For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND'S INTERROGATIONS REVEAL HIS LACK OF TRUST
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 14 years. We have two wonderful boys. Last weekend, my husband questioned me about a missing condom. He asked if I knew where it was. At first, I laughed it off, because I had no idea where it might be. He questioned me about it for three days.
Yesterday, I discovered the missing condom. It had been thrown into another drawer. When I told my husband, he actually checked the lot number to see if it matched the others in the package. He said it was "very suspicious," and did not apologize for accusing me of taking it.
Abby, our married life has not been the happiest. He has falsely accused me of things in the past. I've mentioned marriage counseling many times, but he refuses to go. How should I handle this? -- TIRED OF THE THIRD DEGREE
DEAR TIRED: The lack of trust in your marriage needs to be addressed. Since your husband refuses to go to counseling, go by yourself. You need a safe, supportive place to vent your understandable frustration and anger.
P.S. You didn't mention how old your sons are, but I suspect one or both of them became curious and went into your drawers. In their haste to return the condom, it was put into the wrong drawer. If you haven't done so already, your sons are old enough to hear some straight talk about human sexuality, the reproductive system and their parents' right to privacy.
DEAR ABBY: Recently you've printed several letters from readers complaining about their neighborhood "pests." I live in an idyllic home at the end of a private road. Vegetation obscures my immediate neighbors.
My neighborhood "pest" is my next-door neighbor. For years she complained that I was cutting weeds and vines from the ditch that separates our properties. (I cut the weeds because I want the hedge I planted to grow.)
One day while she was complaining, I said, "You know, it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that you watch me when I'm all sweaty and working with my shirt off." Then I winked at her. It was the last complaint I've had from her in five years. -- GARDENER IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.
DEAR GARDENER: You probably scared the "pest" with your flirtatious accusation. I hope your hedge has finally grown tall enough that she no longer gets an "eyeful," if she's so inclined.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are planning a simple, intimate wedding, and because I am Jewish and he is not, we're having a nondenominational ceremony. At the end of the ceremony, I would like to have the traditional "stomping of the glass." However, my mother says that we cannot do it because we're not having the traditional Jewish ceremony.
What is the proper etiquette? -- STACY IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
DEAR STACY: There is no rule that says you cannot include the breaking of the wine glass in your wedding ceremony if you wish. Civil ceremonies can (and do) vary greatly, and some customs can be modified according to your own preference.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Nurse's Affair With Patient Makes Her Sick at Heart
DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman. I worked as a nurse in a psychiatric hospital for five years. Last month, I had an affair -- a one-night stand -- with a former patient whom I met in the hospital. It was discovered, and a week later, I was fired.
Abby, I swear nothing inappropriate ever took place while the man was a patient in the hospital. We only talked. Hospital management didn't believe me and gave me no choice but to "resign." Now I hear there are terrible rumors circulating about me.
Fortunately, my husband is standing beside me as I try to get on with my life. I feel like I have committed a felony and don't know how to forgive myself. -- MADE A MISTAKE IN MARYLAND
DEAR MADE A MISTAKE: You don't need me to tell you
that you committed a serious breach of professional ethics. Doctors, nurses, social workers and other health-care professionals must not have a physical relationship with their patients. Psychiatric patients are particularly vulnerable.
You and your husband would benefit from professional marriage counseling. It's important that you find out why you took a risk that sabotaged your professional future and compromised your marriage vows, so that you can understand and be able to forgive yourself.
DEAR ABBY: My son "Rudy" is 42 years old and still depends on me and his sisters to give him money to survive. He is an only son and brother and has always expected it from us.
Rudy never married and recently started living on his own, although he doesn't own much of anything. One of his sisters was generous enough to purchase a home for him to live in, but he refused to move to where the house is located.
He doesn't own a car, and I guess he is waiting for one of us to get one for him. In the past, we have bought him cars and trucks, along with beautiful clothing -- and he has nothing to show for it. All of us in the family have bent over backward to help him get on his feet.
Abby, what can we do to make Rudy understand that he needs to take care of himself without help from us? His sisters have cut him off; however, I am still trying to do the best for me AND for him. Your thoughts, please. -- NO NAME IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR NO NAME: Your son is old enough to be told the facts of life. Show him the help-wanted ads and point out entry-level positions. The gravy train has left the station, and now Rudy must stand on his own two feet.
P.S. He may need professional counseling to break his lifelong dependency on others. Let's hope it's the last thing you'll have to pay for.
DEAR ABBY: I love my wife dearly, but she has chronic bad breath -- and I mean BAD. I have tried talking to her about it; she just shrugs it off or says I hurt her feelings.
Every morning when I leave the house for work, she asks for a goodbye kiss and I reluctantly oblige. Please tell me what to do, Abby. It would be nice to enjoy a sweet kiss again. -- GASPING FOR AIR
DEAR GASPING: Perhaps you should change your approach. Tell your wife gently that you're concerned about her health, and you'd like her to get a thorough exam from both her doctor and dentist. Bad breath can be a sign of serious dental or medical problems and should not be ignored.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bride Fears Ex's Demand Will Cast Pall on Wedding
DEAR ABBY: In the next couple of weeks -- after the mandatory one-year separation -- my divorce will be final. During this past year, I finally told my best friend, whom I wanted to marry in the first place, how I feel about him. He responded with great joy and told me he has felt the same way about me for many years. We are extremely happy together. He loves spending time with me doing the same things I enjoy, which is the basis of our friendship. He loves my daughter and has similar goals and dreams to mine. My relationship with him is the exact opposite of the one I had with my ex-husband.
My problem is my ex wants to give me away at my next wedding. When I told him I wanted our 20-month-old toddler to walk down the aisle with me, he said no because he wants to be the one to do it. Then he added that it's his "right" to give me away since he's my husband. My fiance and I don't even want my ex to attend because we're afraid he will cause trouble. He's angry with my fiance because he was the best man when my ex and I married.
I am considering allowing him to walk me down the aisle, because our daughter might want him at the wedding even though he rarely sees her.
I feel guilty not wanting my ex at the wedding, but I will finally be marrying the man I wish I'd married in the first place, and I want that day to be fun and happy.
What do you think about my ex's demand, Abby? -- CONFUSED IN BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA
DEAR CONFUSED: At the time of your wedding, your former husband will no longer be your husband, and his claim that he has the "right" to give you away is ludicrous. Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.
Since your daughter doesn't often see her father, she probably won't miss him on your wedding day.
Don't feel guilty for not wanting your ex at your wedding. I have a hunch that one of the reasons you divorced him was his controlling behavior. Don't take the chance that he could do anything to spoil your wedding. Definitely omit him from the guest list.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from the "Cozy Couple in California" who hates single beds, I'm reminded of our first visit to our son and daughter-in-law's newly purchased home.
The guest room was furnished with twin beds. Before retiring, my husband and I maneuvered them together across the short span of hardwood floor.
Trying to get settled, we reached toward each other for a good-night snuggle. The beds parted, and I landed on the floor between the beds. Thank heavens I wasn't hurt.
After a good laugh, my resourceful husband (sadly, now deceased) found his socks and tied the legs of the beds together to make a luxurious king-size bed. -- MARIAN IN LAKE ALFRED, FLA.
DEAR MARIAN: I admire his resourcefulness, and your ability to "bounce back" with humor after hitting the floor.
DEAR ABBY: Is it ever proper for a mother and/or an aunt to walk the bride down the aisle? -- ALL-FEMALE FAMILY
DEAR ALL: Certainly. It's usually done when the father is absent or deceased and no male figure is as close to the bride as the mother or aunt.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)