Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Lesbian Who Felt Lost Found Peace and Hope in Gay Church
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Hurting in Houston," the gay man whose parents told him he and his partner were no longer welcome in their home, I felt the need to speak to him from my heart. Abby, I would be honored if you would print my message to him:
Dear Hurting: I am a lesbian. I want you to know that you are not alone. I sympathize with how you feel. My father is homophobic. Need I say more? What people like your parents and my father don't realize is that the gay community is much larger than they think. Chances are, most people in this country have some connection to someone who is gay.
Is there a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) near your parents? That would be a good place for them to express their concerns among people from their side of the fence.
There is nothing "horrible" about being gay. God didn't "goof" when he made us. He wanted us this way, and no matter what other people might tell you, God loves us just the same as he loves anyone else. I don't know how you feel about God, but I know that I would not be alive today if he were not walking through life right beside me.
You wrote that you're having trouble sleeping at night. I've been there, too. My advice to you is to find somewhere you and your partner feel comfortable to worship God. There are gay and gay-friendly churches in this country. I know going has helped me. A month ago, I wasn't sleeping well, and I didn't feel like eating as much as I normally do. I was depressed, and I knew it; but I didn't know what to do about it. Then I heard about a gay church near where I live. I went one day. By experiencing God's unconditional love, I feel that life is better. I'm sleeping at night now, and my appetite has returned.
If God can give me peace, he can do the same for you. I'll be praying for you. -– HOPEFUL IN HESPERIA, CALIF.
DEAR HOPEFUL: I'm sure your words of encouragement will bolster the spirits of more hurting individuals than the young man who wrote. Not all families reject or fear their gay relatives. And your message that while some churches teach homophobic doctrine, others are gay-friendly is an important one. Some of them even have membership that is primarily gay and lesbian. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are dismayed over "Hurting in Houston's" problem with his parents.
We have lots of love to give and would like "Hurting" to know that we would be happy to be his parents. Whether it be a legal adoption or a spiritual one, we would like to be his family.
He will get a mom and dad who will love him, worry about him, respect him and accept that he is gay. He will gain two brothers who have been taught to love and treat others with kindness. He and his partner can openly come to our home and all family functions. We will brag about him, call him often, and bore him with our stories. In short, we will make him and his partner feel very much a part of a REAL family.
We are serious, Abby. Please pass this letter on to him. -– FROM LONG BEACH, WITH LOVE
DEAR FROM LONG BEACH: If I hear from him, I will. And that's a promise.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 ($9 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife Suspects Man's Greeting Cards Are Not Meant for Her
DEAR ABBY: Over the past year, I have found several unsigned romantic greeting cards in my husband's truck, or in bags stashed throughout the house. I would wait a few days to see if I received any of them, and after time passed, confront my husband about them. He said he was waiting for the "right opportunity" to give them to me.
Well, it's been months, and I haven't received a single card from my husband. I'm beginning to wonder if there is someone else who is getting them.
Should I confront him again or keep waiting to see what happens? -- WAITING FOR MAIL IN PHILLY
DEAR WAITING: You've waited long enough. If the cards were meant for you, you would have received at least a few of them. Tell your husband that unless he straightens out and flies right, you'll send HIM a card that says, "Change of Address."
DEAR ABBY: I live in a hot climate. I have the only swimming pool in the area. My neighbors and their children have taken an invitation to swim on a particular day as an opportunity to use my pool whenever their hearts desire.
Abby, I don't want people in my pool on a daily basis. Maintenance is expensive, and I want my privacy.
How can I politely let people know that my pool is not open all the time and still maintain friendly relations with my neighbors? -- PRIVATE POOL OWNER
DEAR POOL OWNER: Let your neighbors know that your pool is open to them from ( ) to ( ) on a specified day and that children must be supervised by parents at all times.
If a regular schedule is not acceptable, do what other readers have done: Buy a decorative flag and let your neighbors know that when they see the flag is flying, visitors are welcome as long as children are accompanied by parents.
You have a right to your privacy, but you must assert that right or it will be ignored.
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a beautiful 2 1/2-year-old girl. She lives with her adoptive parents two hours from where I now live. I know they love her very much and take excellent care of her.
Mother's Day has passed, but during the weeks leading up to it, I was reminded of it on television, in newspapers and in retail stores -- everywhere I turned. Mothers are very important and should be honored by their children and husbands, but I am a mother, too!
I did what I thought was best for my daughter by giving her to parents who could take better care of her than I. I don't begrudge them anything, but I am tired of being forgotten on Mother's Day.
Please, Abby, I know Mother's Day has passed, but would you wish a belated Happy Mother's Day to all birth mothers, especially the ones with no one else to say it? -- BIRTH MOTHER IN BALTIMORE
DEAR BIRTH MOTHER: With pleasure.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bride Sends Checks to Guests Whose Gifts Don't Measure Up
DEAR ABBY: "Ticked Off in Connecticut" asked if anyone could top the account of the nervy mother who purchased shower gifts for her daughter and asked the guests to pay for what she had purchased. Well, I can. I'm enclosing a copy of a letter from "Vic and Betty" to a guest they invited to their wedding. (Betty's third, incidentally.)
"Dear Dick and Fran: Enclosed is a check for $30 for the salt and pepper shakers, which we returned today. At the time we didn't know who could have sent such a gift.
"Vic thought it was someone from down South who is not coming to the wedding. This evening we found the card and realized they came from you.
"Since you think so little of us, please do us the courtesy of NOT attending our wedding or reception. -- Vic and Betty"
Abby, when my friend -- who was with Fran when she purchased the salt and pepper shakers for the couple -- saw the letter, she couldn't stop laughing and sent that nervy communique to me. Funny? If you want to verify this, I'm enclosing Fran's phone number. I just told her I'm sending the letter to you. -- STILL LAUGHING, SHORT HILLS, N.J.
P.S. Another "guest" received a similar request not to attend, along with a refund check for $75 for the gift she had sent.
DEAR STILL LAUGHING: You may be laughing, but I'm wincing. A wedding invitation is supposed to be sent by the happy couple to special people with whom they would like to share this important rite of passage. That the invitation would be rescinded because the couple considers a wedding gift not lavish enough is appalling bad manners.
Nowhere is it written that a wedding gift must be as expensive as the cost of the catered dinner, although I have received letters from dissatisfied newlyweds complaining that they didn't "make back" the cost of the wedding. No one should spend more on a wedding gift than he or she can comfortably afford. Perhaps those who think of a wedding as a fund-raiser should consider charging admission. (Only kidding!) Read on:
DEAR ABBY: So you think you've seen it all? Allow me to share the flier we received from my husband's cousin:
"In honor of 'Desiree's' first birthday, we are setting up an education fund to pay for her college expenses, etc., and we're asking for your help. Our goal is to invest at least $2,000 on her behalf. We'll keep a list of everyone who contributes and have Desi write a periodic letter to each of you letting you know what's new in her life. (She'll do it whether Daddy has to put his foot down or not!) She needs to know how many people loved her the day she was born, and this will be a small thank-you on her part.
"Send contributions to our address. -- DESI'S PROUD PARENTS
"P.S. Desiree is also registered at Toys 'R' Us and Target!"
So, Abby, how would you respond to this? -- FUMING IN FLORIDA
DEAR FUMING: Since the invitation came from out of state and there's no chance you'll be attending the birthday party, send your regrets and a nice card commemorating the happy event.
P.S. When will people learn that it is crass and impolite to ask for money? The subject of money should be brought up only in response to the question: "What does the baby (or bride) need (or prefer)?" No reference to money should appear on any invitation.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)