For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE FINDS IT HARD TO FORGIVE HUSBAND'S DECEIVING FRIENDS
DEAR ABBY: I have a dilemma. Two years ago, my husband had an affair. We weathered the storm; our marriage is intact. However, the aftershocks keep coming when I least expect them.
A couple my husband and I had befriended when we were first married are being married this fall. During my husband's affair, they covered for him and kept his affair a secret from me. In many ways, they made it easier for him to carry on without getting caught. During this time, they would have nothing to do with me. Even after I discovered the affair, neither offered me any support, and I never received an apology.
Now their wedding festivities are under way, and they are starting to warm up to me again. They have asked my husband to be in the wedding. He wants to throw them a big wedding party, and of course, he will want to buy them an expensive gift.
I grit my teeth thinking about having to play the friendly hostess to two people who betrayed me and whom I have not yet forgiven. I have not told my husband how I feel because I am committed to letting go of the past and not holding this affair over his head. He has been an exemplary husband ever since it ended, but I really want no part of this wedding. Please help me. -- HURT AND ANGRY, AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR HURT AND ANGRY: Considering that the couple aided and abetted your husband in the affair and offered no explanation or apology for their part in it, your feelings are justified.
Before letting the plans for the party go further, tell your husband exactly how you feel about hosting a party for the couple who had a hand in nearly destroying your marriage. If he's expecting you to play hostess, he needs a wake-up call.
P.S. An affair is like an earthquake; it causes cracks in the foundation of the marriage. If you and your husband haven't already done so, schedule some sessions with a marriage counselor. Until you do, the "aftershocks" will continue, and your union could crumble.
DEAR ABBY: I wholeheartedly agree with your answer about how the ashes of a cremated loved one should be handled. You said if it would be comforting to the surviving relatives, a portion could be given to them.
When our youngest son -- an avid skier -- was killed in an auto accident on his way to ski three years ago, we were stunned. One of his friends asked if he could have some of his ashes to spread at a favorite ski run they had enjoyed together. That led to our decision to divide his ashes and place them in vials. After the memorial service, we invited anyone who wished to take some to spread at a special place they had shared with our son, and to let us know where and why they chose their special place. The responses delighted us.
His ashes are spread from Canada to New Mexico; the stories his friends wrote and shared with us are beautiful. We spread some of the ashes in Ohio where his youth was spent, and we took some to Scotland to scatter on his grandmother's grave.
We think he would be very pleased with how we handled this. -- SAD, BUT AT PEACE IN ARIZONA
DEAR AT PEACE: You handled it beautifully -- and I'm pleased it brought you comfort. I have a hunch that the letters you received from your son's friends will be a more meaningful memorial than an epitaph carved in granite would have been.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
CO-WORKER'S CONSTANT CHATTER CAUSES CUSTOMERS TO COMPLAIN
DEAR ABBY: I manage a small branch office with one subordinate, an older man named "Maury." Until I was hired a few weeks ago, he worked for several years with almost no supervision. Now I'm trying to deal with his many bad habits -- the worst being his endless conversation.
Maury chatters away about every conceivable topic -- to me as well as to customers. Not only is his information self-aggrandizing and inaccurate, but it's almost always unwelcome. He ignores all subtle signs to end a conversation, such as the person walking away or saying goodbye. He goes on and on and often follows the customer or me around, interrupting whenever he pleases.
Customers have complained to me about his inappropriate chatter and behavior.
Since Maury and I are the only people working in this office, I must maintain a cordial working relationship with this character, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. My supervisor has left it up to me to "shut him up" and curb his behavior. Please advise me, Abby. -- FEELING ALONE IN THE OFFICE
DEAR ALONE: It's your job to manage Maury, so begin by establishing "visiting time" on breaks only, and see that he sticks to it. You may sound like a broken record, but as many times a day as necessary, emphasize that more work (and less talk) must be the rule during business hours.
DEAR ABBY: A few weeks before my birthday, my husband took me to a local jewelry store. He had me try on beautiful diamond rings and asked me which one I liked best. Then about a week before my birthday I was watching the Shopping Channel. They were showing cubic zirconia rings. My husband walked into the room and said, "Oh, I can do much better than that. Did I tell you that I went shopping today?"
On my birthday I excitedly opened my gift and found a bathrobe! I waited all day for the little box with the beautiful ring. It never came.
My question: Was this a mean, thoughtless trick to play, or am I being a baby? Please answer honestly. -- BIRTHDAY GIRL IN TULSA
DEAR BIRTHDAY GIRL: Have you carefully examined the pockets of the bathrobe? If they are empty, your husband played a dirty trick on you.
DEAR ABBY: I work nights in a small hotel. Quite often, one of our guests stays for long periods of time.
I have developed a friendship with him. We talk a lot when I'm on shift, and he has asked me out for dinner on several occasions. I would love to go, but I'm not sure I should.
Would I be crossing the line trying to mix business with pleasure, or is it OK to have a social relationship with a business contact? He's absolutely adorable, and I'd hate to miss the chance to have a closer relationship.
What do you think? -- JUST ME IN EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR JUST ME: If the man is eligible, and there are no hotel rules against socializing with guests, I see no reason why you can't explore the relationship further. However, before you do, please ask yourself what your degree of embarrassment (or disappointment) might be if the relationship DOESN'T work out as you hope. Is it worth the risk?
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers is being married next month and has invited most of the office to her wedding. I had planned on buying her a gift, but probably won't attend. We are not close. She has been very difficult to work with. She's possibly the most two-faced person I have ever known.
I have overheard this woman putting me down to co-workers, clients and vendors during the entire 4 1/2 years we have worked together. I am seriously considering leaving this company because of her. My supervisor has told me on several occasions that I am "on my own with her."
Today she had the nerve to drop a very broad hint that she would like an office wedding shower. I am this company's office manager, and organizing such an event would be up to me.
I am almost 50 years old, have worked at several other companies, and have never heard of an "office wedding shower." Aside from my strong dislike for this co-worker, I want to do what is correct. What do you recommend? -- AWAITING ADVICE IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR AWAITING: Since your heart isn't in it (and with good reason), don't allow yourself to be maneuvered into arranging a shower. To get yourself off the hook, see if someone she's closer to would care to host a shower for her outside of office hours.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "A Friend in Chicago," who was concerned because a family refused to take their 92-year-old grandmother to the doctor, that there is an agency serving people over 60.
In 1965, the Older Americans Act was enacted by Congress. It allocated funding for numerous "Area Agencies on Aging" across the United States. They are listed in local phone books. They provide resources for transportation, home-delivered meals, respite care, income tax preparation, medication assistance, flu shots, heating and cooling assistance, homemaker services, housing, legal assistance, where to report suspected neglect or exploitation of elderly persons, and more.
They also help coordinate recreational activities, such as senior games: bowling tournaments, track, basketball free throw, golf, shuffleboard, and more. Senior centers across America provide numerous activities and services for both active and homebound seniors. They will, if asked, also provide daily telephone reassurance calls and/or weekly visits to ensure the safety and well-being of the senior in question. -- JENNIFER E. RABALAIS, SOUTHWEST TENNESSEE AREA AGENCY ON AGING
DEAR JENNIFER: I'm sure many people will be surprised and relieved to know that so much help is so close at hand. Thank you for writing.
DEAR ABBY: We are a group of senior women who enjoy dining out.
After a good meal, one of our menfolk likes to seek out the young hostesses, encircle their waists, look deep into their eyes and tell them what a great meal he's had.
What do you think of this behavior? -- DAILY FLORIDA READER
DEAR FLORIDA READER: I think he wants some free dessert.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)