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Lunch With Female Employee Presents No Cause for Alarm
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's inappropriate to ask an 18-year-old, part-time female employee to go to lunch with two other men? I'm 36, happily married and have a son. The other men are also happily married. One of them has two kids. It was an innocent lunch at a fast-food joint.
My female manager had a problem with it. She told all three of us never to ask her again. The girl is still in high school and works in the afternoons after class. She has worked with us for six months. She happened to work the full day when we asked her to come with us. There were no other female employees included.
I feel we did nothing wrong, but I'd like your opinion. -- WONDERING IN MOUNT LAUREL, N.J.
DEAR WONDERING: From my perspective, it was thoughtful of you to ask the young lady to lunch. However, I'm not an expert in labor law, so I consulted a prominent Los Angeles labor lawyer, Ann Kane Smith. Here's what she had to say:
"That situation is a catch-22 for both men and women. Men complain they are wrongfully accused of sexual harassment in the workplace -- and women complain they are left out of the 'old boys' network.'
"I don't have all of the facts, but the female supervisor may be maternal and overreacting. The situation will resolve itself when the girl graduates from high school and either goes off to college or joins the work force full time.
"There is nothing wrong with colleagues or co-workers of any age and either sex having lunch together, as long as everyone behaves appropriately."
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary by hosting a catered dinner for about 100 friends. We arranged music and all that goes with such a grand occasion.
One couple arrived carrying a birthday cake and candles because the husband wanted everyone to know it was his wife's birthday. Abby, they never once spoke to us or acknowledged our occasion. They ignored us during the entire party, but the husband kept whispering to the caterer.
While we were waiting for dessert to be served, he lit the candles on the birthday cake and began serving it to guests seated nearby. Then I saw him again talking to the caterer. He said, "If you won't, then I will!" With that, he went to the musicians, stopped the music, and asked everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to his wife.
At the end of the evening, the husband came over with a slice of leftover cake thrown on a plate and said, "Whoever wants to eat it can." With that, they left.
I was told the wife had a gift for us and would bring it to our home the next day. It's been six months, and we still haven't seen or heard from them.
Many of our guests felt they were rude. We feel we were badly treated. What do you think? -- PUZZLED IN FLORIDA
DEAR PUZZLED: I, too, think you were used. By bringing a birthday cake to your celebration and distracting attention from you and your husband without permission, in a sense they hijacked your party. It took a lot of gall. I wouldn't blame you if you crossed them off your guest list permanently.
Volunteers at Crisis Lines Give of Their Time and Themselves
DEAR ABBY: You are a champion of the unsung hero, and I would like to bring to your attention the wonderful people who work the crisis telephone lines. Those selfless men and women provide an ear to those who think no one is listening, a word of praise to depressed callers, or sometimes just a shoulder to cry on. They give of their own time to listen without judging, and provide emergency referrals when necessary. Those caring individuals deserve far more praise than mere words can convey.
Please, Abby, thank them for me and all of the others who have been uplifted or saved by them. They have saved my life more than once. -- GRATEFUL CALLER IN FLORIDA
DEAR GRATEFUL: With extended families so widely dispersed these days that they barely know one another, crisis lines are often the only lifeline for those in distress. We should all be thankful for the generous, compassionate people who give of themselves to those in desperate need of help or someone to talk to. Bless them for the vital work they do.
DEAR ABBY: In regard to the letter from "Country Gal From Sacramento," who wrote about children wearing name tags while visiting a petting zoo, I submit this scenario:
One summer several neighborhood moms and I decided to take our children to Grant's Farm, a beautiful game preserve here in St. Louis. We wound up with four moms and 10 kids.
I had just finished sewing a brightly colored, striped sundress, so I wore it that day and gave each child a square of my dress fabric, which we safety-pinned to their shirts. You had better believe everyone could see immediately who those kids belonged to.
We had enjoyed the park for about an hour when an employee walked my 6-year-old up to me and said, "I believe he belongs to you." Abby, I hadn't even realized he was missing! But the incident had a happy ending, thanks to my method of keeping tabs on the kids. -- LOST AND FOUND MOM
DEAR MOM: Your solution was unique. As I stated in my original reply, the idea of small children walking around public places wearing name tags makes me uneasy.
P.S. Another reader suggested that when teachers take students on field trips, the teacher's name should be placed on the name tag, or the number of the bus that provided the transportation.
DEAR ABBY: I had a thought after reading the letter from "Feeling Alone in the Office." He complained about his co-worker, "Maury," who can't seem to stop talking to his office mates and customers. It is possible that Maury is an adult with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). If he has ADHD, it would explain why he has trouble controlling his behavior.
If "Feeling Alone" works for a company with medical benefits or an employee assistance plan, perhaps Maury could be evaluated and get some real help. -- PARENT OF A CHILD WITH ADHD
DEAR PARENT: That the man could be an adult with ADHD never occurred to me. It is also possible that he is simply a compulsive talker. Whatever the cause, I agree it wouldn't hurt for him to be evaluated, if he is open to it.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Aunt's Private Eye Scheming Could End Up in Public Eye
DEAR ABBY: I recently visited my "Aunt Selma" in North Carolina. I used to consider her a wonderful person until I found out what she has been up to.
One of Aunt Selma's neighbors pays her to follow her husband and a neighbor lady. (I'll call her Nona.) The wife thinks that Nona and her husband are having an affair. My aunt follows them occasionally, and afterward she calls the man's wife and lies to her. She makes up things she thinks the wife wants to hear.
When I asked Aunt Selma why she does this, she said she isn't going to give up good money to tell this woman the truth -- that there's nothing between the husband and the neighbor!
I used to think Aunt Selma was a respectable person. Now I see her as a money-grubber. She constantly lies to this woman about things her husband and Nona are doing, when in fact Nona is in the house alone watching television.
I have a feeling Aunt Selma is going to get hurt one day for making up all those stories about the husband and her neighbor.
I know the people involved. Should I tell them what's going on? -- STEAMED NIECE IN THE SOUTH
DEAR STEAMED: I think you should. It could go a long way toward healing a troubled marriage.
When Aunt Selma's vicious money-making scheme comes to an end, suggest that she devote her spare time to taking a creative writing class. With her imagination, she could earn a legitimate living writing romance novels. (Shame on her!)
DEAR ABBY: Would you please put out the word to insensitive people that just because you reach a certain age, it doesn't mean you have to retire? My husband enjoys his job, but is always hounded about when he's going to retire. Because people are 64 or 65 doesn't mean they have to sit down and do nothing. I consider it an insult to be constantly asked when we're going to stop. It's as if they are saying we are old.
I know too many people who sit around waiting to die. Just because a time was set, years ago, for drawing Social Security, that's no reason people have to stop doing what they enjoy. I don't understand why people ask such personal questions. It's a real turn-off. It's as if they're implying that we haven't wisely managed our finances, planned ahead or invested wisely -- which we have. We are active people, younger than our age in many ways.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I'd be grateful if you would print this for the world to see. -- OFFENDED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR OFFENDED: You're welcome.
Those who assume that folks in their mid-60s who continue working do so because it's necessary may be not only barking up the wrong tree, but also relying on outdated information. In recognition of the fact that our population is living longer and in better health than a generation ago, there are now financial incentives for people to remain in the workplace until age 70. Also, it shouldn't be lost on anyone that people who are successful in their careers and enjoy what they are doing are often unwilling to "hang it up" simply because they've reached a "magic number."
When people tell me they are planning to retire, my first question is always, "Retire to what?" It's vital to stay mentally and physically active -- or old age WILL set in! That's why I have always considered "retirement" a dirty word.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)