Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers is being married next month and has invited most of the office to her wedding. I had planned on buying her a gift, but probably won't attend. We are not close. She has been very difficult to work with. She's possibly the most two-faced person I have ever known.
I have overheard this woman putting me down to co-workers, clients and vendors during the entire 4 1/2 years we have worked together. I am seriously considering leaving this company because of her. My supervisor has told me on several occasions that I am "on my own with her."
Today she had the nerve to drop a very broad hint that she would like an office wedding shower. I am this company's office manager, and organizing such an event would be up to me.
I am almost 50 years old, have worked at several other companies, and have never heard of an "office wedding shower." Aside from my strong dislike for this co-worker, I want to do what is correct. What do you recommend? -- AWAITING ADVICE IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR AWAITING: Since your heart isn't in it (and with good reason), don't allow yourself to be maneuvered into arranging a shower. To get yourself off the hook, see if someone she's closer to would care to host a shower for her outside of office hours.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "A Friend in Chicago," who was concerned because a family refused to take their 92-year-old grandmother to the doctor, that there is an agency serving people over 60.
In 1965, the Older Americans Act was enacted by Congress. It allocated funding for numerous "Area Agencies on Aging" across the United States. They are listed in local phone books. They provide resources for transportation, home-delivered meals, respite care, income tax preparation, medication assistance, flu shots, heating and cooling assistance, homemaker services, housing, legal assistance, where to report suspected neglect or exploitation of elderly persons, and more.
They also help coordinate recreational activities, such as senior games: bowling tournaments, track, basketball free throw, golf, shuffleboard, and more. Senior centers across America provide numerous activities and services for both active and homebound seniors. They will, if asked, also provide daily telephone reassurance calls and/or weekly visits to ensure the safety and well-being of the senior in question. -- JENNIFER E. RABALAIS, SOUTHWEST TENNESSEE AREA AGENCY ON AGING
DEAR JENNIFER: I'm sure many people will be surprised and relieved to know that so much help is so close at hand. Thank you for writing.
DEAR ABBY: We are a group of senior women who enjoy dining out.
After a good meal, one of our menfolk likes to seek out the young hostesses, encircle their waists, look deep into their eyes and tell them what a great meal he's had.
What do you think of this behavior? -- DAILY FLORIDA READER
DEAR FLORIDA READER: I think he wants some free dessert.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ONE-WAY PARTY INVITATIONS CAUSE HURT FEELINGS IN KIDS
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Brad," is in first grade in a small private school. When birthday time rolls around, I always invite all the kids. They all show up, but when it comes to returning the invitation, some do -- but most don't. Brad is very hurt when he is excluded from their parties. It seems to me that when you accept an invitation, you should reciprocate.
It's not a matter of money, Abby; the parents can afford to invite all the children. One parent told me she lets her son decide whom to invite and she stays out of it. Isn't this teaching a child that bad manners are acceptable and getting along with each other is not important? My child has also wanted to exclude a particular child. I always say, "No one likes being left out."
I know I can't control what other people do, but I hope this letter reminds parents what it was like to be a child. Life isn't always fair, but at least we can teach our kids proper etiquette. -- PERPLEXED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR PERPLEXED: Even more important than teaching children proper etiquette is teaching them empathy for other people. Unless young people are taught respect for the feelings of others, all the etiquette lessons in the world are wasted.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 73-year-old single lady. I've been alone and lonely for 14 years, ever since my husband died. I recently met a man, "Gerald," who is five years younger than me. His wife died a year ago. Our chemistry is wonderful -- he seems to be the answer to my prayers.
So what's my problem? Gerald wears a vial around his neck that contains some of his wife's ashes. While the thought is sweet and touching, it makes me uncomfortable when he is making love to me. He says he cares for me, and I know I care for him. How should I handle this? -- SECOND TIME AROUND
DEAR SECOND: Tell Gerald you don't want his wife's ashes to come between you. So when he's making love to you, he should remove them from his neck and put them in a place of respect -- preferably out of your range of vision. That should do the trick.
DEAR ABBY: Last Easter, an unfortunate incident occurred in our home. I would like to share it with your readers so they won't suffer the heartbreak we did.
Like so many people, I bought an Easter lily for the holiday. My 6-month-old kitten chewed the ends off a couple of the leaves -- and died on Easter morning.
A few days later, I learned from the poison control center that Easter lilies are highly toxic to felines and cause acute renal failure that results in certain death. They are not toxic to dogs or humans.
Several veterinarians were unaware of this plant's toxicity to cats, and my own veterinarian has it listed as a safe plant.
The plant industry should label toxic plants as such on the care labels so that pet owners won't lose a beloved member of their household in such a preventable way as we did. Your animal-loving readers should write to their state representatives and demand that these warnings be made law. -- SUE VON ESCHEN, ROCKFORD, MICH.
DEAR SUE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your pet. Your letter is an important one, because many experts are unaware of the danger Easter lilies can pose to felines. I called the Los Angeles poison control center to confirm what you've written. Cat lovers, listen up!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a funeral where I was shocked at some of the clothes worn and the lack of respect shown. (In 1993, my brother died, and one of my cousins wore a dress in such a bright color it hurt my eyes to look at it. She also wore a ring on every finger.) My curiosity was aroused concerning appropriate funeral attire, so I went to the public library and read everything they had on funerals, as well as Miss Manners and Emily Post. Here is what I found:
1. Don't be late.
2. Wear dark clothes.
3. Don't wear more black than the widow.
4. Wear minimal jewelry (wedding band, tasteful earrings, watch, tie tack).
5. Humor is acceptable as long as it's tasteful and low-keyed.
6. If it's acceptable to the family, exes may attend or serve as pallbearers.
7. Family members only are allowed to sit in the family section. (No exes.)
8. The time for hugs and acknowledgments is when the family is receiving guests at the funeral home or at the cemetery -- NOT as people pass by the coffin to pay their last respects to the deceased.
9. Don't bring babies or unruly toddlers.
10. Don't get up and leave during the service.
I hope this will answer some questions for people, so we can all start to show more respect to the families and to the deceased. -- MARIE IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS
DEAR MARIE: I'm sure your list of do's and don'ts will be of interest to many people. However, I have a personal experience I would like to share with you:
When I was in my 20s, a male contemporary, "Doug," was tragically injured in a boat accident. His injuries were massive and irreversible, and for days his life hung by a thread. Then the inevitable happened and he was gone.
The day before the funeral, I spoke to his girlfriend and asked if she would like to ride to the service with me. When she arrived at my home, she was wearing a bright orange mini-dress. Of course, when we arrived at the chapel for the service, every head turned in her direction, and there were more than a few raised eyebrows. She saw the stares and turned to me with tears in her eyes. "I know they're looking at me because of what I'm wearing," she whispered. "I'm wearing this dress because Doug always loved to see me in it. It was his favorite."
After that, I stopped forming judgments about what people wore to funerals -- and paid more attention to what was in their hearts.
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in September and am faced with a problem. My aunt has asked me if a picture of my grandfather, who recently passed away, may be placed on the altar. The question shocked me. I didn't know how to respond. Is this appropriate? I don't want to make a joyful event depressing. -- BRIDE-TO-BE, NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: It doesn't have to be depressing. Placing a small photograph of your grandfather on the altar would be a sensitive and loving gesture. A short reading could be dedicated to your departed grandfather who is with you in spirit -- a sentimental warm-up for the main event.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)