Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Funerals Are About Good Feelings, Not Good Clothes
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Marie in Grand Prairie, Texas," who was shocked at some of the attire and lack of respect shown at a funeral she attended. She sent a list of do's and don'ts regarding funeral etiquette.
My mother passed away recently. Shy and homebound, she knew very few people. My siblings and I expected less than 25 attendees at her funeral. We were stunned to see triple that number gathered for Mom's service. Some were family members, but most of them were our friends, many of whom had never met Mom. Some wore dresses and suits; others wore jeans.
I wouldn't have cared if they had come in their bathrobes. These wonderful people put their lives on hold to come and tell me they cared about me and were sorry about the loss of my mother.
Your response to Marie was right on target. It's not about what people wear; it's what's in their hearts that counts. -– MOM'S DAUGHTER, ROCKWALL, TEXAS
DEAR DAUGHTER: Many people wrote to comment on Marie's letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Bravo for your response to Marie regarding "proper and acceptable" funeral behavior. When we buried my Herb, I violated the "hug and acknowledgment" rule she listed. As relatives, friends and acquaintances (well over 200) filed by his American flag-draped coffin, I hugged each and every one -– a spontaneous reaction.
There should be no hard-and-fast "rules." Herb would have deplored a regimented service. The entire group even joined in singing John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads" during the service. More than a year later, I still receive compliments about his wonderful send-off. -– "HUGGING SUE," LEMOORE, CALIF.
DEAR HUGGING SUE: Your husband's funeral was a "love-in" at the time you needed it most. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago my best friend "Sara" (who was 13 at the time) suffered a major tragedy. Her father, a long-haired biker in his mid-30s, died.
When we arrived for the funeral, we were shocked to see most of the adults wearing blue jeans and cut-off shirts. Her father had been dressed in blue jeans, his favorite Harley shirt and a leather jacket. His friends left mementos (like a remote control) in his coffin and cheerfully chatted about the good times. There were few tears.
At first I thought it was improper. I have since changed my mind. I now know that's exactly how her dad would have wanted it. He wanted to go out with a bang –- and he sure did! –- ALLIE IN ST. CHARLES, MO.
DEAR ALLIE: More power to him. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Hugs and acknowledgments can be given anytime, anyplace. After the viewing, prior to my husband's service, a mother held out her baby, who took my finger in her fist. I knew then that, yes, life does go on.
Every person in attendance took away a little bit of my pain. I couldn't begin to tell you what they were wearing. –- CENTRAL NEBRASKA READER
DEAR READER: I understand. A woman named Patricia in Cincinnati related that she wore a bright green dress for her husband's funeral. A few days before his sudden death he had admired it on display and said it would look even better on her. She wore it knowing his spirit was with her, whispering, "You made the right choice!" And, indeed, she did if it brought her comfort.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER'S CONFESSION OF AFFAIR WEIGHS ON GIRL'S CONSCIENCE
DEAR ABBY: Recently when I dropped by my sister "Judith's" home for a visit, I found my 13-year-old niece, "Libby," curled in a fetal position on the sofa. Her face was red and wet from tears. After half an hour of coaxing, she confided what caused her to be distraught.
Libby had confronted Judith that morning with suspicions that her mother was having an affair. Not only did Judith confirm her daughter's suspicions, she informed Libby that the affair had been going on for several years and was nowhere near finished. Then my sister swore Libby to silence. Libby said Judith was not only not sorry, but she was proud of what she was doing.
I held Libby for the next two hours while she poured out her sorrows. Then she asked me what she should do. Abby, I didn't know what to say. I've always lived by the "mind your own business" dictate, but I'm not so sure about it now.
I don't doubt Libby's story. I know of two other affairs my sister has had. What upsets me is Judith's lack of good sense. Tell me, what kind of mother proudly confirms her affair and then forces her 13-year-old daughter to keep the secret from her father? -- MY HEAD IS SPINNING
DEAR MY HEAD IS SPINNING: A very shortsighted, cruel and unrealistic one.
Stay close to your niece. She needs someone to talk to. Tell your sister you know about her affair. Suggest she and her husband go to marriage counseling -- or else you will have to tell him for the sake of your niece's emotional health. Whatever the outcome, this is an unfortunate and traumatic event in your niece's life. She will need counseling.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "No Name, No City, No Hope, No Life," who remained in an abusive marriage "for the sake of the children." She said she'd leave when the children were grown, but now her husband has health problems and she has responsibilities.
Abby, this woman is only middle-aged. I was 72 when I left a miserable 45-year marriage. My message to her:
You say you have "responsibilities." What responsibilities? To him? Get out! Don't look back! I love being free! Abby is right. It is never too late until you are dead. I love living alone. -- FREE AT LAST IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR FREE AT LAST: Bless you for writing. Your letter may be just the push that others need to reclaim their lives and self-respect.
DEAR ABBY: I am wildly in love with a wonderful man. We have been seeing each other for two years. There is only one problem: He has one long, bushy eyebrow that grows above both eyes. It's very unattractive. I have tried dropping hints about how quick and easy waxing and plucking can be. It does no good.
What can I do, short of attacking him with a tweezer while he's asleep? -- SPLITTING HAIRS, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR SPLITTING: Stop hinting and tell him that many hairy, masculine men have their eyebrows shaped. Also, consider presenting him a gift certificate for a day at a spa for a hair cut, manicure, massage and facial. If you do, he'll be so "mellowed out" he won't protest the wax job.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Finds It Hard to Stomach Her Daughter's Taste in Boys
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Kristen," is almost 17. She's always been a good kid -- keeps her grades up and makes the honor roll regularly. She's never been a problem.
What worries me is Kristen's choice of boyfriends. I know parents are not supposed to like the boys their daughters date, but it's worse than that. The guy she is going with is so far below the standards her dad and I have set for her, it terrifies me.
This boy is only 16, but has dropped out of school and comes from a family that has nothing, including pride. Their house is filthy and falling apart. Frankly, I am embarrassed their name is associated with ours in this small town.
How can we get our daughter to understand she is playing with fire by associating with this guy? Should I forbid her to see him, or would that backfire? Don't tell me to have a heart-to-heart talk with her, Abby; she knows all too well how I feel. -- SCARED FOR OUR GIRL
DEAR SCARED: Don't judge the boy by his family. Unless he's into drugs, alcohol or violence, do not "forbid" your daughter to see him. It will only make him more attractive if he's off limits.
A more effective way to handle this might be to take an interest in the young man. Include him in family activities, and let him learn about your lifestyle and standards. Encourage him to go back to school. Your example could show him the advantage of completing his education. In fact, your family could be the best thing that ever happened to him.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Frightened Mom in Arizona" is sure to generate a huge response. My mouth literally dropped open upon reading what happened to her little boy at the day-care center.
Your response regarding reporting the incident to the police immediately was right on. However, adding that you have received letters from day-care providers complaining that parents pick up their children late was a big NO-NO.
Parents are frequently caught in traffic, bad weather, late meetings, etc. In these instances, parents should call the day-care center or provider and notify them he/she is running late and is en route, or if necessary, should arrange for someone else to pick up the child, if possible. We don't know the reason why "Mom" was late, but you almost made it sound as though if the parent was late, it was her fault if something happened to the child.
A responsible day-care supervisor would never let an employee's boyfriend or girlfriend supervise a child. Which brings me to my next point: Children should be informed that no one is to touch or look at their "private parts" ever in a day-care or baby-sitting setting. Parents need to let children know what is permissible and what is not.
My heart goes out to "Frightened Mom," and I will pray for her son. -- MOM IN SAGAMORE HILLS, OHIO
DEAR MOM: I received a stack of mail from readers who were offended that I wrote, "Let this be a warning." They felt I was blaming the mother for her son's possible abuse.
Perhaps I should have been more clear: It was intended as a warning to parents to have an emergency plan in place in case they are detained, so they know who will be responsible for their child until they arrive. Also, it is mandatory that the day-care center be licensed and that all personnel have passed background checks.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)