Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Mother in Hampton, Ga.," who told her daughters she would not give her approval for marriage unless they received a one-carat diamond engagement ring, reminded me of a situation in my family years ago.
My sister became engaged to a fellow we all liked very much. My parents hosted an engagement party in their home and invited all their relatives and friends.
The young man had recently been discharged from the Army and had no money -- therefore, there was no engagement ring. At the party, two guests, in critical and judgmental tones, said to my mother, "We don't see a diamond ring on your daughter's finger." Mother smiled and called the young man from across the room. When he came over, she said to the guests, "THIS is our jewel."
My sister and her husband were happily married for more than 45 years. He was successful in his profession. My sister received more diamonds and material things than most wives. -- JERRY IN HUNTINGTON, N.Y.
DEAR JERRY: I admire your mother's values. Predictably, that letter generated more mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The advice given by "Mother in Hampton, Ga.," to her daughters not to accept an engagement ring unless it was at least one carat is blatantly sexist. It is the equivalent of a father telling his son not to marry any woman with less than a 38-inch bust. Such a father would be teaching his son to view women as "sex objects." "Mother" is teaching her daughters to view men as "success objects."
In response to her defense that she's teaching her daughters to focus on how well the man could "provide the necessities," let me share the results of my own research.
Applying the "DeBeers Standard," which suggests that the diamond should equal two months' salary, a one-carat ring will cost an average of $28,125 in the Kansas City area. A man who makes that much in two months will bring home $337,500 per year. Figuring the tax bracket he would be in, the minimum salary "Mother" would accept is $675,000 per year. Granted, that would buy an awful lot of "necessities."
"Mother" may believe she is not teaching her daughters to focus on the ring, but she sure as heck is not teaching them to look at things such as tenderness, companionship or fidelity. I guess Mama figures $675,000 would make for a "comfortable" divorce settlement. -- GEORGE IN RAYTOWN, MO.
DEAR GEORGE: Your letter is a hoot, but your numbers don't add up, at least according to my calculations. Also, I don't know what jeweler you consulted in Kansas City, but according to diamond specialist James Kersey at Harry Winston in Beverly Hills (nothing but the best for my readers), a "very nice" one-carat diamond sells for around $10,000.
DEAR ABBY: My husband works in the construction trade and refuses to bathe more than once a week. He has, at times, gone more than two weeks without a shower.
Am I unreasonable to expect him to shower at least every two to three days? -- SLEEPING ALONE IN OREGON
DEAR SLEEPING ALONE: You are not unreasonable. You're in touch with your sense of smell.
You don't say how long you have been married, but I am amazed that you have been able to live with this. For the sake of his health and the health of your marriage, your husband should schedule personal hygiene on a daily basis.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
FAMILY'S AGGRESSIVE ACTION RESCUES DAD FROM TRICKSTER
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Worried About Dad in New Mexico," I had to tell you about our year from hell.
My father, a severe stroke victim in his mid-80s, nearly lost everything. A woman half his age tricked him into a phony marriage, and into signing quitclaim deeds on his properties and automobile pink slips. She attempted to raid his checking account, savings account and Social Security.
Abby, your advice to "Worried" to take Dad to a doctor for an examination, and to a lawyer to protect his interests, was excellent, but I would add: Report suspected elder financial abuse to the county adult protective services.
While our experiences are more complex than most, there are common threads in both of them and a course of action families can take.
Many elders experience isolation, loneliness, fear of dependence, fear of financial problems, and the tendency to trust people they don't know.
It may be necessary to be confrontational (the downside risk is small in comparison to what might happen), and, if legal action becomes necessary, go for it with gusto. Be sure your attorney is a litigator; cheats and frauds are not frightened off by paper pushing.
Fortunately, we have been successful in court. I now have conservatorship and the marriage is almost nullified. Because there is still ongoing litigation, please sign me ... CLOSE CALL IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CLOSE CALL: I'm pleased your father's close call has a happy ending. He is fortunate to have been blessed with such caring children.
I urge all friends, relatives and neighbors who suspect an older person is being taken advantage of financially to report it before a tragedy occurs.
DEAR ABBY: We have two adorable grandchildren, ages 8 and 10. They visit us once a week for three hours. We play games, they romp on the lawn, and I make hot chocolate.
For the last three weeks, our son has called at the last minute and informed us that the children have "misbehaved," and their punishment is not being allowed to visit us. When we suggested that he find another form of punishment, he said to leave it up to his judgment as to what will hurt the children most.
Is it fair to use "grandparent bonding" as a punishment tool? -- LONELY GRANDMA AND PA
DEAR GRANDMA AND PA: Not being able to see your grandchildren is punishing you as much as the children. Punishment is not supposed to "hurt" a child; it is supposed to reinforce a lesson. Ask your son to relax the punishment and tell him you will talk to your grandchildren about their "misbehavior" and try to discover the root of it.
DEAR ABBY: Would it be cheating on my girlfriend if I engaged the services of a prostitute? There is no emotional involvement. -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WONDERING: Let me put it this way: Would your girlfriend be cheating if she engaged the services of a male hustler? There's no emotional involvement. Think about it.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Widowed and Divorced Men Make Easy Targets for a Con
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Worried About Dad in New Mexico." She's the daughter of the man who was widowed five years ago. She told you that shortly after her mother's death, her father began dating women about 45 years his junior -- and that he had spent more than $20,000 on those "girls." She said his house had been robbed three times, and the last woman who robbed him had grabbed his wallet and run out of the house topless, where she was met by an accomplice and driven away.
You told her -- in so many words -- that you thought he needed his head examined and possibly a conservatorship.
I can tell you from personal experience that being older and having reduced mental capacity is not the likely reason for her dad blowing money on those young women. It is more likely because he is male and lonely. Men do not take well to losing their spouses, whether because of death or divorce. I know, because I am 44 and have been there.
Soon after my divorce, I would have put up with almost anything to have a companion. I didn't lose money at the level that "Worried's" father did, but then, I didn't have that much to lose. After the third woman "took me," I began to wise up and figured that either my name was being passed around, or someone out there was conducting classes to teach women how to get money out of lonely men.
I should have known better -- not just because I'm smart, but because I'm a counselor for divorced and single fathers with the Missouri-Kansas Chapter of the National Congress for Fathers and Children. I had worked with divorced and single fathers for seven years at the time of my own divorce in 1996.
I agree with you that the man should have both a physical and mental checkup, because depression is very common in men after such events. I am going this week to a mental health facility for a follow-up myself.
Aside from that, the daughter should encourage her father to attend singles events for people his age. I know that this makes her uncomfortable, but if she wants to see her father live for many more years to come, the best medicine right now may be meeting someone new.
Because I believe that all recently divorced or widowed men should have depression testing, you may use my name. -- GEORGE R. McCASLAND
DEAR GEORGE: Thank you for an interesting letter. While you may be right that the father's problem could be loneliness and depression, I was concerned because his daughter reported that despite having installed an alarm system and motion detector, her father's house had been robbed three times, and his credit cards and ID stolen by women he had picked up or their accomplices. I felt he should be evaluated because the next time it happened, he could be injured or worse.
If the man passes muster and reads your letter, perhaps he will be lucky and find the "medicine" that you recommend. I'm not against having fun; I only want him to play safely. Readers, more on this subject tomorrow.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)