Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Boy's Jealousy of Little Sister Could Grow Into Big Problem
DEAR ABBY: In all of my 50 years, this is the first time I have felt compelled to write. It's about your response to "No Vacancy in Indiana," the mother whose 15-year-old son went to live with his father but wanted to keep his old bedroom. Your response was right on, but it didn't go far enough. That boy needs professional help in dealing with his jealousy of the 5-year-old sister from the second marriage. If his feelings remain untreated, it will poison all his future relationships.
How do I know? I just got out of treatment for jealousy -- not my own, my sister's. She has told me throughout my life that the worst thing that ever happened to her was the birth of my twin brother and me. I beat myself up for years trying to have a relationship with my sister, but with professional help, I have realized that it will never be and have let it go.
Jealousy, once established, has a way of coloring all the other relationships the sufferer has. If the young man gets counseling to work through his jealousy, he might yet be able to establish a healthy relationship with his family and others in the future. -- FINALLY FREE IN MONTANA
DEAR FINALLY FREE: Although a certain amount of sibling rivalry is normal, I agree that the young man could benefit from counseling to come to terms with his jealousy. And by the way, some people felt I was far too lenient in my answer to that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer was way off base. If that boy is old enough to leave, he should also be old enough to accept the consequences of his decision. He just wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
The room should be given to his sister. He forfeited his right to it when he left. If the son decides to return home, let him have his sister's tiny room. The world does not revolve around him. -- FAITHFUL SIOUX CITY READER
DEAR FAITHFUL: While I'm all for teaching children to make responsible choices, a wise parent is careful about being overly punitive. It would be easy to react in anger to the son's behavior; however, the mother who wrote was obviously uneasy about making a snap decision. Although the 5-year-old's room might seem cramped to an adult, it probably doesn't seem so to the little girl, and won't for a few years. I see no harm in waiting a few months before reassigning the room. Young people sometimes make hasty decisions they later regret. They don't need to be punished for it daily, as long as they're under the parents' roof. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, I married a widower with three children and brought into the marriage my youngest son, age 15, the survivor of a very bad home life. We were all short of space, but somehow I had sense enough to keep a separate bedroom for my son.
When he left for college, he asked, "Who gets my room?" I replied, "No one. It's always yours."
A year later, he let me know how emotionally strong my answer had kept him. He knew he had "a place" in our home and in our hearts.
Today he is a dean of students at a great college and mentors young people. The 15-year-old NEEDS the larger room -- the 5-year-old doesn't. -- CHARLOTTE IN MILFORD, DEL.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Booklet Helps Patients Take Charge of Their Treatment
DEAR ABBY: Receiving a diagnosis of a serious medical condition can be confusing and overwhelming. Because there is more than one "right" treatment for many medical conditions, it is important that patients gather information so they can work with doctors and other providers to map out which course of treatment to follow. While most people want more information, many do not know where to find information that's based on the best scientific research.
A reliable resource is now available free of charge -- a booklet titled, "Now You Have a Diagnosis: What's Next?" It is the result of a partnership between the Federal Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ) and the Kanter Family Foundation. It explains how to find important information and how to use that information in evaluating the risks and benefits of various treatments.
This valuable resource could help your readers to locate the vital information they need to make wise decisions. Personal copies can be obtained by calling AHRQ's toll-free number: 1-800-358-9295, TDD 1-888-586-6340, or visiting the Web site: www.AHRQ.gov. -- ELLEN M. McGOVERN, PUBLIC RELATIONS AND MARKETING, DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES
DEAR ELLEN: Thank you for the helpful information. While no one looks forward to getting bad news about a serious illness, having a weapon in one's arsenal like the booklet you describe can be both a comfort and an empowering tool in fighting the disease.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-50s and recently married a wonderful man after dating him for four years. He is a widower. Years ago, he purchased a gravesite marker with his name and birthdate, as well as his late wife's name and dates, and "Together Forever" inscribed on it. I should mention that they were married for 25 years and had a child together.
In preplanning my own funeral, we have decided that I will be cremated and my urn will rest in his plot. I will have a marker of my own a little lower on the plot than his, right above my urn.
I'm considering having "The Rest of the Story" placed on my marker as a humorous comment. Plus, it makes me feel included in his life -- and death. Other sayings come to mind, but this one felt just right.
Do you or your readers have any suggestions as to how to handle the trio of bodies and marker sayings? I want to be with him forever, and I respect that his late wife felt the same way. Sign me ... LIFE IS JUST BEGINNING
DEAR JUST BEGINNING: You could also inscribe it, "... and Ever," or, "Hopefully, The Last Chapter," in case you predecease him. However, before investing in a marker with a humorous inscription, you'd be wise to see how your husband's "child" feels about it -- since that's the person who will probably be reading it.
DEAR ABBY: I am retired and contemplating writing a memoir of my family's history. There are many family secrets I can reveal, but some events are shameful.
Should I include only "good" memories in my memoir? -- GHOSTS IN THE CLOSET
DEAR GHOSTS: If you feel comfortable revealing your own transgressions, do so. Do not write about anything that might be hurtful to a living family member or one who has sensitive descendants.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: It seems every week I am reminded in some form or another that teachers are the least respected, least compensated, most noble persons in our country. Exalted by politicians and the media, they are consistently portrayed in a positive manner. I believe this is deserved. They have a tough job with great responsibility.
However, Abby, there are other professions just as noble. I am a registered nurse, and along with police officers and firefighters, we do not receive the respect that teachers do. We perform tasks that no one else would want to do. We see people at their worst and are often the target of other people's frustrations.
Nurses do not get summers off, and few of us are home on holidays. Hospitals must be staffed 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The pay is fair, but the work is extremely stressful. As health-care spending decreases, nurses are asked to do more and more. The rate of back injuries among nurses is well above the national average. Many nurses suffer from "burnout" each year and transfer to other professions.
Like doctors, nurses must have continuous training in order to stay up-to-date on the latest medical treatments and protocols.
At least once in our lives, every one of us can remember being helped by a nurse. Please, Abby, tell your readers that if they know a nurse, to give him or her a hug. Take the nurse to lunch and tell that person just how special he or she is. -- PROUD TO BE AN R.N.
DEAR PROUD: Thank you for reminding my readers -- and me -- how terrific and dedicated nurses are. I urge everyone to give nurses the attention and praise they deserve during National Nurses' Week, May 6-12, 2001, and EVERY day.
DEAR ABBY: I feel like I'm in a free fall. I'm unemployed and attending school to better myself. I'm living with a girl I care about, but she has a child, and I am at a point in my life where I'm still trying to discover what I want.
I don't want to hurt this child in any way, but I've found someone else I would like to spend time with. I don't want to deceive my girlfriend, but if I tell her about the other woman, she'll kick me out of her house and I'll have no place to live.
Abby, I need to find out where I want my life to go, but I also want to make the right choices. What should I do? -- FRED IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR FRED: First, get a part-time job. Second, start looking for your own place to live -- perhaps student housing. Third, level with the woman with whom you're living. The sooner you are out of there, the better it will be for everyone. To stay and pretend you are committed to her and her child when you're not is dishonest and deceitful.
DEAR ABBY: Here's one for your "Can you top this?" file. A friend planned a 50th birthday party for his wife. He hired a male stripper to "entertain" the guests.
His mother was terminally ill, but gave her approval for the party to take place whether she was alive or not. Shortly before the party, she died. The party took place before she was buried. The only change was that the guests were asked to wear black. -- WHADDAYA THINK IN SEATTLE?
DEAR WHADDAYA: Even the strippers?
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)