Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Bride Sends Checks to Guests Whose Gifts Don't Measure Up
DEAR ABBY: "Ticked Off in Connecticut" asked if anyone could top the account of the nervy mother who purchased shower gifts for her daughter and asked the guests to pay for what she had purchased. Well, I can. I'm enclosing a copy of a letter from "Vic and Betty" to a guest they invited to their wedding. (Betty's third, incidentally.)
"Dear Dick and Fran: Enclosed is a check for $30 for the salt and pepper shakers, which we returned today. At the time we didn't know who could have sent such a gift.
"Vic thought it was someone from down South who is not coming to the wedding. This evening we found the card and realized they came from you.
"Since you think so little of us, please do us the courtesy of NOT attending our wedding or reception. -- Vic and Betty"
Abby, when my friend -- who was with Fran when she purchased the salt and pepper shakers for the couple -- saw the letter, she couldn't stop laughing and sent that nervy communique to me. Funny? If you want to verify this, I'm enclosing Fran's phone number. I just told her I'm sending the letter to you. -- STILL LAUGHING, SHORT HILLS, N.J.
P.S. Another "guest" received a similar request not to attend, along with a refund check for $75 for the gift she had sent.
DEAR STILL LAUGHING: You may be laughing, but I'm wincing. A wedding invitation is supposed to be sent by the happy couple to special people with whom they would like to share this important rite of passage. That the invitation would be rescinded because the couple considers a wedding gift not lavish enough is appalling bad manners.
Nowhere is it written that a wedding gift must be as expensive as the cost of the catered dinner, although I have received letters from dissatisfied newlyweds complaining that they didn't "make back" the cost of the wedding. No one should spend more on a wedding gift than he or she can comfortably afford. Perhaps those who think of a wedding as a fund-raiser should consider charging admission. (Only kidding!) Read on:
DEAR ABBY: So you think you've seen it all? Allow me to share the flier we received from my husband's cousin:
"In honor of 'Desiree's' first birthday, we are setting up an education fund to pay for her college expenses, etc., and we're asking for your help. Our goal is to invest at least $2,000 on her behalf. We'll keep a list of everyone who contributes and have Desi write a periodic letter to each of you letting you know what's new in her life. (She'll do it whether Daddy has to put his foot down or not!) She needs to know how many people loved her the day she was born, and this will be a small thank-you on her part.
"Send contributions to our address. -- DESI'S PROUD PARENTS
"P.S. Desiree is also registered at Toys 'R' Us and Target!"
So, Abby, how would you respond to this? -- FUMING IN FLORIDA
DEAR FUMING: Since the invitation came from out of state and there's no chance you'll be attending the birthday party, send your regrets and a nice card commemorating the happy event.
P.S. When will people learn that it is crass and impolite to ask for money? The subject of money should be brought up only in response to the question: "What does the baby (or bride) need (or prefer)?" No reference to money should appear on any invitation.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Can't Close Her Eyes to Peeping Tom Next Door
DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do. Last week I caught my next-door neighbor "peeping" into the bedroom window of a very pretty neighbor across the street. When I confronted him, he begged me not to tell his wife, giving all kinds of psychological reasons for his behavior, including his upbringing.
Let me add that when my husband and I moved into our home seven years ago, we had a "peeping Tom" at our bedroom window. This neighbor now admits it was he, and that he also liked to listen to our bedroom activities! Now he claims that being caught has completely changed him. He has promised it will never happen again. Somehow I don't buy it.
This man and his wife are a young couple who have announced they plan to "make a baby" in the fall. I worry about the child they want to bring into the world, and the consequences of having this guy as a father.
It's difficult to act normal in front of his wife. We were becoming friends and entertained them as dinner guests a few times. We helped each other with yard work and household improvements. Now I feel extremely uncomfortable around them. I think his wife has noticed the strained feeling.
Should I tell her what I know? My husband says I should stay out of it, but this has been bothering me to the point that I feel like installing security cameras on all sides of our home.
How should I handle this, Abby? I need your advice quick. -– WORRIED NEIGHBOR
DEAR WORRIED NEIGHBOR: Your neighbor across the street should immediately be told what you witnessed so she can take steps to protect her privacy. Your local police should be informed so they can keep an eye on the man -– who clearly has a problem that requires professional help. However, I see no reason to tell his wife at this time. That information should come from her husband or the authorities.
Read on for a more lighthearted "neighbor story":
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from "Gardener in West Palm Beach, Fla." He's the man who stemmed the constant flow of criticism from a pesky neighbor by telling her it made him uncomfortable that she constantly watched him get "all sweaty" while working in his yard with his shirt off -– then gave her a wink. I had to laugh because it reminded me of a similar experience my husband and I had.
We lived in an apartment over a business. Our "pests" were an older couple who lived in a duplex across the street. They literally took turns watching us through their binoculars! It got to the point where we couldn't open our front curtains.
One hot day we opened our curtains and front window to let some air in, and sure enough, there they were. My husband gave me a sly grin. Then he turned around, dropped his shorts and mooned them! I watched them grab the binoculars they dropped and run in the house. Needless to say, they never watched us again. -– STILL LAUGHING IN OHIO
DEAR STILL LAUGHING: They were fast learners. Being moonstruck once was enough.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "LONG TIME AGO" IN ILLINOIS: Tell your husband about the molestation that happened when you were a little girl. It wasn't your fault. Then make an appointment with a therapist. In order to get on with your life and stop the flashbacks, you must bring all of this out in the open. Please write again and let me know how you are doing.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Ailing Ex Pows Are Entitled to Get the Help They Need
DEAR ABBY: Please help me get this message out to the thousands of former prisoners of war from World War II and the Korean War.
As a former POW shot down over Germany in World War II, I am now a volunteer helping other ex-POWs to present their claims to our Department of Veterans Affairs. Over the past 25 years, congressional legislation has identified more than 20 maladies caused by prisoner-of-war experiences in Japan, Germany and Korea. Special benefits are available to all former POWs suffering from heart disease, residual frostbite, malnutrition, post-traumatic arthritis, delayed stress, neuropathy and other maladies.
Only one-third of ex-POWs have responded to the Department of Veterans Affairs for their entitlements. This means there are thousands of veterans in their 70s and 80s who are not aware that this help is available to them. We, who are accredited American ex-POW service officers, stand ready to help them present their well-grounded claims to the Veterans Administration.
To get help, they should contact Clyde Moran, National Headquarters, American Ex-Prisoners of War, 3201 E. Pioneer Parkway, Suite 40, Arlington, Texas 76010-5396. Telephone: (817) 649-2979; or e-mail to pow(at)flash.net. -- FRED L. CAMPBELL, SERVICE OFFICER, SAN ANGELO, TEXAS
DEAR FRED: Your message is an important one, and many veterans and their families will thank you for it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom of a 6-year-old boy. My son spends every Wednesday night and every other weekend with his dad.
Lately I've been going dancing and have met some single dads and dads in the midst of divorce. One of the complaints I often hear from them is that when they have regular, scheduled visits with their kids, they end up having to "run them all over town" -- to soccer, swimming, etc. It seems lost on them that that's what most moms do!
An example: My son's class lottery system chose Wednesday evening for his swimming class. However, my son's father didn't want to take him there, even though it fell on the night of his weekly visit. Imagine my little boy's disappointment. There is nothing more special to him than having his favorite person in the whole world -- his dad -- watch him swim.
This is not an issue of men vs. women, or ex vs. ex. It's about custodial vs. noncustodial parents. Of course, I understand when special plans interfere, but I don't understand why noncustodial parents feel that children should forgo their regular events during the time shared with them.
I do the best I can to make our home complete, but I cannot fill the shoes of my son's father. Abby, please encourage noncustodial parents to take an active part in those special times, even if it is inconvenient. Don't insist upon making your children sacrifice what they enjoy most. -- TACOMA MOM
DEAR TACOMA MOM: Well said. Your ex-husband's attitude is not only selfish, but he's also missing out on an important opportunity to make his son feel special and successful. He'll never get this chance again.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)