DEAR ABBY: How can I tell my boyfriend that he is a bad kisser? -- WANTS TO BE TACTFUL
DEAR WANTS: Say nothing negative. Keep the message positive and offer to demonstrate.
DEAR ABBY: How can I tell my boyfriend that he is a bad kisser? -- WANTS TO BE TACTFUL
DEAR WANTS: Say nothing negative. Keep the message positive and offer to demonstrate.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old gay man. After knowing I am gay for more than 15 years, my parents recently announced that my longtime partner and I are no longer welcome in their home. They say that if any of their neighbors found out they have a gay son, they would be outcasts in their community.
Abby, I am devastated. Although they were never totally supportive of my orientation, they have been guests in our home many times and seemed to genuinely like my partner. We are successful people in our community and socialize with an array of civic leaders and wonderful people of all orientations. I am unable to accept the level of shame my parents wish me to bear, and they seem unfazed about dropping me from their lives.
I cannot convince my parents of their folly. They say their decision is final and don't wish to discuss it further. I have spent thousands of dollars in counselling trying to deal with this loss. My siblings tell me that having put my parents through the "horrors" of having a gay son, I should be more understanding of their fears. This has destroyed my relationship with them as well.
I have trouble sleeping at night and would appreciate any advice you can offer. -- HURTING IN HOUSTON
DEAR HURTING: Please accept my condolences for the premature loss of your dysfunctional family. You're not going to change them, and they're not going to change you. Perhaps one day they'll realize their loss and change their minds, but you can't live your life waiting for that to happen. It might help you to remember that sooner or later, every one of us becomes an orphan. Sadly for you, you were "orphaned" sooner than most.
Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying called the "Serenity Prayer." I hope you will commit it to memory and use it as the need arises:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
You now have the opportunity to create your own supportive family through your loving friends and neighbors. The good news is that from your description of the people with whom you socialize, you and your partner are already off to a good start.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a friend from my church passed away. She was 83 years old. I stopped by the funeral home to pay my respects to her and her family.
During my visit, I was completely ignored by family members who were standing around in nearby rooms enjoying animated conversations.
I feel that at least one family member should have acknowledged my presence and that of several others. Should I have interrupted their conversations to pay my respects? -- MOURNING IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR MOURNING: I agree that someone should have taken the time to acknowledge the presence of a new arrival, whether a staff member at the mortuary or a designated family member.
However, since no one did, you could have stepped forward, introduced yourself and expressed your sympathy.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am attracted to one of my college friends. We went out last Saturday night, and I asked if he would like us to be "more than friends." He said, "No. We're graduating in a few months, and I don't want either of us to become 'attached.'"
I asked him if he would like us to be "friends with benefits." You know -- friends who show affection and who comfort each other, with no strings attached. He said OK as long as I promised there would be no repercussions -- then he kissed me. Abby, it was one of those kisses that if I had been standing up, I would have fallen down!
I haven't been able to stop thinking about that kiss. I know we're going our separate ways in a few months, and I think I can protect myself from becoming attached. On the other hand, do you think I am setting myself up for a fall? -- "NO STRINGS" GIRL IN VIRGINIA
DEAR "NO STRINGS": Yes, big time. Don't sample the goodies unless you're willing to risk addiction and withdrawal. You're hoping that the young man will change his mind about you in a few months and give you a commitment. However, what you really would be doing is fulfilling many a young man's fantasy -- a physical relationship with a woman who has no expectations.
Think twice about your "benefit package." Do you really want a broken heart as a graduation gift?
DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my brother to suicide. After many months of depression, medication and trips to a psychologist, life was more than he could bear. It has been very hard the last few weeks dealing with everything that has gone on.
I know people don't mean to be cruel, but when they hear that someone has died, they ask, "How old?" (He was only 43.) Then they say, "Oh, did he have a heart attack?"
It's painful to say, "No, he committed suicide." Now I think I have come up with a good answer that has stopped a few people already -- and it's the truth. My minister suggested I pass it along to you to share with your readers.
A lady at church asked the usual questions, and my response was, "No, he died as a result of severe depression." That stopped her in her tracks. With an embarrassed look on her face, she said, "Oh" and turned and left.
Hope this is a help to others who are faced with the same situation. -- MARY ANDERSON, STILLWATER, MINN.
DEAR MARY: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely loss of your beloved brother. I have said many times that it is impolite to ask the cause of death when extending one's sympathy to the bereaved, because discussing the details is usually painful regardless of how the person died. I think you handled the intrusion extremely well.
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 years old. My ex-boyfriend told one of my friends from sixth grade that he and I had sex. Not only did we NOT have sex, but we never even kissed, and I haven't spoken to him since sixth grade. Should I confront him? -- FURIOUS IN ADRIAN, MICH.
DEAR FURIOUS: Absolutely. And do it publicly. I'd be furious, too.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: A woman in my husband's office buys him gifts. They run the gamut from little personal things to expensive, imported items.
She says they are to thank him for all the times he has listened to her personal problems at work, along with helping her fix things like her car. My husband goes to lunch and out for coffee and smoke breaks with her instead of the men in his office. He has always been open about this.
I have asked him more than once not to be so personally involved with her, but he insists she is "just a friend." Abby, this relationship is hurting our marriage. My husband no longer confides his feelings to me. He saves them for her.
There she is all day looking great and able to share a quiet, oasis-like environment with my husband, while I am at home with three small children and all the chores.
This woman is married with children, too. I'm fuming because I think the extravagant gift-giving is every bit as inappropriate as the relationship. Am I wrong? -- JEALOUS IN JERSEY
DEAR JEALOUS: You and your husband are overdue for a getaway weekend to rekindle the spark. Marriage counseling could also help guide you through the process of reopening the lines of communication between you and your husband. Some changes need to be made in your marriage so that you are not so threatened and you, too, can enjoy more freedom. You'll both be better for it.
DEAR ABBY: I wrote the following note to my 40-year-old daughter:
"Please tell me how we can improve our relationship. It is important that you know how much I want us to have a more normal mother-daughter dialogue. Please tell me what you would have me do and how you want me to go about it. We need to act reasonably, rationally and honestly to resolve our differences. I pray you will agree. It would be so good for both of us."
My daughter replied:
"You already know what to do. I have been asking for the last 10 years. Pay off my old debts with no questions asked. These accounts are 10 years old. I barely get by with my day-to-day expenses. It is obvious that I'll never be able to pay these off myself. So give me the best Christmas and 40th birthday present I could ever have: freedom from debt, and good credit. Once that is done, we will be able to talk about having a better relationship."
Abby, I have helped my daughter financially over the years. She has never invited me to her apartment or prepared me a meal. She has a master's degree in public administration and works for the state.
We have had counseling. I told her I would be happy to pay a financial planner to help her get her life in order, but I would be doing her a disservice by paying her bills. What do you think? -- BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEWILDERED: I think you have raised a daughter whose sense of entitlement boggles the mind. What you received was an extortion letter. I hope you won't give in to her demands. The solution you are willing to provide for her financial problems makes much more sense than bailing her out again. Stick to your guns and do not allow yourself to be blackmailed. Whatever is wrong with your relationship will not be resolved by giving her money.
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