To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Road Rage Can Be Countered by Cutting Others Some Slack
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to apologize to the man I cut off in merging traffic on the interstate the other day.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off. I saw your mouth moving 100 miles a minute and the anger contorting your face. I got back in the other lane as quickly as I could, and I want you to know I was scared to death when you pulled up beside me and started honking the horn. We were approaching a slow-moving semi, and I was terrified you might run me off the road.
You honked for quite a while. I didn't look over because I knew it wouldn't do any good. I knew I had cut you off, and I'm sorry for that, but your forcing me into a dangerous path on the interstate was not safe for either of us. I was afraid if I turned to look at you, you would pull a gun on me or run me into the ditch. I wanted to focus on driving, but instead, I had to concentrate on a car locking me into a lane, honking at me, swearing at me. I was afraid you would damage my car or maybe follow me home.
Both of our actions were dangerous to other people, but there is a difference between them. I cut you off by accident; your reaction was reckless and intentional. The next time you are in a similar situation, I hope you'll extend a little mercy. It would be beneficial not only to the person in my position, but to the rest of the people trying to travel safely on the road. -- GIRL IN THE BLUE CAR
DEAR GIRL: Your letter carries an important message. Incidents of road rage are all too common, and the guilty parties are both male and female. Rudeness on the roadway, overreaction to the careless driving habits of others, immaturity and sheer recklessness are invitations to tragedy. I sometimes think it wouldn't hurt if reciting the Golden Rule were mandatory before being allowed to pass the driving test. That way people would be driving "under the influence" of something positive.
DEAR ABBY: This may top the letter about the couple who invited friends to their anniversary party and used the cash the guests put on their money tree to finance their divorce.
I was recently invited to a bridal shower. The mother wrote on all the invitations, "I have purchased ALL the gifts my daughter would like. So please come to my house to purchase the gifts from me."
How is that for nerve? All of the gifts were expensive. Most of the invitees felt obligated to buy them and did so with great resentment.
The daughter is a spoiled, pretentious brat -- but mother and daughter got what they wanted. I dare anyone to top this one. -- TICKED OFF IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR TICKED OFF: Feeling as you do about the bride and her mother, why did you attend the shower? Are these people you plan on having anything to do with in the future? I'm surprised you allowed yourself to be used that way when you could have "round-filed" the invitation.
P.S. Be careful when you toss down the gauntlet and ask if anyone can top a social gaffe. Someone is usually able to do it.
In Laws' Unsafe Old House Worries New Mother to Be
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are expecting our first child in two months. I have been reading parent and child safety books, and several topics have come up that concern me.
My in-laws live in an old house that appears to be structurally unsafe. It has unusually steep stairwells, peeling paint on the walls that I fear may be lead-based -- and over all, the place is filthy. They also have a dog who has a history of biting people -- myself and my husband included.
Once, a few years ago, my husband and I stayed in a motel rather than with them, and we still haven't heard the end of it!
I am concerned for our child's safety. Is there a nice way of telling my in-laws that we will not be bringing our new baby to their home for visits? (Please don't use my name or location. I have enough grief from my mother-in-law as it is.) -- DISTRESSED FIRST-TIME MOM
DEAR DISTRESSED: There is no "nice" way to tell your in-laws that their house is a health hazard and their beloved pet is a menace. Express your concerns, advise them of your decision, and don't back down.
Your baby's welfare must come first -- and it's your responsibility as parents to protect your child. Invite them to visit the baby in YOUR home -- sans the dog.
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband went into business with a close friend. Since then, he refuses to let me see any financial statements, including the 1099 form used for filing income taxes. He says my wanting to see these records proves I don't trust him.
I love him and want to believe him, but I have my doubts. His partner's wife told me my husband is lying. She says he earns far more than he tells me. I've never seen a payroll stub.
Every week, he gives me money to pay the bills and buy groceries. In turn, I give him "pocket money" for the week -- usually $5 to $10 a day. He says he's glad I take the money because I manage it well.
Abby, why would he lie to me? Shouldn't married people know each other's incomes? -- FEELING UNEASY IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR FEELING UNEASY: Your husband's reluctance to show you financial statements indicates that he doesn't trust YOU with the knowledge of his true financial status. Of course married couples should know where they stand financially.
Refuse to sign any tax forms unless you have reviewed them and understand them completely. You are as liable as your husband is for any inaccuracies or misinformation. If your husband gives you an argument, consult a lawyer.
DEAR ABBY: I have been sworn to secrecy by my husband's 70-year-old grandmother. She was recently diagnosed with emphysema, and she doesn't want me to tell the family.
I am torn because I think my husband and his family should be emotionally and financially prepared. On the other hand, she swore me to secrecy because she doesn't want to be a burden to the family. Please help. -- PERPLEXED IN COLORADO
DEAR PERPLEXED: It's unfair for you to carry this burden of secrecy. Talk to her doctor and ask him or her to encourage Grandma to tell her family the whole truth now.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Sharing a House With Mother Fills Her Daughter With Dread
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 34-year-old mother of four kids, ages 17 to 6. My 9-year-old boy has been raised by my mother since he was 6 months old. I was in the middle of a divorce when he was born. I wanted to give him up for adoption, but Mother would not have it. I usually never let my mother make decisions for me, but in that case, I thought she might be right. My dad, mother and older sister took the baby and moved away.
Three years ago, they all moved back into the subdivision in which I live with my second husband and three other kids. Dad died four months later. My sister (age 50) died the following year. Now my 76-year-old mother -- who does not drive -- depends on my two older brothers and me to get around.
My brothers won't allow Mother to move in with them unless she gives my son back to me, because their children are grown and gone. She said, "Over my dead body." Now she is asking my husband and me to sell our home so we can buy a bigger one with her.
Abby, I'm not sure I can handle my mother living with us, constantly checking on me and my every move. My husband and I like to have time alone. We can't afford to do much, so we let the kids stay overnight with friends so we can have the house to ourselves. Mother told me it's wrong to have sex in the middle of the day, and that I should spend all my waking hours with the kids until they're grown. Only then will I have time alone with my husband. I told her that may have been good for her, but it's not for me.
What do you think? -- TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING
DEAR TRYING: While I understand your mother's firm stance in not "giving back" her grandchild, what she is proposing is a recipe for disaster. Do NOT buy a home with her unless it is a duplex or one that includes a separate mother-in-law unit. Privacy is essential to your marriage, and your mother's ideas, while they may have worked for her, are outdated.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Hurting in New York," I feel compelled to share my story. Her son's wife had died, but "Hurting" didn't attend the calling hours at the mortuary because there had been a falling-out after the family business split up.
Several years ago, my husband and his father also parted ways in business. He spoke to his father only if absolutely necessary. I didn't talk to anybody. A few years later, our son was killed in an accident, and my mother-in-law was one of the first people at our door. She wrapped her arms around me, and we cried together. Many years before, she had lost a son, too, and I knew she understood my pain more than anyone. Our relationship isn't perfect now, but it's much better than it was.
I know "Hurting" was trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation, but times of grief often give us the opportunity to say, "I'm sorry," in more ways than one. -- HEALING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HEALING: Your argument is a compelling one, and you may very well be right. However, I caution people who are trying to bridge a family rift during an emotionally charged situation to be prepared for at least the possibility of another rejection.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)