For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Only Safe Way to Enjoy Fireworks Is at a Distance
DEAR ABBY: I would like to pose a question to your readers who are parents: Would you hand your child a lighted match? The idea is absurd. Yet each Independence Day, thousands of parents don't give a second thought to giving their children sparklers -- lighted sticks that can burn at a temperature up to 1,200 degrees Fahrenheit.
Last year, more than 8,000 people in the United States (most of them children) received treatment at an emergency room for injuries related to fireworks. Keep in mind this figure does not include injuries treated by private physicians or those not treated at all. I would like to remind your readers of all ages that fireworks (sparklers included) are not toys. Please leave fireworks to the professionals.
The number of people who sustain serious burns, loss of eyesight or other disfiguring trauma as a result of fireworks is evidence that there is no safe way for amateurs to use them.
July Fourth and fireworks are practically synonymous. I am not suggesting that fireworks be banned from the celebration; however, the associated risks must be recognized -- and reduced. Professional pyrotechnicians are trained to adhere to state-of-the-art codes for public fireworks displays. The only "safe" way to enjoy fireworks this July is at one of these public displays -- from a distance. -- GEORGE D. MILLER, PRESIDENT, NFPA NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION
DEAR GEORGE: How right you are! While we are on the subject of injuries sustained on July Fourth and other holidays, let's not forget the injuries and deaths caused by another kind of "fireworks" -- bullets fired into the air by exuberant celebrants.
Although guns played a part in winning our independence, the deadly toll exacted by gunmen trying to enhance their celebration is unconscionable and illegal. Readers, please report this crime to the police. Too many lives have been lost as a result of gun accidents. This year, let's not add to the numbers as we celebrate our nation's hard-won freedom.
DEAR ABBY: Ever since I walked into our bedroom and found my wife, "Janice," naked with a naked man, my relations with her have been -- at the least -- strained. I have tried to be more in touch with her needs, but we have not made love for more than a year.
My wife is defensive and has brandished your column on "signs of abuse." Many of the points you make she has been guilty of herself, yet she blames me for these behaviors. I have been to counseling, and Janice joined me a couple of times, but she refused to go back because the counselor upset her. We have two beautiful girls whom we both want to raise -- I think. I still love my wife and want to be her best friend again.
I'm ready to forgive and move on with my life, and I want it to be with my wife. If not, I'll take care of my girls. How can I persuade Janice to return to counseling? We need it. -- TORN IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TORN: You can't. The person who must be willing to admit that counseling is needed to save what's left of your marriage is your wife. Until the subject of her infidelity can be put to bed -- no pun intended -- it will remain the elephant in the living room and nothing will heal your relationship.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Guest of Honor at Shower Was Rained Out Before Her Parade
DEAR ABBY: I would appreciate your opinion. When a bridal, baby or any other kind of shower is given, isn't it customary for the guest of honor to open the gifts, then pass them around for all the guests to admire?
If the guest of honor is suddenly taken ill, shouldn't the event be postponed or canceled, rather than the guests going ahead with the event and opening the presents in her absence? This happened to me some years ago. I was terribly disappointed to have missed my own party -- yet I have been told this practice is perfectly proper. Is that true, Abby?
-- AWAITING YOUR REPLY, SUNNYVALE, CALIF.
DEAR AWAITING: Not in my book. If the guest of honor at a shower is taken ill, the event should be postponed until she is better and can enjoy it. While we're on the subject of showers, read on:
DEAR ABBY: My co-worker "Cookie" was expecting her first child. Her mother-in-law sent invitations for the baby shower. I shopped for three weeks until I found the perfect gift, which, I might add, was not cheap.
When the guests arrived, Cookie's mother-in-law explained that she would not be there. She was resting and recuperating from the miscarriage she had suffered a week earlier! Her mother-in-law then added, "Don't worry. MY daughter is pregnant. I know she'll love these nice gifts."
So, the gift I purchased for Cookie went to someone I've never met. I'll bet you've never heard a story like that one before. -- STUNNED IN LOUISIANA
DEAR STUNNED: You're right. Your letter is another first. It illustrates why Elizabeth Post wrote in "The New Emily Post's Etiquette":
"Stork -- or baby -- showers are best given after the happy event takes place. While the vast majority of babies are born healthy and happily, there is always a faint chance that something can go wrong, and nothing could be sadder for the bereaved mother (or father) than to have to put away or return the unused shower gifts. But once mother and baby have been home for a few weeks, they are ready to 'receive,' and the mother is eager to show off her pride and joy."
The idea that your friend's mother-in-law would assume she could commandeer the baby gifts for her own daughter is absurd. Every time I think I've heard it all, another letter like yours arrives.
DEAR ABBY: Please settle an argument. I am blessed with a good job and financial security. However, when it comes to gift giving, my wife, "Lois," and I do not agree.
I enjoy being generous; I can afford it. However, Lois believes that our relatives will feel they must reciprocate at the same level. For the most part, this would present hardship for them.
Should I go ahead and give what I want, or take into account the financial constraints of these family members? Lois thinks we should establish standard amounts for each occasion and stick to those guidelines. She says she's not cheap; she is sensitive to the feelings of our relatives. Who is right, Abby? -- BIG SPENDER IN THE GARDEN STATE
DEAR BIG SPENDER: Your wife may have a point. The burden of gratitude can become heavy when a person is unable to reciprocate at a similar level.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COUPLE RUN BOTH HOT AND COLD THOUGH THEIR LOVE IS CONSTANT
DEAR ABBY: I have finally found the love of my life. (I'll call her Muriel.) We spend almost all our time together. We share similar interests; we laugh and cry together. Muriel and I do not live together, but we have a sexual relationship and believe we are soul mates.
There's one big difference between us that's causing a major problem: We have different "body thermostats," which makes sleeping together difficult. When I am comfortable, Muriel is shivering. When she's comfortable, I am too warm.
When I visit her apartment, it's overly warm and stuffy with little ventilation. Muriel in turn complains about how chilly I keep my house.
I am at my wit's end about how to solve this. I care enough for Muriel to want to spend the rest of my life with her, but if we can't be comfortable sleeping in the same bed, how can we possibly last? Your thoughts, please. -– SLEEPLESS IN TOLEDO
DEAR SLEEPLESS: Your beloved is the kind of woman for whom flannel was invented. Please don't let it come between you.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter you printed from the woman whose mother wants to celebrate her 50th anniversary surrounded by family and friends, even though her husband has been dead five years.
You stated that she hadn't properly dealt with the death of her husband and could be in a stage of dementia. You advised a medical and psychological evaluation at the time of her next annual physical –- if not sooner.
Well, Abby, I personally think the mother's idea is wonderful! Why anyone would condemn her idea and say it would look foolish is beyond me. It's romantic and wonderful that this woman wants to celebrate a lifetime of love and memories -– after all, that's what anniversaries are all about.
Yes, it's sad that her husband will not be there in body. But it seems to me that Mom's intent is that he be there in spirit. Placing a photograph at his place setting to honor his memory is not exactly saying she expects him to walk in, sit down and dine. A family portrait that includes Mom holding his picture is hardly something to get hot and bothered over, either. I think it's a thoughtful way of saying her husband is still in her heart and memory.
Abby, I'm sure that woman is well aware that her husband is dead. She probably cared for him while he was dying, and now lives every day in an empty house surrounded by memories of their life together. I see no crime in wanting to share this memory with family and friends. For you to say the mother may be suffering from dementia because of this is insulting.
In my opinion, the family and friends should be more supportive. Perhaps her 50th anniversary celebration is a last-ditch effort to get those around her to acknowledge her husband's life instead of dwelling on the tragedy of his death. -- MOURNING FOR MOM IN TEXAS
DEAR MOURNING: Your letter is not the only one I received from readers who disagreed with my answer. And you could be right. Perhaps I analyzed the letter too much with my head and not enough with my heart. After all, by marking what would have been her 50th anniversary with a celebration of her marriage, she would be hurting no one. And if it brings her comfort -- why not?
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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