For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandparents Favor the Children Who Treat Them With Respect
DEAR ABBY: I must comment on the letter you reprinted from "Your Son's Wife" about grandparents who don't buy gifts of equal value for their grandchildren. I am a grandfather who would like to treat each of my grandchildren equally, but I don't. Here's why:
One of my daughters-in-law is loving and respectful toward my wife and me as grandparents, has taught her children good manners and, in short, is a joy to all of us.
My other daughter-in-law has done exactly the opposite. Much as we might like to, we do not treat this granddaughter the same as her cousins. Of course, this granddaughter is not responsible for her mother's conduct, but she suffers the consequences in more ways than one. In short, she's spoiled, and it shows.
If a son's wife feels her children's paternal grandparents don't treat her children as well as they treat their cousins, I suggest the son's wife do some soul-searching. Perhaps she'll find the reason lies, at least in part, in the different relationship she and the other son's wife have established with their husbands' parents. -- H.C. IN TAMPA
DEAR H.C.: I hate to see children suffer for the sins of the parents. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My grandmotherly reaction to the letter from "Your Son's Wife" is that many times -- but not in all cases -- sons' wives are the carpenters of their own crosses. Perhaps unintentionally, they don't encourage their children to treat their paternal grandmothers with as much attention and respect as is accorded maternal grandmothers. THIS grandmother finally decided to treat grandchildren as they treat her! -- TOUGH-LOVE GRANDMA, HOULTON, MAINE
DEAR TOUGH LOVE: Please read the reply to H.C. (above). Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a few questions for "Son's Wife":
-- Do you treat your mother-in-law the same as you treat your own mother?
-- Do your children write thank-you notes and show appreciation when they receive gifts?
-- Do you involve your mother-in-law in activities such as school programs?
-- Do your children take care of their toys and clothes, or do they lose pieces and break toys?
-- Do you buy so many things for your children that they cannnot appreciate what others give them?
Perhaps there's a reason for the favoritism. -- ALSO HURTING, MAYFIELD VILLAGE, OHIO
DEAR ALSO HURTING: A parent who has a bone to pick with a child or in-law should verbalize it rather than making the grandchildren bear the brunt of their passive-aggressive anger. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from "Your Son's Wife." For years, we have laughed with our children about not being their grandmother's favorites. We have accepted the fact that being a stepgrandchild brings with it consequences: fewer gifts, less attention and support at events, and less recognition of accomplishments.
Life is not always fair. Sometimes we have to realize that's the way it is and find humor in the situation. Parents will defend themselves and their actions to the end. What we can do is recognize something we don't appreciate in a parent -- AND BE SURE WE NEVER REPEAT IT. -- BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD, ST. GEORGE, UTAH
DEAR BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD: I admire you for your perspective. That's excellent advice.
Desperate Teen Must Seek Out Real World Voices for Advice
DEAR ABBY: I am a teen who self-injures. I cut myself and hurt myself constantly, and I also tried to kill myself. I'm depressed all the time and so stressed it makes me sick. I hear a voice that tells me things, and it says if I tell anyone about it, it will kill me. Please help me. -- DESPERATE IN SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA
DEAR DESPERATE: The voice you're hearing is a symptom of your illness. If you keep secret the fact that you're hearing a voice, the voice will become stronger. The best advice I can give you, and this is from the heart, is to tell your parents or another trusted adult what you are experiencing. Your problems can be overcome, but not without professional intervention. You need medical and psychiatric help right away. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Jamie's Family," about the 11-year-old girl who was killed in an auto accident while reclining in the front seat of the car. I was stunned when I read their letter.
I would like to let that family know that she did not die in vain. Although I don't do it frequently, I have allowed my 11-year-old son to do the same thing. You can be certain I'll never do it again.
A heartfelt thank-you to Jamie's family for taking the time to send a letter that I'm sure was difficult to write. They may have saved the life of at least one other 11-year-old today -- mine. -- GRATEFUL MOM IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GRATEFUL MOM: Several readers have reminded me that new-car operating manuals warn against reclining in the seat while a vehicle is in motion. Although nothing can lessen their grief, I am sure that Jamie's family will find some degree of comfort in knowing they have averted a possible tragedy. Thank you for speaking up.
DEAR ABBY: My parents are in their 80s, in moderately good health, and live a modest lifestyle. They are active and youthful in many ways. We children and grandchildren love them dearly and look forward to spending time with them.
Our relationship is sustained by mutual enjoyment instead of guilt. They have many old friends and constantly make new ones. What is it about my folks that draws people to them? What makes them so popular with people of all ages? Here's the answer:
-- They listen more than they talk.
-- They rarely complain about anything.
-- They show a genuine interest in others by asking meaningful questions without being judgmental.
-- They live in the present, and although they appreciate the "good ol' days," they don't dwell on them.
-- They enjoy young people and recognize that each generation has both good and bad.
-- They are fun and interesting to talk to because they are learning new things and want to share them with us.
-- And finally, they can laugh at themselves. Growing old can be a real grind, but through it all, they find a little humor.
Relationships are a two-way street, and a lifelong endeavor. I hope that when I'm as old as my parents I will be like them. -- LUCKY DAUGHTER IN MINNESOTA
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your parents sound like wonderful people. However, the traits that make them sought after apply not only to seniors, but to people of all ages. So if you want to be the kind of person your parents are when you reach the age of 80, start practicing now.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Eager to Join Fiance, but Son Wants to Stay Put
DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man who lives in a neighboring state, roughly six hours away. We see each other by taking turns driving on the weekends. One weekend he drives here, another I drive there. He has a steady job with a generous salary and a son he would be unable to move because the mother has custody and won't permit it. I have two children, 11 and 3, and want to relocate to his area.
My problem is my 11-year-old son, who insists he wants to live with me but doesn't want to move away. He has never visited the area, but is convinced he will hate it. His father is no help and tells our son he will never get to see his friends or family. I don't feel comfortable letting my son stay here with his father because of his past drug and alcohol abuse, and because he works 14-hour night shifts and lives in a one-bedroom apartment. I don't think he can give our son the time or upbringing he needs.
My son has a great relationship with my fiance, but doesn't want to move to his area. I have insisted my son go and at least give it a chance. This is tearing me apart.
Is it wrong or selfish of me to insist my son go with me when he has expressed that he doesn't want to relocate? -- STUCK IN NEWARK, N.J.
DEAR STUCK: Not at all, considering the alternative of leaving him where you presently live, in the care of a single parent who is absent 14 hours at a crack.
While your son's fears about leaving the familiar and moving to another state are understandable, you cannot allow your child to make this decision for you. Your husband is unable to provide for the boy, and there really is no other choice for him.
Tell your son that you insist he go with you and at least give his new surroundings a chance. Give him your assurance he will see his friends and family, and that he can call and correspond by e-mail. Arrange for his friends to visit in his new home occasionally. And hope that his father will also come to see his son.
If, after one year, your son still "hates" it, promise to discuss what his other options might be.
P.S. If the boy appears to have trouble adjusting, get him counseling immediately.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just returned from a two-day visit at the home of our son and daughter-in-law. They have two guest rooms. Ours is a loving marriage and we like to sleep in the same bed. The room with the double bed was given to our daughter-in-law's widowed mother. We were put in the guest room with two single beds.
No explanation was given as to why we were assigned the room with the two single beds. We felt it was a deliberate choice made by our daughter-in-law, and it hurt us deeply. It made us feel unwelcome in their home.
We would still like to visit them, but are tempted to stay in a hotel next time. Have you any suggestions as to how this should be handled in the future? -- COZY COUPLE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR COZY: I don't think your son and daughter-in-law meant any offense. But don't take this lying down. The next time you plan to visit your son and daughter-in-law, request the double bed. If it is already spoken for, arrange to stay at a hotel where you'll be comfortable.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)