Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Young Servicemen Paid a Price for Cheap Cigarettes During War
DEAR ABBY: In 1941, when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, I was a 17-year-old seaman on a destroyer in the North Atlantic. There were several other teen-agers on board. We all smoked, as did the rest of the crew. Cigarettes were 6 cents a pack. At that price, the saying was, we couldn't afford NOT to smoke.
We happily discussed the merits of Lucky Strikes, Camels and Chesterfields. Old Golds and Pall Malls were not as popular; Kools were for sissies. None of us realized that all the brands we smoked contained the same poisonous, addictive substances. People who didn't smoke were considered odd. If they didn't like to be around smokers, THEY were the ones with the problem.
It wasn't until years later that I realized the purpose of selling cigarettes so cheaply to servicemen was to get our generation hooked for the profit of tobacco companies. My addiction lasted until after I was married and had small children. Fortunately, I realized in time that if I was going to live to see them grow up, I was going to have to kick the habit -- and by the grace of God I was able to.
Why am I writing this? Because two of my grandsons have succumbed to the slick advertising and lies of the tobacco companies in spite of warnings from those who love them most. I pray they'll realize the self-destructiveness of the habit before they're as old as I was when I knew I had to quit in order to live.
Keep up the good work, Abby, and God bless. -- LEON J. SIMS, DORAVILLE, GA.
DEAR LEON: If your grandsons refuse to listen to you, perhaps they can learn from the letter that follows. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have asked my wife, Martha, to send this to you immediately upon my death. I want teen-agers to know I died from a self-inflicted disease -- smoking.
Back in the 1940s, a majority of Americans smoked. It was the ADULT thing to do. I "knew" I wouldn't get hooked. We knew smoking wasn't good for us, but we were willing to take our chances. We called cigarettes "coffin nails" and laughed as we lit up.
Years later, I was diagnosed with emphysema. My heart was weakened because it had enlarged, trying to pump blood into lungs that could no longer expand. I had to stop smoking or die an early death from a heart attack, stroke, cancer or slow suffocation. "No sweat," I thought. "I can quit anytime." How wrong I was.
I spent more than $1,000 on smoking-cessation programs. I tried acupuncture, hypnosis, gum, patches, pills and cold turkey. Nothing worked. I was addicted, dying and couldn't quit.
You say you want "freedom"? How free are you when you want to go dancing or hiking but can't because your nose is hooked to plastic tubing attached to an oxygen tank 24 hours a day, just so you can breathe?
I could have had 20 more years of active, healthy, productive life. I could have bought a new car with the thousands I spent on cigarettes, doctors and oxygen equipment. I could have had more happy years with my loving wife. I chose to smoke instead.
Abby, I wish I had listened to my dad. He once told me, "Graveyards are filled with people who said, 'It won't happen to me.'" -- BERT HUDSON, SAND COULEE, MONT.
DEAR READERS: Bert Hudson died on March 11. My deepest sympathy goes out to his widow, Martha, as well as my thanks for forwarding her husband's letter. I'm honored to print it. I pray it has an impact. The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2001, 172,000 cancer deaths will be attributable to tobacco use.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOST RAPISTS KNOW THEIR VICTIMS, SO BE CAREFUL WHOM YOU TRUST
DEAR ABBY: I dated a childhood friend for five years, and I felt very safe with him. However, last December, he drugged my wine and raped me. I am 24 years old and would have been careful around someone I didn't know so well, but I never suspected anyone I knew would do such a horrible thing.
His mother still refuses to believe he raped me. Rather than doubt that a son could do such a thing, a parent should encourage the young man to get counseling. Rape is not a harmless "boys will be boys" game -- it is violence.
There are two things I would like to say. To other women: Be very careful of whom you are alone with no matter how well you think you know the man, and watch your drink at all times.
To friends and parents of the rapist: When a woman says she has been raped, please believe her. Most women will not put themselves through the painful experience of telling people they have been raped unless it is true.
Abby, I don't blame myself for what happened, but I wish I had been more aware and less trusting. -- SURVIVOR IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR SURVIVOR: Having known the man since childhood, there was no reason not to trust him. You could not have foreseen that he would criminally violate you. According to studies cited by Gail Abarbanel, president of The Rape Foundation in Santa Monica, Calif., 80 percent of rapes are committed by someone the woman knows. Although acquaintance rape is often questioned, women MUST report such crimes to the authorities. A woman has a right to say no to sex, and when a man denies her the right to say no by slipping her drugs or forcing her, he is committing a criminal act. If the victim doesn't report him, he will be free to rape again.
I urge you to report your childhood friend's crime to the authorities to stop him from violating another woman as he did you.
DEAR ABBY: I am disturbed by the way some people categorize others. I will use myself as an example.
I have eight piercings in one ear -- none in the other -- and a tongue ring. (I also have a couple of tattoos, but they are not visible.) Right away, people put me in the "freak" category. What they do not know is that I am the mother of a beautiful 5-month-old girl. I am totally responsible for her and work very hard to give her a "normal" life without a father.
I need a job, and when I am on interviews, everything goes great until they notice my tongue ring. Then the interviewer's attitude changes completely.
People have different ways of showing their individualism, Abby. For some, it's through art, clothes, hairstyles, etc. I won't say I never "judge a book by its cover," but I try not to. I wish employers would take the time to get to know people before they judge them. -- OUT-OF-WORK MOM
DEAR OUT-OF-WORK: First impressions do count. Most employers are conservative and expect a certain amount of conformity from prospective employees. Before your next interview, remove the tongue ring. In time -- once you've proven yourself to be a valuable employee -- perhaps you can start revealing more of your individualism in stages. Good luck.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: In your reply to "Worried Neighbor," you asked that the couple who found the neighbor peeping not tell his wife. As the wife of a Peeping Tom, let me tell you the kindest thing they could do would be to tell her. This behavior becomes riskier and riskier in order to achieve the same thrill. With therapy, the couple may be able to salvage their marriage and his self-respect. But, like all addictions, only when he reaches bottom will he get the help he needs. Please reconsider and suggest that they tell the wife.
Please do not reveal my name or location. It has been 15 years since my husband acted out, and our children are unaware of his past. -- BEEN THERE
DEAR BEEN THERE: I advised the neighbor to inform the woman who was being victimized as well as the police -- but not the wife -- out of concern that the wife would go into denial if she heard it from a neighbor. I felt she would have more difficulty denying it if she heard it from the police. Please read on:
DEAR ABBY: My letter is in response to the one in your column about the Peeping Tom. Your advice was 100 percent correct. My first husband was a Peeping Tom. If someone had told me about my husband, I wouldn't have believed him or her and probably would have gotten angry with that person.
My husband was well thought of, and you can't imagine that someone you love and admire would be capable of doing something like that. He lied so convincingly about why he was late -- and even when he was eventually arrested -- I not only believed him, but most people other than the police did too.
Abby, Peeping Toms do not get over it. They just get worse. They think there is nothing wrong with them.
We were trying to have another baby when he was arrested the first time. Naturally we put it off until the trial was over. Can you believe he was only fined for trespassing? The witnesses were a policeman and a minister, but the jury believed my husband. He explained it away.
My husband was arrested three times in our 12-year marriage for peeping. I finally had to face facts. When I did, I had a nervous breakdown.
He married again, molested his stepdaughters and was sent to prison. He could have gotten out on probation after he served a couple of years if he had agreed to have therapy. He chose to stay in prison rather than seek help because he insisted there wasn't anything wrong with him.
If you print this, please do not use my name. It has been 25 years since I left him, but I remember the shame and disbelief as if it were yesterday. Even today some people think it was all a mistake. -- TRUSTING WIFE IN TEXAS
DEAR TRUSTING WIFE: Thank you for relating your personal experience. Others can learn from it. The problem with getting hooked on danger -- and this can apply to things other than peeping -- is that increasingly stronger doses are required to satisfy the addict.
P.S. I was curious about where the term "Peeping Tom" originated. According to the Webster's Deluxe Encyclopedic Edition of the English Language, it originated in the 11th century. When Lady Godiva rode naked through the streets of Coventry on a dare from her husband, Leofric, Earl of Mercia, to obtain a reduction in taxes, everyone averted their eyes from the lady except for one man named Tom, who became the first "Peeping Tom."
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)