Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Chastened Husband Resolves to Share Roost, Not Rule It
DEAR ABBY: I was blessed with one of the finest mothers-in-law a man could hope for. I'll call her Dorothy. We were so much alike that I often told her I should have been her son.
Dorothy was a strong-willed woman who ran an efficient household. No back-talk was allowed on the part of her children.
When my father-in-law died, Dorothy found herself a widow at 81. Unable to live alone, she asked to live with my wife and me. Our children were grown, and there was plenty of room, so we agreed.
Knowing she had "ruled the roost" in her own home, I asked her to promise me that she would remember she was not coming to run OUR household. Well, bless Dorothy's departed soul, for 10 years she honored her promise, even though at times you could see she was biting her tongue.
Abby, I just recently retired. My wife and I have very different ways of doing things in the kitchen. When I cook, I put things away as soon as I am finished with them. My wife, on the other hand, stacks things in the kitchen sink -- waiting for me to wash them and put them away.
After scolding my wife recently about her disorganization, she stopped me in mid-sentence and asked, "Do you remember what you said to my mother before she moved in?" I nodded. She continued, "Well, you are here to share our home with me, not to run it."
My words have come back to haunt me. I must now learn to "bite my tongue," while still trying to be helpful. -- ERIC IN OCEANSIDE
DEAR ERIC: I'm printing your letter so that any other recent retiree who needs to see it can learn from it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: For years, my husband and I had terrible fights. Then we finally came up with a system that helped us get beyond the fighting. It saved our marriage. It's very simple:
(1) Agree that listening to the other person does not mean you concur with what the other one is saying.
(2) One person talks for as long as necessary. The other partner does not interrupt, no matter how much he or she may disagree or itch to get his or her point in. Instead, jot down a key word to remember what was said.
(3) When the speaker is finished, the other person may do the same thing.
My husband and I discovered that when we listened to each other without interrupting, we heard each other far more completely and understood the other's point of view.
Please share this with your readers if you think it will be helpful. -- LISTENING WITH BOTH EARS
DEAR LISTENING: I'm pleased to share your method for diffusing arguments. Another effective technique is for the listener to repeat back what he or she has just heard in order to be sure it's the message the speaker meant to convey. Misunderstandings often occur because the parties reach and form their judgments before understanding the other person's viewpoint.
P.S. I have a hunch this column will wind up on many refrigerators!
Discussion of Guardianship Starts Family War of Wills
DEAR ABBY: Recently at a family party for my daughter's second birthday, a discussion came up about who I would like to leave my children with if something happened to my husband and me.
Although we have not made definite plans, I said we had several options. We are extremely close to some friends who are raising their children as we are raising ours. After thinking it over, I said they would be our first choice.
Well, my parents became furious. They threatened that if we were to leave our children with these friends, they would contest the will and fight to get custody.
Abby, I love my parents, but in my heart, I know they would not be the best choice to raise our kids. How can I get my parents to back off? -- THINKING OF THEIR FUTURE
DEAR THINKING: You probably can't, so you and your husband must talk to a lawyer and have your wishes "carved in granite." Include in the document all of the reasons you want your friends to raise your children -- and all of the reasons why your parents should not. Then cross your fingers, pray that the document will never have to be seen by your parents or used by your friends, and, if it becomes necessary, that it will be reviewed by an understanding, sympathetic judge.
DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter about a downed pilot in World War II who was captured by the Germans when he was observed cutting his food with his knife and transferring his fork to his right hand to eat, thus identifying himself as an American. This was not an uncommon event in World War II. The Germans were trained to look for such cultural habits.
Our allies, the British, were often identified and captured by the way they crossed the road as pedestrians. Because vehicles travel on the left side of the road in Britain, pedestrians look to their right when stepping off the curb, a dangerous habit in France or Germany where traffic approaches from the left -- and even more critical if an approaching vehicle contained members of the German militia. -- HISTORY TRIVIA BUFF, ENCINITAS, CALIF.
DEAR TRIVIA BUFF: Your letter gives me renewed respect for those who risked their lives trying to gain intelligence behind enemy lines.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old. I have no life. My parents won't let me out of the house because they are always afraid that something is going to happen to me. I live five miles outside of Reno, and I haven't been to town in two weeks. Every Saturday morning they both go into town, but they refuse to take me with them. My mom has blocked off all calls to my friends and from them.
What should I do? -- PRISONER IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR PRISONER: If your parents are doing this as a form of discipline, it is certainly not child abuse. However, if you are being isolated for no good reason, discuss it with a trusted teacher or a school counselor, because your parents' concern for your safety seems excessive.
NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: Happy Passover, one and all!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
'Turn It Down!' Is Battle Cry for Those Sick of Public Din
DEAR ABBY: Why do television and movie directors think they must fill every moment of a show with background music? I know many others feel as I do. I am particularly bothered when the wonderful nature shows have such loud background music that it's difficult to understand the commentary. What would be wrong with simply hearing the natural sounds of nature, like the sea or the forest?
Many people I know dislike going into restaurants because, again, the "background" music level is so high it is impossible to converse. And forget about sitting in a movie theater. Any sound level about 90 decibels does permanent damage to one's hearing -- yet studies show that practically every movie theater exceeds this damaging level by a huge margin. Ask a theater manager to turn down the volume, and you'll be told the public likes that noise. We are permanently damaging the hearing of our people. -- NANETTE FABRAY MACDOUGALL, PACIFIC PALISADES, CALIF.
DEAR NANETTE: You're absolutely right, of course. But restaurants use music to discourage patrons from lingering over their meals so the table can be "turned" to accommodate another seating, which equals more profit for the restaurant. Call it modern restaurant management.
If one were to ask theater owners and managers why the volume is raised so high in movies, I'm sure the reply would be that it adds to the realism for audiences whose hearing is already impaired from rock concerts and dance clubs.
Speaking as someone with a degree of hearing loss of my own, I agree that television shows are sometimes marred because the background music overpowers the dialogue. But whether or not it will be altered depends upon the demographic the producers and station executives are trying to appeal to.
Sad to say, but the situation probably won't improve until people are able to prove in a court of law exactly where they were when their hearing was damaged.
DEAR ABBY: I am responding on behalf of the Vermont State Judiciary Committee to a recent letter from "Needs to Know," who plans to "marry" in Vermont. We would like to clarify a potential misunderstanding of our landmark civil union law.
In Vermont, the institution of marriage is available only to couples of the opposite sex. However, same-sex couples may establish a "civil union," which entitles them to benefits and privileges, as well as the responsibilities, equal to those afforded to married couples.
We hope "Needs to Know," her partner, their families and friends enjoy their stay in Vermont. -- JOHN F. CAMPBELL, SENATOR, WINDSOR COUNTY, CLERK, SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE
DEAR SEN. CAMPBELL: Thank you for the clarification. Regardless of what you call it, your landmark civil union law is sensible and forward-thinking. I wish other states would follow your lead and allow same-sex couples who wish to be officially committed to each other the privilege of doing so. It poses no threat to "traditional" marriages and promotes responsibility and accountability between the partners.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)