For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cashier Gets Mad and Even With Rude Cell Phone Users
DEAR ABBY: I have had it with people who talk nonstop on cell phones while simultaneously conducting other business.
As a cashier in a large retail chain, I experience this rudeness daily. Customers come to my register, dump their purchases on the counter, and continue their cell phone conversations without even acknowledging me. After I ring up their total, they'll hand over their money or credit card without looking up, grab their stuff and walk away -- still talking a mile a minute.
Do you know what I've started doing to get even? I purposely "forget" to put one of their items into their bag, or "accidentally" charge them twice for something. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I have absolutely no qualms about it. If they don't have the good manners and common sense to ask the person on the line to hold (an average transaction takes less than a minute), these losers deserve to make an extra trip back to get their merchandise or correct their bill.
Maybe next time they'll pay more attention when they get in my line. Thanks for letting me vent! -- CASHIER WITH A MISSION
DEAR CASHIER: What the customers are doing is rude; what YOU are doing is far worse! If you were my employee, you would be history. Sooner or later this will catch up to you; it's only a matter of time.
If you are wise, you will try to get at the root of what's really causing your anger. It's not the customers. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply concerned about our grandchildren, ages 6 and 9. Our son, "Kevin," recently went through a divorce. He now shares custody with his ex-wife.
When Kevin and the kids come over for Sunday dinner, my son turns dinnertime into a battleground. For example, he'll argue with the children nonstop and force them to eat things they don't like. I think he's intentionally trying to stir up trouble. His father and I eat in silence and try not to interfere. We just pray Kevin will hurry up and go home. We're nervous wrecks by the time they leave.
When my husband and I have the children alone, we're able to create a relaxed atmosphere, and our grandkids respond to that. We talk calmly to them about their day, what happened at school, or anything that may be bothering them.
I am concerned about the mental well-being of our grandchildren, Abby. When they get hurt, Kevin doesn't try to comfort them or check to see how bad the boo-boo is -- he orders them to stop crying and quit acting like babies.
Should we speak up or butt out and leave our son alone? Please help. -- WORRIED ABOUT KEVIN'S KIDS
DEAR WORRIED: If Kevin's behavior has changed since the divorce, it's possible he's overwhelmed by all the responsibility he has when the children are with him.
By all means speak up! If it continues, his overbearing manner will destroy his relationship with his children. Offer to take the children on a regular basis for a while; it might lessen your son's stress.
DEAR ABBY: I was married four months ago. I'm afraid it was a big mistake. My husband and I agree that, to say the least, things are not what we thought they would be.
If we get a divorce, do we have to return the wedding gifts? My parents believe that we do. -- WANTS OUT IN LYNDONVILLE, VT.
DEAR WANTS OUT: I agree with your parents. Should you divorce, any unused gifts should be returned.
SCATTERING OF ASHES IS NOT AS SIMPLE AS IT MAY SEEM
DEAR ABBY: I am an attorney who provides legal assistance throughout the country to cemeteries, crematories, funeral homes and trade associations in the industry. I am writing to correct some popular misconceptions that were reflected in some of the letters in your column in the last few weeks.
First, all of the letter writers used the term "ashes" to describe cremated human remains. The remains of a cremated body are not ashes as the term is commonly understood. The remains are bone fragments that, if not mechanically reduced, can be too large to scatter. They do not immediately dissolve when scattered. They normally cannot be dispersed and blown away. Unfortunately, the movies and the media have misused the term "ashes" for many years, not realizing the problems it causes survivors who attempt to scatter remains in the manner often depicted.
Second, while it is permissible in all states to scatter cremated remains, there are legal requirements. No state law allows them to be scattered on private property without the consent of the property owner. Many national and state parks have specific rules, permit requirements and, sometimes, location limitations for the scattering of those remains. Several years ago, representatives of a national park and the leader of an Indian tribe contacted an industry association to complain about illegal scattering of cremated remains on the tribe's sacred burial grounds, which were located within the park. Most cemeteries also have rules and regulations that must be observed.
Third, adding an additional memorial for the cremated remains of a second spouse on the cemetery plot where the first spouse is buried has legal implications. When burial spaces are originally acquired, there is an expectation that a surviving spouse will be buried with the deceased spouse in an appropriate manner. If a companion memorial was purchased and installed when the first spouse died, changing the arrangement may require the legal consent of all survivors. In addition, most cemeteries have rules and regulations dealing with burial of cremated remains with human remains and the appropriate types of memorials.
Finally, when separating cremated remains as a keepsake, it is important to make sure that everyone agrees with the plan. The individuals who have the legal right to authorize a cremation usually have the right to determine the disposition of remains. Also, any individual who takes a portion of those remains should be cautioned to treat them in a respectful and proper manner. Unfortunately, there have been incidents where cremated remains have been disposed of in the same manner as garbage.
I hope this information will allow your readers to provide meaningful memorialization for their loved ones without violating any laws, rules and regulations -– or the rights of other individuals. –- HARVEY I. LAPIN, ESQ., NORTHBROOK, ILL.
DEAR HARVEY: I hope so, too. This is a subject that many people have enthusiastically embraced -- as reflected in past columns. Anyone who wishes to scatter the "ashes" of a loved one should first contact the appropriate authorities to make sure they are in compliance with the law.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Shady Slim Should Be Told to Saddle Up and Ride Away
DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I met and fell desperately in love with a cowboy named "Slim." I believed everything he told me -- that he had married only once and was divorced, that he had only one son. Lies, all lies. Slim was still married when he married me. He stole money and property from me, then took off to be with a woman in another state.
Abby, I adored Slim and was very good to him. I supported him, believing that he couldn't work because he was on disability. We never had sex because he told me he had a bad heart and couldn't perform, plus he had personal injuries from being gored by a bull in a rodeo. I bought him everything he needed and wanted -- clothes, medicine, you name it.
I took my retirement money and set Slim up in a flea-market business, but he took everything and ran off with another woman -- not once, but twice. I guess I wasn't thinking straight because I believed him the second time, only to have him rob me again and leave.
Now he's calling and saying he will do anything to make it work again, but he's still in another state with that woman.
What can I do to get him out of my life and to stop loving him? -- NAIVE NELLIE IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR NELLIE: Recognize that sometimes what we want is not good for us. This can apply to chocolate, alcohol and cowboys named Slim. Distance yourself and stop accepting his phone calls. Also, report him to the police. He is a bigamist and a con artist.
DEAR ABBY: I started smoking marijuana eight years ago. I consider myself a "social smoker." I quit for three years, then went back to using it. I can go for months without it, but always return to getting stoned again. I keep telling myself I have to stop.
If I continue using grass, I know I will never hold a good job, because I would test positive if the company has random drug testing. I want to quit. Is going to rehab the only way? Or are there other alternatives? Please help me. -- ALL "SMOKED" OUT
DEAR ALL "SMOKED" OUT: I admire the fact you recognize you have a problem that must be dealt with. Since you haven't been able to break the habit on your own, rehab and drug counseling are indicated to end your psychological addiction. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a large hospital. Signs are posted everywhere asking people not to use cellular phones inside the facility. Believe it or not, some people ignore the request and use their cell phones anyway. The fact is, cell phones interfere with monitoring equipment in the emergency room, operating rooms, critical and intensive care units, neonatal units, etc.
Abby, please urge your readers to either use a pay phone for their calls, or step outside the hospital to use their cell phone. -- CONCERNED HEALTH CARE WORKER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONCERNED: The activity you have described could be life-threatening. If I were a hospital employee who witnessed such a flagrant disregard for the rules, I would notify security and have the person escorted outside.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)