Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Woman's Strength of Personality Is Drained by Controlling Man
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter from "Been There in Texas," the woman who was married to a very controlling husband.
This past year, I found myself a prisoner of what began as the perfect relationship. During the first couple of months I dated my boyfriend, I was swept away by his charm and loving attitude. He deserves a standing ovation. He did an outstanding job of blinding me -- and everyone in my life -- to his true nature.
My once-active social life slowly disappeared before my eyes -- leaving me with only him. It was a slow process. He patiently chipped away at my self-esteem until he created a relationship that satisfied his needs. I found myself trapped by someone who didn't allow me to speak to anyone. He took away my right to be me.
He constantly reminded me that he was a "real man." In reality, he was a scared little boy hiding behind a strong woman. That's why he chose me to be his victim. I had dignity, self-respect, a confident attitude -- qualities he knew he would never have. "Boys" like him need women like me because we have lots of chutzpah. If they can subdue someone like me, they gain a sense of control within themselves.
I'm writing to let anyone who is presently involved with a controlling partner know one thing: These partners are scared. They are scared of being alone. Most of all, they are scared of themselves. Deep down they know they can't sugarcoat their personalities forever. They know people will eventually uncover the cruel intentions hidden temporarily behind their mask of sweetness.
My advice to victims: I hope that one day you will remember the strong person you once were. I hope you will realize that you still exist and have the right to come out and play. Whether you realize it or not, you have control over the next move. Change the rules of the game -- and leave. -- P.G. IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR P.G.: The man you describe is a narcissistic personality. He believes the world revolves around him and his needs, and nobody else matters. If you are not revolving around him, you are not in his orbit, and he will say and do anything to entice you in.
There is only one way out -- and that is to make a safe escape plan to leave -- and once you have escaped, never return. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: May I share a poem I wrote last year? It was derived from conversations I had with women who survived abusive relationships and gained the courage to leave. -- DANNY COMSTOCK, MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR DANNY: Thank you for giving me permission to print your poem, "Words of Love?" If your painful words sound familiar to any of my readers, I hope they, too, will have the courage to leave.
You're fat! You're ugly!
You're nothing but a b----!
Clean the house!
Take care of the kids!
Can't you do anything right?
You're not sexy!
You don't turn me on!
You're frigid, cold as ice!
You don't appreciate my love!
Why I put up with you, I don't understand!
But no one will understand you like I do!
You need me to take care of you!
You won't survive without me!
If you don't listen to me, I will hit you again!
And then you will understand how much I love you!
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Ex Husband's Taste in Women Tests First Wife's Tolerance
DEAR ABBY: I have lived in this town for 40 years. My ex-husband and I divorced 34 years ago. Our children are adults, and we have four grandchildren, ranging in age from 4 to 10. I have many friends, but there are two women in this town I cannot tolerate. One has been my ex-husband's wife for 25 years. They are now being divorced. Wouldn't you know -- his current "main squeeze" is the other woman I can't stand.
When his second marriage ended, the entire family breathed a sigh of relief. I am almost 70 now, and all of us had hoped we could enjoy future family events without the stress of having someone around I disliked. (The family gets together every other month or so, and both my ex and I are invited.)
My ex now wants his girlfriend included in these family celebrations. I told him in no uncertain terms that I have purposely avoided this woman for many years. I do not want to associate with her simply because he is now involved with her. My children love their father and me, and are now caught in the middle.
Abby, do you think I am being unreasonable? -- MIMI IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR MIMI: Don't make your family choose between you and your ex-husband. You cannot control whom your family invites. You CAN control how many times a year you want to be around someone you dislike.
Perhaps you have misjudged this woman. I hope you can look beyond her faults for the sake of family unity.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in reference to the one from the pilot ("Joey Jet") who was afraid of roller coasters. You were right when you said his fear stemmed from the fact that he wasn't in control when he was on an amusement park ride.
It has been decades, but I still remember a ride at an amusement park where my boyfriend and I shared a seat and one of us could direct our "airplane flight" with a knob. When he directed us, everything was fine. As soon as I took the knob, he got sick and had to take the controls from me. As long as he was in control, he was fine.
As it turned out, he became a bomber pilot in World War II and flew 35 missions out of England over Germany. -- AUDREY IN PORT RICHEY, FLA.
DEAR AUDREY: That's interesting. If the number of letters I have received from pilots is any indication, "Joey Jet" is far from alone in suffering from the problem. Read on for an eye-opener:
DEAR ABBY: I have been both a pilot and an airport traffic controller, and have logged millions of passenger miles. I share the same problem as "Joey Jet." I have acrophobia -- a fear of heights. While I have no fear of flying, I cannot tolerate high amusement park rides like roller coasters.
I agree with you that lack of control plays a part, but it's also the fact that rides, tall buildings and canyon ledges are VISIBLY CONNECTED to the ground. When you're flying high in the sky, only your flight instruments measure altitude and speed.
Nothing compares to that exhilarating sensation of "loosing the bonds of Earth" on takeoff. -- UP AND AWAY GRANDMA IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UP AND AWAY: Thank you for the expert input, but I disagree. For me, nothing compares to the relief I feel coasting to the terminal after a safe landing.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Lessons of Etiquette Should Be Elementary for All Kids
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Perplexed in Virginia," about the snubbing her first-grade son received from classmates throwing birthday parties, resonated with me, as I'm sure it did with many other parents.
My 7-year-old granddaughter has recently been hurt twice when girls in her class invited her for their parties, but did not invite her to stay for the sleep-over afterward. Boasting on the part of the girls who got to stay made it even sadder for the few who had to leave when the actual party was over.
Abby, perhaps you should open the door for letters about other birthday abuses -- like reacting negatively after opening a gift. Perhaps some young parents never learned to be sensitive, and you could launch a crusade to spare the feelings of youngsters. -- SADDENED GRANNY
DEAR GRANNY: I'm pleased to oblige. Children cannot learn what they haven't been taught -- and there's no better way to raise awareness than reading first-person accounts of painful experience. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have children in a small private school. Some of the students always invite the entire class to their birthday parties. My children do not. I want my children to be empathetic and respectful, but I also want them to grow up learning appropriate limits and boundaries. We invite one child for every year of age -- at a fifth birthday party: five guests.
I offer my do's and don'ts for children's birthday parties:
(1) Don't hand out invitations at school unless you plan to invite the entire class. Mail them instead.
(2) Don't schedule the party immediately after school. The partygoers should not arrive at the party en masse off the school bus.
(3) Don't discuss the party on the playground or in the lunchroom or classroom. If one of your guests mentions the party, simply say you're glad he or she can come. School is not the place to go into party details.
(4) Do ask your child to consider the mix of his or her guests. Are there two children on the list who don't get along? Is there a guest from the neighborhood who will feel out of place not knowing the guests from the school? Does every guest know at least one other guest -- someone besides your child?
Etiquette isn't meant to entangle us, but to provide guidelines. I hope my children won't doggedly adhere to strict rules of etiquette, but embrace a hospitality that considers the needs of others. Forcing the unrealistic expectation that we will be friends with everyone diminishes the child's ability to make wise choices and create healthy boundaries.
Our children do not have to be friends with every child in their classroom. But our children do have to be respectful of all. -- MINNEAPOLIS MOM
DEAR MOM: I agree that the feelings of others must be respected, and you're never too young to learn that lesson. Limiting the size of birthday parties for your child makes sense. The problems arise when almost an entire class is invited to the party and just a few are excluded. Not every child is popular. However, that reality should not be magnified by his or her obvious exclusion. Make no mistake about it, those painful traumas last a lifetime.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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