What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Caregiver Stretched Too Thin Must Give Herself a Break
DEAR ABBY: I was disturbed to read the letter from "Exhausted and Angry," who is single-handedly raising her two children, working a 40-hour week, caring for her bedridden mother, and is now faced with demands to care for her obnoxious "Aunt Stella."
For nearly 15 years I was in a similar situation. I cared for my disabled parents, a disabled husband, raised my son and worked 40 hours a week. I say from experience that it will ruin "Exhausted's" health to live under so much constant stress. No matter how much you love someone, it is an absolutely crushing responsibility that will destroy not only her, but also her children. She owes herself and her children first consideration.
Nobody wants to go to a nursing home, but I was left with no alternative, and the relief was phenomenal. I wish I had done it sooner.
An admission to a nursing home is based on the patient's ability to pay –- not the caregiver's. "Exhausted" shouldn't have to impoverish herself. I hope she doesn't feel total responsibility for this aunt. She will be around longer to raise her children and have some peace of mind if she doesn't try to do it all. –- BEEN THERE AND SUFFERED FOR IT
DEAR BEEN THERE: You have written a valuable letter. While spouses must pay for each other's care, extended family –- including children –- are not legally obligated to bear these expenses. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a director of an area agency on aging in Indiana, I empathize with the woman who signed her letter "Exhausted and Angry." Her ill mother asked her to also care for her difficult and surly aunt. She was desperate for ideas on where to find help and alternatives, and you suggested she contact her state or local agency on aging for assistance.
I want to share a nationwide toll-free phone number that might be of help during her search: Elder Care Locator, 1-800-677-1116.
Many people who find themselves in similar situations may benefit from this information. -– ANNE N. JACOBY, AREA 13 AGENCY ON AGING, VINCENNES, IND.
DEAR ANNE: With the aging population surviving longer than ever before, elder care needs are growing by leaps and bounds. The Elder Care Locator 800-number is a wonderful service. Thank you for sharing a valuable resource.
DEAR ABBY: My neighbor told me she had six people staying in her tiny one-bedroom apartment. She asked if one of her friends could stay in my spare room. She said he had plane reservations to return home in a couple of days, so I agreed.
My problem is this "friend" has been smoking in my non-smoking home, eating all my food, making long-distance calls on my telephone, "getting it on" in my spare bed -– and so far, has missed three flights home.
I've always been friendly with my neighbor, but I want her friend out of my apartment –- now. Have you any ideas? –- FEELING USED IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR FEELING USED: Your "guest" has taken flagrant advantage of your act of charity. If you want your privacy back, put some starch in your spine and tell him he's worn out the welcome mat -– it's time to go and you want him out in 12 hours. Stick to your guns and accept no excuses. "Help" him pack if necessary. Don't let him make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself. It's uncanny how freeloaders like your "friend" manage to survive.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Young Prisoner in Real Jail Tells Teen to Count Blessings
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday was my 20th birthday. Aren't birthdays supposed to be happy occasions? Well, if you're in jail and on your way to prison like me, maybe not.
"Prisoner in Reno, Nev." thinks she's got it bad at home because her parents won't let her out much. She should remember this: There is always someone who has it worse than she has. Her parents are overprotective because they love her. Even though I'm locked up, my parents still care for me. They're worried sick.
Let me ask you this, "Prisoner" -– do your parents search you before and after you leave your room? Do they make you eat nasty food you wouldn't give your worst enemy? Do they routinely search your room? What I'm trying to say is, count your blessings.
You ended your letter by asking, "What should I do?" Well, I'm on a one-way trip down a road that leads nowhere. Now tell me, what should I do? –- INMATE ON A DEAD END
DEAR INMATE: I don't know what you did to receive a prison sentence, but it's possible that you should feel lucky to be alive.
Since you asked what you should do, I strongly suggest you follow all prison rules to the letter, do not believe everything you hear from the other inmates, and take any classes that are offered to improve yourself.
Even under these difficult circumstances, you still have control over how "happy" your future birthdays can be.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a beautiful 3-year-old daughter I'll call Bonnie. She's the result of artificial insemination, as my husband is unable to father a child. Our little girl is our pride and joy.
We cannot decide if or how to tell Bonnie that my husband is not her biological father. Is it necessary to tell her at all, and if so, when and how? My fear is that Bonnie will reject her dad if she finds out.
I am assuming there would be no health-related need for our daughter to know, as semen donors are supposed to be screened for inherited diseases, but I guess you never
know.
My feminine intuition tells me we should tell her the truth. I know there must be a lot of parents out there who have dealt with this issue -– or will face it in the future. I would appreciate any input I can get.
Please don't use my name. Very few people know that my husband did not father our daughter. Just sign me ... FLORIDA MOM
DEAR FLORIDA MOM: My feminine intuition –- and common sense -– tells me that your daughter should be told. You stated that "very few people know the truth." When more than two people know a secret, it's usually no longer a secret. It's better that she hear it from you and your husband.
Your daughter should be told when she is old enough to understand the mechanics and all of the implications of artificial insemination –- including the pain and frustration of wanting your own child and being unable to have one.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lunch With Female Employee Presents No Cause for Alarm
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's inappropriate to ask an 18-year-old, part-time female employee to go to lunch with two other men? I'm 36, happily married and have a son. The other men are also happily married. One of them has two kids. It was an innocent lunch at a fast-food joint.
My female manager had a problem with it. She told all three of us never to ask her again. The girl is still in high school and works in the afternoons after class. She has worked with us for six months. She happened to work the full day when we asked her to come with us. There were no other female employees included.
I feel we did nothing wrong, but I'd like your opinion. -- WONDERING IN MOUNT LAUREL, N.J.
DEAR WONDERING: From my perspective, it was thoughtful of you to ask the young lady to lunch. However, I'm not an expert in labor law, so I consulted a prominent Los Angeles labor lawyer, Ann Kane Smith. Here's what she had to say:
"That situation is a catch-22 for both men and women. Men complain they are wrongfully accused of sexual harassment in the workplace -- and women complain they are left out of the 'old boys' network.'
"I don't have all of the facts, but the female supervisor may be maternal and overreacting. The situation will resolve itself when the girl graduates from high school and either goes off to college or joins the work force full time.
"There is nothing wrong with colleagues or co-workers of any age and either sex having lunch together, as long as everyone behaves appropriately."
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary by hosting a catered dinner for about 100 friends. We arranged music and all that goes with such a grand occasion.
One couple arrived carrying a birthday cake and candles because the husband wanted everyone to know it was his wife's birthday. Abby, they never once spoke to us or acknowledged our occasion. They ignored us during the entire party, but the husband kept whispering to the caterer.
While we were waiting for dessert to be served, he lit the candles on the birthday cake and began serving it to guests seated nearby. Then I saw him again talking to the caterer. He said, "If you won't, then I will!" With that, he went to the musicians, stopped the music, and asked everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to his wife.
At the end of the evening, the husband came over with a slice of leftover cake thrown on a plate and said, "Whoever wants to eat it can." With that, they left.
I was told the wife had a gift for us and would bring it to our home the next day. It's been six months, and we still haven't seen or heard from them.
Many of our guests felt they were rude. We feel we were badly treated. What do you think? -- PUZZLED IN FLORIDA
DEAR PUZZLED: I, too, think you were used. By bringing a birthday cake to your celebration and distracting attention from you and your husband without permission, in a sense they hijacked your party. It took a lot of gall. I wouldn't blame you if you crossed them off your guest list permanently.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)