- BARBARA NESTINGEN, M.S., M.S.W., MILWAUKEE
DEAR BARBARA: I agree that a description of those traits might be helpful. I found them interesting. Read on:
CRITERIA FOR NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1) A grandiose sense of self-importance -- exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
2) Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
3) Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
4) Requires excessive admiration.
5) A sense of entitlement -- unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6) Interpersonally exploitative -- takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7) Lacks empathy -- is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8) Often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
MOM MEASURES HER REACTION TO DAUGHTER'S LOST VIRGINITY
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter left her journal open on her bed and, being nosy, I read the page that was open. She had written that she had lost her virginity to her boyfriend.
We have stressed to her how important it is to save herself for marriage, but it looks like she decided not to. She had a friend who just found out she was pregnant three months ago. I can't believe this didn't make my daughter think a little bit more about it.
Should I confront her about what I read, or let it slide? It's tearing me up inside because she was brought up with better values than this.
We have always been very close and she usually talks to me about everything. Well, at least I thought she did. Any advice? -- MISSOURI MOM
DEAR MOM: Your daughter may have left the book open in order to open the door to discussion with you. She probably didn't know how to break the news to you any other way and feared your reaction.
How you deal with this is very important. Do not attack her and do not scold. Talk calmly; tell her you are disappointed and why. Then review why it is important for her to use every precaution if she is going to be sexually active. Use her friend as an example. I suspect your daughter already knows she has gone further than she should have and now regrets it.
DEAR ABBY: The woman I date (I'll call her Earlene) is 62 and owns her own home. She also has a truck that's fully paid for, CDs and an IRA. In other words, she's well-off.
For the last four years we have gone out to eat frequently because she lives alone and so do I. We eat out at least four days a week, breakfast and dinner. In all that time she has picked up the check only five times. Even when I pay, she never leaves a tip. She figures since I'm paying the bill, I should do it.
Earlene is from the old school -- that the man is supposed to do all the paying. I have talked to her about it. It goes in one ear and out the other. I don't believe this is fair, and it is straining our relationship because I'm not as well-off as she is.
What ever happened to equal rights for women and men? Please answer soon. This is an emergency. -- BUSTED BUDGET, ANDOVER, OHIO
DEAR B.B.: If you're asking about the Equal Rights Amendment -- it lost by a narrow margin. Even so, dating rules have changed greatly since your ladyfriend was a girl. It's time to tell the meal server, "Separate checks, please." If Earlene doesn't agree, maybe it's time to go your separate ways.
DEAR ABBY: Although I am a recent reader of your column, I enjoy it daily. Would you kindly assist me with somewhat of an office etiquette dilemma?
Oftentimes in my workplace, women will actually brush their teeth using the public restroom sink. Personally, I think it is totally inappropriate for anyone to do such a thing in a public place, especially rinsing. Could you please share the appropriate rule, if any applies, and assist me in scolding such offenders? -- GROSSED OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR GROSSED OUT: Sorry. I respect people who are diligent about their oral hygiene. I see nothing wrong with brushing one's teeth in a public restroom, as long as the sink is rinsed thoroughly after the person is finished.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Silent Killer Lurks at the Stern of Many Vacation Houseboats
DEAR ABBY: As the owner of a cabin cruiser on Lake Powell in Utah, and an occasional renter of houseboats, I have recently learned how easily I, or one of my passengers, could become a victim of carbon monoxide (CO) poisoning.
The level of CO found beneath some houseboats is so high it can kill a person after only a few breaths.
Swim ladder designs on some houseboat models create an air cavity beneath the stern deck. This space is a popular place for kids to go swimming. Many boats also vent the gasoline generator exhaust into this space, which has no outlet, allowing lethal levels of carbon monoxide to build up within a few minutes.
Sadly, since 1994, nine people have died, and since 1991, more than 100 have required emergency care -- all from CO poisoning at Lake Powell.
Abby, please warn readers about the dangers of houseboats. Houseboats are being recalled and refitted. Houseboat owners should contact their nearest U.S. Coast Guard station for more information. -- BOAT OWNER IN FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ.
DEAR BOAT OWNER: Your warning will be news to a lot of people -- it was to me -- and I hope it serves to alert individuals and families who vacation on or around rented houseboats.
The problem seems to be a design flaw in certain models of houseboats that allows carbon monoxide to collect beneath swim platforms or in the vicinity of the swim ladder near the back of the boat.
Carbon monoxide is a colorless, odorless, tasteless gas. Exposure to it causes headaches, dizziness, fatigue, confusion and nausea. The symptoms can mimic those of seasickness. When breathed in high concentrations or for prolonged periods, it can cause convulsions, seizures and death. It is also the No. 1 cause of poisoning deaths in the United States. That's why proper ventilation when burning carbon fuel is a must.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old about to turn 13. I don't remember all the details of a letter in your column that touched me, but I do know what it was about -- sniffing inhalants.
When I read that letter I knew it had to be God speaking to me. I was experimenting with inhalants -- and having problems such as depression and suicidal thoughts that were beginning to take over my life.
I looked at suicide as a way out. I had it all planned, but my cousin talked to me, sensed something was wrong, and I confided in her. I didn't think she'd squeal, but she did. At first I was mad that she'd wrecked my plan. Fortunately, I was put into "Teen Recovery" to work out some of my problems.
After five days I was out and on to a new and better life -- thanks to the world's best parents, cousins, grandparents and friends that a person could ever have.
I hope my letter today will encourage some other troubled boy or girl out there to reach out if they're in trouble. Just sign me ... PRE-TEEN WITH NEW HOPE
DEAR PRE-TEEN: I, too, hope your letter reassures other kids who are in trouble that they can get the help they need. Caring family and friends are the best support system in the world.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)