For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are the parents of two beautiful children, ages 6 and 7. My husband was divorced twice before we married. There were no children from my husband's prior marriages, and he has no contact with his former spouses.
I think we need to tell our children about his prior marriages in the next year or two, because his older nieces know about the divorces and could tell our children. My husband feels there's no need to tell the children unless they ask us directly.
Should we tell our children about the prior marriages, and if so, at what age? What can we say to them so that they won't be upset or feel insecure because of this family secret? Please advise. -- WHAT TO DO IN TENNESSEE
DEAR WHAT: Tell them now. Don't wait. When more than two people know a secret, it is no longer a secret. Since extended family members know about the prior marriages, the news should come from you and your husband rather than someone else. It would be wrong to keep this "open secret" from the children whom it will potentially affect the most. If they hear it from a relative, they may wonder how many other secrets have been kept from them. Don't worry about how to phrase it. Just say it took two strikes before Dad was able to hit a home run.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is for all those women who remain in loveless marriages "for the sake of the children" like I did. I wanted my children to have an intact family.
I said I would leave when my children were grown, but by then my husband had health problems, and I had responsibilities.
Intact family? That's a laugh. My children constantly fight among themselves and are disrespectful to me because that's how their father behaved.
Abby, I'm middle-aged and worn out. I wish I could divorce them all. If I had had the courage and common sense to leave when I was young enough to start over, I might now have some peace and tranquility. I gave away my life for nothing.
There isn't always a tomorrow. Sign me ... NO NAME, NO CITY, NO HOPE, NO LIFE
DEAR NO NO NO NO: If you're having a bad day, you have my sympathy. If you are being literal, and you still have your health, listen up! Being middle-aged isn't too late to make some therapeutic changes on your own behalf. It's not too late to find respite care for your husband while you take classes and sharpen the skills you'll need to make a life of your own and support yourself if necessary. Make one positive move on your own behalf, and I guarantee you'll make many others. It's only "too late" when you draw your last breath.
DEAR ABBY: I, too, am fed up with phone calls from telemarketers, so I wrote a poem and have used it several times. It has proven quite effective. After I recite the poem and the telemarketers become aware of my age, they hang up.
This is my poem:
"I have lived threescore and ten
"Paying bills that never end --
"I need no more bills to pay,
"So please hang up and --
"Have a nice day!"
Abby, it has worked so far. -- S.D.G., NEW ORLEANS
DEAR S.D.G.:
I am pleased it's worked for you.
But something else that you must do
Is have them take you off their list.
And if they argue -- you insist.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
LONELY TEEN-AGER CAN'T SEE HER LIFE WITHOUT EX-BOYFRIEND
DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old girl who has been with my boyfriend for two years. He recently broke up with me, and I'm devastated. He told me he did it because I deserve better, and he believes there's someone else out there who will make me happier. Those were his exact words.
Abby, he was everything to me -- my best friend, my lover. From the bottom of my heart, I know he was meant for me. He's the only man I can picture myself with.
I am really depressed. He doesn't even call anymore. How do I move on when I don't want to be without him? Please give me some advice. -- ALONE AND IN LOVE
DEAR ALONE: When a man (or woman) ends a relationship with the excuse that someone "deserves better," be grateful for the candor. He or she is probably right.
It's time to move on. Stop playing "your" song, put mementos out of sight and refuse to be a victim. Take a class, join a gym, spend time with your friends. Do not allow yourself the time to brood. Trust me, it works!
DEAR ABBY: My sister has three children, ages 7, 5 and 6 months. Her husband works nights and doesn't return home until morning.
In order to get some exercise, my sister walks in the morning. She leaves her kids alone in the house, and takes a baby monitor with her. She insists that she stays within sight of her house.
I don't want to tell my sister how to parent, but I feel this is a safety issue. She won't listen to her younger sister, but says she'll listen to you. Please, Abby, give her your opinion. -- CONCERNED SISTER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SISTER: I don't blame you for being concerned. Leaving children 7, 5 and 6 months old alone is negligence. If an emergency were to occur while she was away from the house, none of the children would be capable of dealing with it. The possibilities -- poisoning, choking, a fall -- are frightening.
Your sister needs to establish a weekly routine whereby someone can be there to tend her children while she de-stresses.
DEAR ABBY: I strongly disagree with your advice to "Lonely Husband in Oklahoma." You advised him to get a puppy for his stepdaughter so she would sleep in her own bed instead of her mother's bed.
Abby, a puppy is a lifelong commitment that should never be entered into as a solution for a family problem. Please don't recommend that a puppy be used as a kind of animated teddy bear. A puppy is a live animal that requires attention and care, and the girl is too young to take responsibility for that animal's emotional and physical welfare for the entire life of the dog.
When a child sleeps with a parent to the detriment of the parent's marriage, it is a red flag that the family dynamics are askew. Sometimes parents who are divorced or in a bad relationship use their children as a surrogate mate. Other times, children in a one-parent home feel powerful and secure sleeping with the parent and are loathe to surrender the power to a new husband they may perceive as an intruder. I recommend "Lonely Husband" and his wife get into a program of marriage counseling, and perhaps family counseling that includes the stepdaughter. -- SIDNEY LONG, NEWPORT, R.I.
DEAR SIDNEY: You are absolutely right. Mea culpa. (You're the cat's meow!)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pennies From Heaven Give Comfort to Many on Earth
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Daughter of a Frugal Mom," who received a birthday card from her mother containing a penny. Two years ago my father passed away, leaving his wallet with six pennies inside. There are six children in our family, and the conclusion we reached was that he left one for each of us.
When she heard about it, our aunt (Dad's sister) presented us with the following: "I am like a penny. Not a bad one, a very bright one. Remember, I'll always turn up wherever you find a penny anywhere. In the years to come, you'll pick one up and say, 'There's Dad!' In time you'll have a thousand reminders of how much you're loved."
Abby, countless times since that day, we have been reminded in the most unusual and spontaneous ways that our dad is still very much a part of our lives. -- KEEPING PENNIES IN MINNESOTA
DEAR KEEPING: What a charming and comforting story. That letter generated a flurry of mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather told me that when an angel misses you, he or she will toss a penny down to tell you so. I believe it.
Right after the start of the new millennium, I unexpectedly lost my life partner, Greg, from acute pancreatitis. He started feeling poorly on Jan. 2 and died a week later -- 18 days before what would have been our 20th anniversary.
Greg's mother passed on only four months earlier. As he and his sister were sorting through her belongings, they were surprised to find some pennies in a very unlikely place. His sister recalled how years before, their father -- long deceased -- would sing "Pennies From Heaven," so they took it as a sign that both of their parents were watching over them.
During the days that Greg was dying, I kept finding pennies in strange places. Once, in the parking lot, I looked down at what I thought was a shiny bracelet. It was six newly minted pennies lying in a perfect row -- one for his sister, her husband, three children and myself. I found one in the hospital corridor the day he died. It was in the center of a key chain someone had twisted into the shape of a heart.
I continue to find pennies often -- especially when I'm feeling blue. So, maybe the mother of "Daughter of a Frugal Mom" had a premonition. -- TERRY IN GILBERT, ARIZ.
DEAR TERRY: Perhaps. Please accept my sympathy for the unexpected loss of your life partner. What a bittersweet story. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The writer who inquired about the meaning of a penny her mother sent her before she died may not have gotten it "for luck."
It seems more likely that the seemingly insignificant token was a "penny for her thoughts," rather than the good luck charm you suggested.
My mother sent me such a penny during my busiest college days. I took the hint, and ever since have made sharing my busy adult life with her a top priority.
I hope "Daughter" didn't wait until it was too late to stop being frugal with the contact her mom wanted. -- LINDA'S DAUGHTER, TULSA, OKLA.
DEAR DAUGHTER: While that "hint" is a little too subtle for me, several other people also mentioned it. I'll leave it up to my readers to decide which explanation they prefer. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: During World War II, my mother sent a penny to each of my cousins who went off to fight. She put a notch in each penny on the theory that "a bad penny always returns." One cousin signed all his war mail, "Just a Bad Penny." Three of my cousins were wounded, but all the "bad pennies" returned. -- SID GOODMAN, PARAMUS, N.J.
DEAR SID: I hope they invested them. By now they should have added up to real money!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)