Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Guest of Honor at Shower Was Rained Out Before Her Parade
DEAR ABBY: I would appreciate your opinion. When a bridal, baby or any other kind of shower is given, isn't it customary for the guest of honor to open the gifts, then pass them around for all the guests to admire?
If the guest of honor is suddenly taken ill, shouldn't the event be postponed or canceled, rather than the guests going ahead with the event and opening the presents in her absence? This happened to me some years ago. I was terribly disappointed to have missed my own party -- yet I have been told this practice is perfectly proper. Is that true, Abby?
-- AWAITING YOUR REPLY, SUNNYVALE, CALIF.
DEAR AWAITING: Not in my book. If the guest of honor at a shower is taken ill, the event should be postponed until she is better and can enjoy it. While we're on the subject of showers, read on:
DEAR ABBY: My co-worker "Cookie" was expecting her first child. Her mother-in-law sent invitations for the baby shower. I shopped for three weeks until I found the perfect gift, which, I might add, was not cheap.
When the guests arrived, Cookie's mother-in-law explained that she would not be there. She was resting and recuperating from the miscarriage she had suffered a week earlier! Her mother-in-law then added, "Don't worry. MY daughter is pregnant. I know she'll love these nice gifts."
So, the gift I purchased for Cookie went to someone I've never met. I'll bet you've never heard a story like that one before. -- STUNNED IN LOUISIANA
DEAR STUNNED: You're right. Your letter is another first. It illustrates why Elizabeth Post wrote in "The New Emily Post's Etiquette":
"Stork -- or baby -- showers are best given after the happy event takes place. While the vast majority of babies are born healthy and happily, there is always a faint chance that something can go wrong, and nothing could be sadder for the bereaved mother (or father) than to have to put away or return the unused shower gifts. But once mother and baby have been home for a few weeks, they are ready to 'receive,' and the mother is eager to show off her pride and joy."
The idea that your friend's mother-in-law would assume she could commandeer the baby gifts for her own daughter is absurd. Every time I think I've heard it all, another letter like yours arrives.
DEAR ABBY: Please settle an argument. I am blessed with a good job and financial security. However, when it comes to gift giving, my wife, "Lois," and I do not agree.
I enjoy being generous; I can afford it. However, Lois believes that our relatives will feel they must reciprocate at the same level. For the most part, this would present hardship for them.
Should I go ahead and give what I want, or take into account the financial constraints of these family members? Lois thinks we should establish standard amounts for each occasion and stick to those guidelines. She says she's not cheap; she is sensitive to the feelings of our relatives. Who is right, Abby? -- BIG SPENDER IN THE GARDEN STATE
DEAR BIG SPENDER: Your wife may have a point. The burden of gratitude can become heavy when a person is unable to reciprocate at a similar level.
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COUPLE RUN BOTH HOT AND COLD THOUGH THEIR LOVE IS CONSTANT
DEAR ABBY: I have finally found the love of my life. (I'll call her Muriel.) We spend almost all our time together. We share similar interests; we laugh and cry together. Muriel and I do not live together, but we have a sexual relationship and believe we are soul mates.
There's one big difference between us that's causing a major problem: We have different "body thermostats," which makes sleeping together difficult. When I am comfortable, Muriel is shivering. When she's comfortable, I am too warm.
When I visit her apartment, it's overly warm and stuffy with little ventilation. Muriel in turn complains about how chilly I keep my house.
I am at my wit's end about how to solve this. I care enough for Muriel to want to spend the rest of my life with her, but if we can't be comfortable sleeping in the same bed, how can we possibly last? Your thoughts, please. -– SLEEPLESS IN TOLEDO
DEAR SLEEPLESS: Your beloved is the kind of woman for whom flannel was invented. Please don't let it come between you.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter you printed from the woman whose mother wants to celebrate her 50th anniversary surrounded by family and friends, even though her husband has been dead five years.
You stated that she hadn't properly dealt with the death of her husband and could be in a stage of dementia. You advised a medical and psychological evaluation at the time of her next annual physical –- if not sooner.
Well, Abby, I personally think the mother's idea is wonderful! Why anyone would condemn her idea and say it would look foolish is beyond me. It's romantic and wonderful that this woman wants to celebrate a lifetime of love and memories -– after all, that's what anniversaries are all about.
Yes, it's sad that her husband will not be there in body. But it seems to me that Mom's intent is that he be there in spirit. Placing a photograph at his place setting to honor his memory is not exactly saying she expects him to walk in, sit down and dine. A family portrait that includes Mom holding his picture is hardly something to get hot and bothered over, either. I think it's a thoughtful way of saying her husband is still in her heart and memory.
Abby, I'm sure that woman is well aware that her husband is dead. She probably cared for him while he was dying, and now lives every day in an empty house surrounded by memories of their life together. I see no crime in wanting to share this memory with family and friends. For you to say the mother may be suffering from dementia because of this is insulting.
In my opinion, the family and friends should be more supportive. Perhaps her 50th anniversary celebration is a last-ditch effort to get those around her to acknowledge her husband's life instead of dwelling on the tragedy of his death. -- MOURNING FOR MOM IN TEXAS
DEAR MOURNING: Your letter is not the only one I received from readers who disagreed with my answer. And you could be right. Perhaps I analyzed the letter too much with my head and not enough with my heart. After all, by marking what would have been her 50th anniversary with a celebration of her marriage, she would be hurting no one. And if it brings her comfort -- why not?
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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MAN SADDENED BY AFFAIR THAT COST HIM FAMILY'S RESPECT
DEAR ABBY: I have a true story to share. It's the story of a man who married his high school sweetheart. She supported him through college, encouraged him to pursue a degree, and gave him two beautiful children. She became a wonderful mother. She never missed a ballgame. She took the children to church. She worked full time and went without in order to give us more, and he, on the other hand, never helped around the house and became obsessed with his job.
A female co-worker with a questionable reputation began to flirt, flatter and confide in him about her inattentive husband. He allowed himself to be convinced an affair was justified, since his wife was so busy raising his children. Soon the affair became common knowledge. He had to leave his home and family, which suddenly seemed invaluable beyond belief.
Abby, I traded everything important in life for a woman who's not fit to wipe my wife's shoes. Although I never strayed before, my reputation is ruined. My children will never again respect me. I'll be known for the rest of my life as someone who committed adultery and lied to everyone I know and love.
If there is a man reading this who's considering following in my footsteps, I hope my letter makes him think twice. He should go home, help his wife, be part of his children's lives, and stop believing he should be the center of everyone's attention.
If a married man is tempted by another woman, I guarantee she's selfish and looking out for only her own needs. And if he marries her, what he'll have is an adulteress who lies and cheats. I wish I could change everything I have done. -– SADDER BUT WISER
DEAR SADDER: I'm printing your warning. Anyone who reads it and fluffs it off thinking your story is unusual, please read on:
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I met "Liz," the woman of my dreams. My marriage of 1 1/2 years was rocky. Liz was ambitious, hard-working, exciting and fun -– everything I thought my wife wasn't. Liz was an airline pilot. Over dinner we told each other our tales of woe. I walked her to her car; she kissed me. Two hours later I was an adulterer.
Because we're both pilots, we could meet without suspicion during overnight layovers in other cities. We discussed marriage and children. I felt some guilt about what this would do to my 1-year-old son, but the thought of divorcing my wife was surprisingly easy.
After three months, Liz suddenly became cold and distant. She said she needed time to think things through. Several months later, I learned she was marrying a wealthy man she had met while we were involved. I was devastated.
I'm now divorced. My ex and I are trying to reconcile, but it doesn't look good. If things don't work out, my desire to become involved with another woman is completely gone.
The expensive lesson I learned is don't take the easy way out. If your marriage is unhappy, get professional help. Identify what's wrong before venturing down a destructive path. I have lost everything important to me -– my son, the respect of my ex-wife, family and friends -– and my own self-respect. I'm reminded every time I look in the mirror. -– SO SORRY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SO SORRY AND OTHER MARRIED MEN WITH THE URGE TO WANDER: There you have it -– not one object lesson but two. Let me add a thought for the day: If you don't value what you have, you're sure to lose it.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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