What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Parents' Public Scoldings Send Kids Wrong Message
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's right for parents to yell at their kids in front of company? It's always over trivial things. I suspect that our friends feel they must show us they're "on the job" as parents.
The problem with these driven, overly critical parents is that their yelling not only embarrasses the children, but also makes us, the visitors, feel awkward. It sends a message to the children that their parents' disciplinary skills are weak, because they use company as witnesses to humiliate them.
I've been tempted to tell our friends, "How about praising your kids once in a while?" Am I right to keep silent? -- NOT-SO-HONORED GUEST
DEAR NOT: No. Remind them of the admirable qualities you see in their children and urge them to praise them as well as criticize.
If parents must discipline children, it should be done privately. For a parent to yell at a child in front of guests carries the same message as a boss who publicly reprimands an employee. It shows a lack of respect and that the person's feelings don't matter -- hardly a recipe for harmony in business or family.
DEAR ABBY: I belong to a women's group that meets monthly. I have known most of the members since high school. Several of them work in the medical profession. More often than not, the conversation turns to their jobs.
They often discuss patients we all know. I'm gutless and do not ask them to stop -- probably because I don't think they would.
I am employed in a government office. We are constantly reminded not to breach confidentiality. I wouldn't dream of naming names.
Abby, it is important that personnel working in medical offices be reminded of their patients' right to privacy. I am sending my own doctors a letter reminding them to add this topic to their next staff meeting. -- TOO MUCH INFO IN INDIANAPOLIS
DEAR TOO MUCH INFO: That's an excellent idea. It's a topic that belongs on the agenda of any business that deals with sensitive information. A breach of confidentiality could have serious repercussions not only for the client, but for the employer as well.
DEAR ABBY: My mother has been widowed for five years. Less than a year ago, her cousin "Betty" passed away. Mom has become close to Betty's husband, "Boyd." She is trying to keep her feelings a secret, but it is becoming apparent that she is more involved with him than she wants to let on.
I am uncomfortable with the relationship because she and Betty were so close when they were growing up. They were like sisters.
Mom said she didn't want to tell me how close she was to Boyd, because she knew I would not approve of the relationship. I don't. She insists that although it is sad when someone passes on, life goes on.
Abby, am I nuts? How should I feel about this situation? -- UNCOMFORTABLE DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your mother is absolutely right. You should be happy for her and her new love. They are hurting no one. Please don't rain on their parade any further.
Sniffing Household Products Is Dangerous Way to Get High
DEAR ABBY: Please lend your powerful voice to one of the most overlooked substance abuse problems in America and assist us in launching National Inhalants and Poisons Awareness Week, March 18 to 24, 2001.
Your readers already know about the dangers of alcohol-impaired driving, underage smoking and drinking, and illicit drug abuse. But I wonder how many mothers and fathers understand that their kids are also at risk from common household products not usually associated with drug abuse.
Nail polish remover, airplane glue, bleach, paint, kerosene and many other products can cause serious health problems when children and adolescents use them to get high.
Sniffing or "huffing" (inhaling through the mouth) can induce effects ranging from temporary headaches to long-term brain damage or even death. Younger children, who may experiment out of curiosity, are the most likely inhalant abusers. They do not understand that ordinary products may be dangerous if used for something other than the intended purpose.
Abby, please ask parents to teach their children that sniffing and huffing are dangerous. Adults must be alert to missing household products and soaked rags, bags or socks. It is important for parents to inform kids that inhalant abuse is harmful, unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
Knowing what your children are doing, who they hang with, and making arrangements for them to participate in supervised after-school activities are also important steps grown-ups can take to prevent youth substance abuse.
Readers who want help or additional information should call the Department of Health and Human Services' national clearinghouse at 1-800-788-2800 and and request a parenting skills brochure. Our multilingual Web site is www.theantidrug.com.
Thank you, Abby, for your leadership during this year's campaign, and for all you do to help your readers enjoy safe, healthy lives. -- EDWARD JURITH, ACTING DIRECTOR, OFFICE OF NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY, WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR MR. JURITH AND PARENTS EVERYWHERE: I am pleased to help and to urge parents to support your campaign to discourage children and teens from heedlessly risking their health. With close to a million new inhalant users a year and 5 percent of eighth-graders reporting inhalant use in the past 30 days, there's cause for concern.
Whether innocently or intentionally misused to get high, everyday products -- and less common ones such as "laughing gas" -- are no laughing matter.
I'm troubled to hear that only one-fourth of America's children have what one study calls "hands-on" parents -- parents who have established rules and expectations for their teens' behavior, and who monitor what their teens do and where they are during evenings and weekends. That one-fourth of our youth are at one-quarter the risk of smoking, drinking and using drugs as those with "hands-off" parents.
It is vital that parents take an active role with their kids, so that their youngsters refrain from abusing inhalants and other dangerous substances. Introducing them to the tantalizing fumes of a good, home-cooked meal is an excellent place to start. Children are like flowers. They blossom in the sunshine of interested, involved parents.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 ($9 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Husband Happy in Farmhouse Couldn't Move to Townhouse
DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from "Living Single in Des Moines," the bride of three months who still lives apart from her husband because he refused to get rid of the "filth and clutter" so she could move in.
My husband was also a farmer. I was a city gal. For the first five years of our marriage he lived in the farmhouse, and I lived in town 50 miles away. We finally built a house in a town near him. He had a difficult time deciding to go ahead with the construction. During the construction, he wanted to quit and leave the house unfinished. My college-age son and I completed the inside of the house.
My husband delayed moving in as long as possible. He was never happy there and constantly harped on selling it, which we finally did. I moved back to the city. He returned to his old farmhouse, which is filthy and filled with clutter, rodents and bugs. He has a space heater in one room for the entire house and the water is contaminated, but this is where he wants to be.
I spent countless hours trying to clean up the farmhouse, but he didn't like it that way.
If I had been smart, I would have gotten an annulment right away as you suggested to the bride, because this type of man does not change. That poor woman is setting herself up for years of heartache. -- KNOWS BETTER NOW (ALSO FROM IOWA)
DEAR KNOWS BETTER NOW: When I advised the disillusioned bride to talk to an attorney about an annulment, I thought I might catch some flak from readers. Interestingly, not one of the many people who commented on that letter disagreed with my answer. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Good for you! You told "Living Single" to get an annulment after marrying a man who reneged on his promise to clean up his cluttered, dirty home so they could live together. You are so right. She should run to the nearest lawyer.
I am on my second marriage -- now 10 years in duration -- to a junkaholic. My first husband encouraged me to take a job in a distant city, but when he saw that the apartment I found was large enough for our family but not for his broken lawn furniture, flat-tired bicycles and rusting tools, he made a U-turn on the next plane home and divorced me.
The man who became my second husband seemed much more intelligent and reasonable (he is much more successful than my first). I thought he'd surely see that the relocations involved in getting promoted in his field would be much more work if we hauled around every piece of paper, every warped record, every broken chair he had in college. I was wrong.
If "Des Moines" finds the clutter jarring now, wait tilL it has a few years to marinate. A guy who does nothing about the mess now never will. And time ensures it will only get worse.
I probably should get counseling to find out why I keep marrying men who would be happier living in a Dumpster, but I won't. I'm too tired to remarry. I hope that poor woman takes your advice. -- BURIED IN WEST PALM BEACH
DEAR BURIED: So do I. While help is available for obsessive-compulsive disorders, the first and most obvious step in resolving a problem is admitting there is one and seeking help. Since living with his bride of three months isn't incentive enough for the man, I see little, if any, happiness ahead for her with him.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)