What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sister's Request for Sperm Puts Strain on Brotherly Love
DEAR ABBY: My husband (I'll call him Rod) has asked me to solicit your opinion about a touchy family problem. Here goes:
My sister-in-law, "Sandy," moved to New York to get away from a difficult lesbian relationship. She is now involved with another woman. They have been together for about a year.
Sandy has asked Rod -- her only brother -- for a huge favor. She wants him to be a sperm donor for her new partner because they want a child with "family genes." I oppose the idea, to put it mildly.
Abby, Sandy has a history of instability. Most of her relationships are short-lived, and I don't believe this one will last either. Sandy told Rod not to discuss the matter with me, but of course he did. He feels trapped. This drama has been going on since March. She's demanding an answer by the end of July. Please help. -- DESPERATE FOR DIRECTION
DEAR DESPERATE: Should the relationship between your sister-in-law and her partner fall apart, your husband would worry about the child's well-being.
Since you and Rod are both uncomfortable with the idea of his being a sperm donor, he should "just say no" to increasing the family gene pool.
DEAR ABBY: May I offer a new clause to the "Safety Contract for a New Driver" that appeared in your column? It would read: "I promise not to use a cellular phone while driving."
As I write this, my granddaughter is in bed recovering from an automobile accident that occurred because she was on the car phone with her boyfriend. To prevent such a thing from happening again, a law to stop people from talking on the phone while driving can't come soon enough.
I used to be in outside sales and carried a cellular phone in my car for business. However, when I used it, I always pulled over to the side of the road so I could give my customer my undivided attention. People who think they can drive and talk on the phone at the same time are only kidding themselves. They'd be shocked if they could follow themselves on the road and see how much they are NOT paying attention. -- TWO HANDS ON THE WHEEL
DEAR TWO HANDS: I agree. But the mobile phone lobby is very powerful, and until our legislators realize they are facing an alarmed and angry voting bloc if they don't pass laws prohibiting drivers on cell phones, nothing will change.
DEAR ABBY: Like "Cathy in Coral Gables, Fla.," I am 15 and having my first serious relationship with a boyfriend. I'll call him "Lamar." I used to call Lamar at least 10 times a day and go to his house every day. Like "Cathy," I finally got the impression that his family didn't want me calling that many times or visiting every day. So, do you know what I did, Abby? I cut back. I now call Lamar only five times a day and visit every other day.
Ever since I cut back, Lamar and I have grown closer. Now I am not only in love with him, but I'm in love with his whole family -- and I think they love me, too. -- CUT BACK IN MISSOURI
DEAR CUT BACK: Smart girl. Now, consider how much they'll love you if you call only three times a day -- and drop by no more than twice a week. They may even adopt you!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been in a relationship with "Joe" for several years. His mother, "Roxie," is pushy and manipulative. I've seen her blow things out of proportion with other people.
Last night, thinking we had privacy, Joe and I talked about getting married. We were only bringing the subject up –- we have no intention of marrying right now.
Today at work, Roxie called me and said she "overheard" Joe and me talking, and already had someone lined up to bake the wedding cake. She also knows the "perfect place" for our wedding reception –- and she wants me to wear her wedding dress from 35 years ago. I was so shocked, all I could say was, "I'll talk it over with Joe."
Abby, how can I stop her from butting into our lives without starting a conflict? -– WHAT TO SAY IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR WHAT TO SAY: You and Joe should thank his mother for her generosity and tell her that it was only a preliminary conversation, and that no wedding is yet being planned. Assure her that if things change, she'll be the first to know.
P.S. Instead of feeling defensive, you should be flattered. Her positive reaction indicates how much she approves of you.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who is terrified of going back to public school because of the fear of getting shot. I recently heard on the news that the number of school shootings will increase.
I am being forced to make a decision about going back to public school or staying in home-school. Please help me make the right decision. Your opinion means a lot to me. -- TERRIFIED TEEN, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR TERRIFIED TEEN: The problem with fear is that, unchecked, it feeds upon itself and magnifies. While the school shootings of the last few years have received much media attention, the truth is that the vast majority of students in attendance are teens just like yourself -– sane, studious and functional.
You will become completely housebound if you withdraw from society because you are afraid of some lunatic with a gun, because shootings also occur in markets, post offices, banks and on residential streets. Far better to face your fears by talking them out with a professional counselor than to remain in home-school because of a fear of being shot. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: I have two wonderful children. I have been divorced from their father for several years. His current wife –- who is expecting their second child -– is the woman he had an affair with who broke up our marriage.
My problem is whenever I pick up or drop off the kids for visitation, my ex continues to make passes at me. I don't want his new wife to find out because I'm afraid it will cause friction and create more negative impact on my kids. I tell him to stop, but he is still a groping pig. How can I get him to quit? – PINCHED IN POMONA
DEAR PINCHED: Your ex acts like he's convinced he's irresistible. You could remind him that when the two of you were divorced, he lost any right he ever had to touch you –- but I doubt it will dissuade him. A more effective method of self-defense would be to stay out of arm's reach. (Example: inside the car with the windows more than halfway up.)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Young Victims of Abuse Are Urged to Reach Out for Support
DEAR ABBY: You printed a column from stepchildren in loveless homes. Both letters were signed, "No Name, No Address, No Phone." I hope you'll convey this message to the teen-ager in high school:
Please remember that in three years you'll be graduating and be able to start a new and independent life. Despite your surroundings, make every effort to make these important years count.
Wake up each morning, make your bed, and get yourself out of there so you can focus on your future. Take refuge at the library and at school. Work toward a scholarship. Prove your parents and stepparents wrong by becoming a shining example for your younger sister and brother. YOU CAN DO IT!
Many adults in this world want to see young people succeed and fulfill their potential. Talk with your teachers, coaches, counselors, ministers and the parents of friends. Reach out, and you'll find the support you need to get through this difficult time.
You deserve a life filled with love and support. I'm sending a big hug for you and your siblings. -– TWIN CITIES MOM AND TEACHER
DEAR MOM AND TEACHER: Your letter will have meaning for far more young people than the two whose letters appeared in my column. I'm sad to say that nearly 20 percent of the letters I receive involve physical or emotional abuse. For a civilized society, that's appalling. Please read on:
DEAR ABBY: Seventeen years of my life were spent being kicked, punched and beaten. I was choked, shamed, told I was worthless, starved, berated -– you name it.
My relatives saw what was happening, but my mother would tell them I was such a terrible child I deserved worse than I was getting. If someone had just once asked me what was going on, I would have gladly told them. But I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone unless Mother said it was OK.
Children should feel safe in their own homes. Unfortunately, abuse goes on right under people's noses. I'm willing to bet that many people reading this know someone who is being abused, but the person is too embarrassed to admit it. Victims are made to carry the guilt of the abuser, so they become masters at hiding it. I was told I was so bad no one would believe me. I was too afraid to confide in my teachers or friends for fear of retribution. I had been warned that if I ever told, I would be beaten beyond recognition.
By the way, if you're wondering where my father was during all this, he was right there -– watching. He was as afraid of my mother as I was.
I finally moved out at the age of 17. Mother always said if I didn't like the way she treated me, I could leave any time. I think she was more surprised than anyone else when she saw me packing my belongings. Within an hour I was gone.
To this day, every interaction I have with her is painful. She denies everything, even though many of my relatives have told her they witnessed her abuse. While I have moved on, she is depressed and talks about suicide. I will accept no responsibility for her depression. She should have gotten her act together a long time ago. -– SURVIVOR
DEAR SURVIVOR: In your case, that's healthy thinking. You have suffered enough for a lifetime. Your abusive mother could outlive you. Let your "loving family" deal with her. Keep your distance and do not allow yourself to be manipulated.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)