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Bride Fears Ex's Demand Will Cast Pall on Wedding
DEAR ABBY: In the next couple of weeks -- after the mandatory one-year separation -- my divorce will be final. During this past year, I finally told my best friend, whom I wanted to marry in the first place, how I feel about him. He responded with great joy and told me he has felt the same way about me for many years. We are extremely happy together. He loves spending time with me doing the same things I enjoy, which is the basis of our friendship. He loves my daughter and has similar goals and dreams to mine. My relationship with him is the exact opposite of the one I had with my ex-husband.
My problem is my ex wants to give me away at my next wedding. When I told him I wanted our 20-month-old toddler to walk down the aisle with me, he said no because he wants to be the one to do it. Then he added that it's his "right" to give me away since he's my husband. My fiance and I don't even want my ex to attend because we're afraid he will cause trouble. He's angry with my fiance because he was the best man when my ex and I married.
I am considering allowing him to walk me down the aisle, because our daughter might want him at the wedding even though he rarely sees her.
I feel guilty not wanting my ex at the wedding, but I will finally be marrying the man I wish I'd married in the first place, and I want that day to be fun and happy.
What do you think about my ex's demand, Abby? -- CONFUSED IN BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA
DEAR CONFUSED: At the time of your wedding, your former husband will no longer be your husband, and his claim that he has the "right" to give you away is ludicrous. Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.
Since your daughter doesn't often see her father, she probably won't miss him on your wedding day.
Don't feel guilty for not wanting your ex at your wedding. I have a hunch that one of the reasons you divorced him was his controlling behavior. Don't take the chance that he could do anything to spoil your wedding. Definitely omit him from the guest list.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from the "Cozy Couple in California" who hates single beds, I'm reminded of our first visit to our son and daughter-in-law's newly purchased home.
The guest room was furnished with twin beds. Before retiring, my husband and I maneuvered them together across the short span of hardwood floor.
Trying to get settled, we reached toward each other for a good-night snuggle. The beds parted, and I landed on the floor between the beds. Thank heavens I wasn't hurt.
After a good laugh, my resourceful husband (sadly, now deceased) found his socks and tied the legs of the beds together to make a luxurious king-size bed. -- MARIAN IN LAKE ALFRED, FLA.
DEAR MARIAN: I admire his resourcefulness, and your ability to "bounce back" with humor after hitting the floor.
DEAR ABBY: Is it ever proper for a mother and/or an aunt to walk the bride down the aisle? -- ALL-FEMALE FAMILY
DEAR ALL: Certainly. It's usually done when the father is absent or deceased and no male figure is as close to the bride as the mother or aunt.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a widow who lives in the home she shared with her husband. His will allows her to live there as long as she wishes or until she remarries. At that time, the title will pass to the children from her husband's first marriage.
Some time ago, the stepchildren offered to "buy her out" for a substantial sum. It was a one-time offer, and she did not accept. Now she's taken the position that anyone who marries her must pay her the amount that was offered her.
Abby, I own my own home and would like to marry this woman, but I cannot bring myself to accept her terms. I feel I may as well shop for a wife by catalog, which I would never do.
Please tell me what you think about this. I don't want to be taken advantage of. -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONFUSED: Your lady friend's demand gives new meaning to the term "creative financing." A person who insists on a real estate deal before agreeing to marriage is negotiating a business deal, not a lifetime commitment. My advice: Run for the hills!
DEAR ABBY: I am a brand-new mom, excited about celebrating my child's first birthday. My mother-in-law is an extremely creative person and has decorated all of her grandchildren's birthday cakes. I know she will insist on making the cake and decorating it the way she would like. However, I'd really like to make the cake myself because I'm the mom, and it's my child's first birthday.
There will be a lot of relatives and friends at the party, and I don't want the cake to become an issue. Do I let my mother-in-law carry on her tradition, or would it be OK if I bake and decorate the cake for my child? -- NEW MOM IN OHIO
DEAR NEW MOM: Plan the party, decide on the theme, tell your mother-in-law what the theme of the party will be, and let that wonderful woman do what she does best. Then thank the Lord you have such a generous and creative person in your life. You are fortunate, indeed.
P.S. Ask your mother-in-law to show you how it's done so the tradition doesn't die when she is gone.
DEAR ABBY: Ever since I saw the movie "Schindler's List," I have been curious about why small stones were placed on the grave markers in the Jewish cemetery. I wish it had been explained at the end of the movie, but it wasn't. I'm sure many other people wondered about it just as I did. Can you tell me the reason? -- CURIOUS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CURIOUS: According to Rabbi Bentzion Kravitz in Beverly Hills, there are two reasons -- practical and mystical. Practically speaking, stones signify that someone has visited the grave to honor the deceased. The stones are placed in lieu of flowers, the money going to charity.
Looking at it from the mystical perspective, the body returns to dust, and the soul returns to God.
DEAR ABBY: You periodically print letters about "random acts of kindness," and I'd like to share my experience.
A few years ago I had to use a walker before having hip replacement surgery. A young man in the post office parking lot saw me struggling to get my leg into the car. He ran over, lifted my leg into the car, and went one step further -- he tucked my long coat under my bottom! -- PATRICIA IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PATRICIA: All I can say is, that young man had his HEART in the right place.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Mother in Hampton, Ga.," who told her daughters she would not give her approval for marriage unless they received a one-carat diamond engagement ring, reminded me of a situation in my family years ago.
My sister became engaged to a fellow we all liked very much. My parents hosted an engagement party in their home and invited all their relatives and friends.
The young man had recently been discharged from the Army and had no money -- therefore, there was no engagement ring. At the party, two guests, in critical and judgmental tones, said to my mother, "We don't see a diamond ring on your daughter's finger." Mother smiled and called the young man from across the room. When he came over, she said to the guests, "THIS is our jewel."
My sister and her husband were happily married for more than 45 years. He was successful in his profession. My sister received more diamonds and material things than most wives. -- JERRY IN HUNTINGTON, N.Y.
DEAR JERRY: I admire your mother's values. Predictably, that letter generated more mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The advice given by "Mother in Hampton, Ga.," to her daughters not to accept an engagement ring unless it was at least one carat is blatantly sexist. It is the equivalent of a father telling his son not to marry any woman with less than a 38-inch bust. Such a father would be teaching his son to view women as "sex objects." "Mother" is teaching her daughters to view men as "success objects."
In response to her defense that she's teaching her daughters to focus on how well the man could "provide the necessities," let me share the results of my own research.
Applying the "DeBeers Standard," which suggests that the diamond should equal two months' salary, a one-carat ring will cost an average of $28,125 in the Kansas City area. A man who makes that much in two months will bring home $337,500 per year. Figuring the tax bracket he would be in, the minimum salary "Mother" would accept is $675,000 per year. Granted, that would buy an awful lot of "necessities."
"Mother" may believe she is not teaching her daughters to focus on the ring, but she sure as heck is not teaching them to look at things such as tenderness, companionship or fidelity. I guess Mama figures $675,000 would make for a "comfortable" divorce settlement. -- GEORGE IN RAYTOWN, MO.
DEAR GEORGE: Your letter is a hoot, but your numbers don't add up, at least according to my calculations. Also, I don't know what jeweler you consulted in Kansas City, but according to diamond specialist James Kersey at Harry Winston in Beverly Hills (nothing but the best for my readers), a "very nice" one-carat diamond sells for around $10,000.
DEAR ABBY: My husband works in the construction trade and refuses to bathe more than once a week. He has, at times, gone more than two weeks without a shower.
Am I unreasonable to expect him to shower at least every two to three days? -- SLEEPING ALONE IN OREGON
DEAR SLEEPING ALONE: You are not unreasonable. You're in touch with your sense of smell.
You don't say how long you have been married, but I am amazed that you have been able to live with this. For the sake of his health and the health of your marriage, your husband should schedule personal hygiene on a daily basis.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
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