For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE'S WISH FOR HER BIRTHDAY IS TO SPEND IT WITH FRIENDS
DEAR ABBY: My 36th birthday is coming, and I would like to do something exciting. I want to have fun with some of my close friends. I have celebrated with my husband and 9-year-old daughter for the past eight years. It's always the same. They buy me a cake, give me gifts and sing "Happy Birthday" -– and every year, I become more depressed because "like that," my birthday is over.
I need something more. How can I break this depressing cycle and explain to my husband and daughter that I prefer spending my birthday with friends? -– WANTING A HAPPIER BIRTHDAY
DEAR WANTING: Is there any reason why you can't do both -– have a family birthday and some special time with your friends? Many people celebrate their birthdays over a period of several days.
I can't help feeling something more is going on than you have revealed in your letter. You may be depressed, and not just on your birthday. See your physician and tell him or her how you feel. If you don't, I see trouble ahead.
DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a "senior recital" for my next-door neighbor's daughter. The parents of this girl have reserved the auditorium at the school and invited friends and family to an hour-long presentation by her, followed by a reception.
My question: Is this a gift-giving occasion? Should I take flowers or what? I don't want to arrive empty-handed, but I'm in a quandary as to what exactly I should do.
Obviously this is a first for me, Abby. I like these people and want to do the right thing. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -– D.M.K. IN DELAWARE
DEAR D.M.K.: While being invited to a senior recital is not usually considered a gift-giving occasion, if you were to take something the girl could have as a keepsake, she would probably treasure it for the rest of her life. It needn't be anything expensive.
Another idea would be to unobtrusively take a photograph of her during her presentation, frame it, and give it to her as a memento.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and mother-in-law had surgeries on the same day in hospitals more than 100 miles apart. After my wife emerged from surgery, and I was assured that everything had gone well, I raced to the other hospital to see my mother-in-law.
When I reached her side, I could see she was close to death. I asked her if there was anything I could do. She raised an arm, pulled me close and whispered a compliment I will never forget. She said, "Dougie, I'm not a jealous person. If I were, I would be jealous of the life my daughter has had with you."
I kissed her wrinkled cheek, said goodbye and drove back to my wife. It was a sunny California day, but I had difficulty seeing through my tears.
My message to other sons-in-law is this: Instead of making fun of your mothers-in-law, tell them how much you love them. You might be surprised to find out they love you, too. -– "DOUGIE" SOMEWHERE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DOUGIE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother-in-law. She must have been a wonderful woman to have given you such a meaningful farewell gift. I hope others will take your letter to heart. It contains an important lesson.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Funerals Are About Good Feelings, Not Good Clothes
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Marie in Grand Prairie, Texas," who was shocked at some of the attire and lack of respect shown at a funeral she attended. She sent a list of do's and don'ts regarding funeral etiquette.
My mother passed away recently. Shy and homebound, she knew very few people. My siblings and I expected less than 25 attendees at her funeral. We were stunned to see triple that number gathered for Mom's service. Some were family members, but most of them were our friends, many of whom had never met Mom. Some wore dresses and suits; others wore jeans.
I wouldn't have cared if they had come in their bathrobes. These wonderful people put their lives on hold to come and tell me they cared about me and were sorry about the loss of my mother.
Your response to Marie was right on target. It's not about what people wear; it's what's in their hearts that counts. -– MOM'S DAUGHTER, ROCKWALL, TEXAS
DEAR DAUGHTER: Many people wrote to comment on Marie's letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Bravo for your response to Marie regarding "proper and acceptable" funeral behavior. When we buried my Herb, I violated the "hug and acknowledgment" rule she listed. As relatives, friends and acquaintances (well over 200) filed by his American flag-draped coffin, I hugged each and every one -– a spontaneous reaction.
There should be no hard-and-fast "rules." Herb would have deplored a regimented service. The entire group even joined in singing John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads" during the service. More than a year later, I still receive compliments about his wonderful send-off. -– "HUGGING SUE," LEMOORE, CALIF.
DEAR HUGGING SUE: Your husband's funeral was a "love-in" at the time you needed it most. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago my best friend "Sara" (who was 13 at the time) suffered a major tragedy. Her father, a long-haired biker in his mid-30s, died.
When we arrived for the funeral, we were shocked to see most of the adults wearing blue jeans and cut-off shirts. Her father had been dressed in blue jeans, his favorite Harley shirt and a leather jacket. His friends left mementos (like a remote control) in his coffin and cheerfully chatted about the good times. There were few tears.
At first I thought it was improper. I have since changed my mind. I now know that's exactly how her dad would have wanted it. He wanted to go out with a bang –- and he sure did! –- ALLIE IN ST. CHARLES, MO.
DEAR ALLIE: More power to him. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Hugs and acknowledgments can be given anytime, anyplace. After the viewing, prior to my husband's service, a mother held out her baby, who took my finger in her fist. I knew then that, yes, life does go on.
Every person in attendance took away a little bit of my pain. I couldn't begin to tell you what they were wearing. –- CENTRAL NEBRASKA READER
DEAR READER: I understand. A woman named Patricia in Cincinnati related that she wore a bright green dress for her husband's funeral. A few days before his sudden death he had admired it on display and said it would look even better on her. She wore it knowing his spirit was with her, whispering, "You made the right choice!" And, indeed, she did if it brought her comfort.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER'S CONFESSION OF AFFAIR WEIGHS ON GIRL'S CONSCIENCE
DEAR ABBY: Recently when I dropped by my sister "Judith's" home for a visit, I found my 13-year-old niece, "Libby," curled in a fetal position on the sofa. Her face was red and wet from tears. After half an hour of coaxing, she confided what caused her to be distraught.
Libby had confronted Judith that morning with suspicions that her mother was having an affair. Not only did Judith confirm her daughter's suspicions, she informed Libby that the affair had been going on for several years and was nowhere near finished. Then my sister swore Libby to silence. Libby said Judith was not only not sorry, but she was proud of what she was doing.
I held Libby for the next two hours while she poured out her sorrows. Then she asked me what she should do. Abby, I didn't know what to say. I've always lived by the "mind your own business" dictate, but I'm not so sure about it now.
I don't doubt Libby's story. I know of two other affairs my sister has had. What upsets me is Judith's lack of good sense. Tell me, what kind of mother proudly confirms her affair and then forces her 13-year-old daughter to keep the secret from her father? -- MY HEAD IS SPINNING
DEAR MY HEAD IS SPINNING: A very shortsighted, cruel and unrealistic one.
Stay close to your niece. She needs someone to talk to. Tell your sister you know about her affair. Suggest she and her husband go to marriage counseling -- or else you will have to tell him for the sake of your niece's emotional health. Whatever the outcome, this is an unfortunate and traumatic event in your niece's life. She will need counseling.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "No Name, No City, No Hope, No Life," who remained in an abusive marriage "for the sake of the children." She said she'd leave when the children were grown, but now her husband has health problems and she has responsibilities.
Abby, this woman is only middle-aged. I was 72 when I left a miserable 45-year marriage. My message to her:
You say you have "responsibilities." What responsibilities? To him? Get out! Don't look back! I love being free! Abby is right. It is never too late until you are dead. I love living alone. -- FREE AT LAST IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR FREE AT LAST: Bless you for writing. Your letter may be just the push that others need to reclaim their lives and self-respect.
DEAR ABBY: I am wildly in love with a wonderful man. We have been seeing each other for two years. There is only one problem: He has one long, bushy eyebrow that grows above both eyes. It's very unattractive. I have tried dropping hints about how quick and easy waxing and plucking can be. It does no good.
What can I do, short of attacking him with a tweezer while he's asleep? -- SPLITTING HAIRS, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR SPLITTING: Stop hinting and tell him that many hairy, masculine men have their eyebrows shaped. Also, consider presenting him a gift certificate for a day at a spa for a hair cut, manicure, massage and facial. If you do, he'll be so "mellowed out" he won't protest the wax job.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)