For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SHARING HIS ASHES SPREADS SON'S SPIRIT FAR AND WIDE
DEAR ABBY: The letter about a loved one's ashes touched me personally. Please accept one more letter on the subject.
Our 39-year-old son died a few years ago. Most of his ashes are buried in a veterans cemetery near his father.
My daughter wanted some of his ashes, and I have a little container of them on my shelf, along with a ceramic guardian angel.
We returned to our home state and, like the other mom, I scattered a few of his ashes on his beloved grandmother's grave. Then we went to the river where he loved to fish as a youngster, and I dropped some of the ashes along the river's edge. Abby, I'll never forget how they sparkled like diamonds as they settled to the bottom. We were amazed at the sight.
I was a bit conflicted about dividing the ashes, but after reading your columns and seeing those "diamonds" from my son, I knew it was OK. Thanks for letting me express my thoughts. -- HIS MOM IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR MOM: You're welcome. I have received some terrific letters on the subject. If other grieving families can gain comfort from your letter, it was worth the space in my column. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Driving was my father's greatest joy and source of pride. He founded, chaired and belonged to several local sports car clubs.
His wish upon his death was to donate every usable organ, including his brain, to Parkinson's disease research, then to be cremated.
His sister (my aunt) asked to bury his ashes on their parents' gravesite. Although I knew this would not be his preference, I agreed in order to bring her some comfort. But first, I spread a few of his ashes near every exotic and sports car dealership -- Ferrari, Mercedes-Benz, Alfa-Romeo, etc. -- in our area. I also keep a small vial of his ashes in my glove compartment. I'm nowhere near the driver he was, but at least he's still spending a fair amount of time on the road. -- HUB WHEELMAN'S DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: From your description of your father, he was also a driving force while he was alive. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my beloved wife died at a young age, I couldn't bring myself to have her placed in a box and dropped in a hole. We were truly free spirits. Our love developed while sky-diving. We were married in a hot-air balloon. She went on to receive her own pilot's license to fly balloons, and then broke a world's record.
Less than a year later, she died -- not from parachuting or ballooning, but from cancer.
I had her cremated and watched the process, for it was best for closure. Her ashes were divided in two -- one half released in front of our home off Marina Del Rey. The other half was released from her balloon in the high desert where she broke the record. Whenever I see the desert or the ocean, I see her, and she is smiling. -- GEORGE E., CARMEL BY THE SEA
DEAR GEORGE E.: I'm sure she's smiling because you did exactly what she wanted. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter about the widower who wore his wife's ashes in a vial around his neck while making love to his subsequent ladyfriend, my response was, "I wish I could be married to a man that devoted to me."
My female co-worker's response: "At that age, she should be glad she's getting sex. She should IGNORE the vial!" -- DEVOTED READER, ALTOONA, PA.
DEAR DEVOTED: Funn-ee! How little your co-worker knows about mature women -- I wonder if she'll still feel that way when she's a little older.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Those Suffering Mental Illness May Not Get Help They Need
DEAR ABBY: May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In recognition, public service announcements have aired on television and radio. One of every five people in America has a mental health problem. Every 17 minutes, another person will commit suicide. More than 70 percent of young people who suffer from mental illness do not receive the help they need.
As a nation, we have addressed the stigma associated with diseases like cancer and AIDS by expanding our knowledge. We must now apply that same knowledge and understanding to mental illness. To accomplish this, we must create a climate that not only encourages discussion about these issues, but one that also brings mental illness out of the closet and into the realm of physical illness. Science has shown that mental illness is as treatable as physical ailments, and in some cases, MORE treatable. Major depression is treatable in 85 percent of cases, while angioplasty -- a treatment for heart disease -- works only 41 percent of the time.
Before Mental Health Awareness Month ends, won't you please encourage children and parents to talk honestly about mental health and urge them to seek help if they have a mental health issue? By doing so, we can begin to remove barriers to treatment, eradicate stigma and shame, and ensure that more people get the help they need.
Our goal is to create understanding and awareness, and to convey the message that mental illness is no one's fault. Help is available. No one should be ashamed or afraid to reach out for it. Thank you, Dear Abby, for helping to spread the word. -- NANCY RUBIN, NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS CAMPAIGN
DEAR NANCY: I'm delighted to help. Mental health has long been an interest of mine. An area of particular concern today is undiagnosed emotional problems in younger people.
Feelings such as fear and anger are a normal part of life. Understanding mood changes and what triggers them is an important part of knowing who you are. Situations such as divorce in the family or strained relationships with relatives or friends cause emotional stress, making a person feel sad or blue. These feelings are NORMAL.
Certain experiences, thoughts and feelings, however, signal the presence of possible mental health problems or the need for professional help. Parents, doctors and teachers often don't recognize these signs and think of them as indications of their own inadequacy. Punitive behavior and isolation won't make the problem go away. It's important to recognize the following warning signs:
-- Finding little or no pleasure in life.
-- Feeling worthless or extremely guilty.
-- Crying a lot for no particular reason.
-- Withdrawing from others.
-- Severe anxiety, panic or fear.
-- Extreme mood swings.
-- Change in eating or sleeping habits.
-- Losing interest in hobbies and pleasurable activities.
-- Having very low energy.
-- Having too much energy, difficulty concentrating or following through on plans.
-- Feeling easily irritated or angry.
-- Racing thoughts or agitation.
-- Hearing voices or seeing images others do not.
-- Believing others are plotting against you.
-- Wanting to harm yourself or someone else.
It's not always easy to recognize or interpret these warning signs. Qualified mental health professionals should always be consulted to make an accurate diagnosis.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: As an otologist (ear physician), I am delighted to see the public's attention drawn to the problem of hearing loss, especially noise-induced hearing loss, which is entirely preventable. However, Nanette Fabray MacDougall's recent letter and your response perpetuated a popular myth: Brief exposure to loud sound is damaging to people's hearing.
Risk to hearing is based not only on how loud the sound is, but also on HOW LONG you're exposed. The 90-decibel figure she cited is the limit set by the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration based on the assumption of a workplace exposure that lasts eight hours a day, five days a week, 52 weeks a year, for 40 years.
Exposure to rock concerts and dance clubs is certainly hazardous to the musicians and other employees who work in that environment day in and day out -- and frequent exposure would be bad for anyone who has a noisy job or hobby -- but for the rest of us, occasional exposure is harmless.
Movie theaters are unlikely to be hazardous to hearing because the sound levels are usually high for only short periods. For adults who have quiet jobs (if you can converse at arm's length without shouting, you have a quiet job), the main preventable causes of hearing loss are head injury (wear seat belts in cars, wear helmets on bicycles) and explosive noise (wear earplugs or earmuffs when firing guns and stay away from firecrackers). People with noisy jobs should insist that their employers have sound-level measurements made, and enroll them in hearing conservation programs if the exposures are hazardous.
Let's keep things in perspective. Remember that it's the dose that makes the "poison." -- ROBERT DOBIE, M.D., WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR DR. DOBIE: Thank you for setting me straight. I'm sure my readers will find your letter as enlightening as I did. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Our thanks to Nanette Fabray MacDougall, but she didn't go far enough. It's not only the music in movies and TV shows that's too loud, it is also the sound effects, i.e., planes, helicopters, sirens, construction sounds, street noise, raging storms, etc., that cover the dialogue.
Perhaps if everyone who is inconvenienced would write to the companies and studios who produce these shows and complain, they would eventually get the message. -- TIRED OF THE NOISE
DEAR TIRED: It appears that some production companies are already getting the message. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have contacted TV programmers about lowering the level of the music and sound effects on their shows. Lifetime Television said they would lower the audio track on future productions of "Beyond Chance." Discovery Channel said they would pass along my complaint to program management and executives.
Abby, please urge your readers to let their voices be heard loud and clear -- by contacting TV stations and program producers. Some of them seem to be listening. -- ADAM McKEEHAN, MASON, OHIO
DEAR ADAM: That's refreshing. Readers, it's up to you. Whether it's by e-mail or snail mail, let your voices be heard.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)