To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Ex Wife's Poor Parenting Raises Godfather's Concern
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I divorced 11 years ago. We had no children together. However, for the past eight years -- since the birth of her son -- we have lived together. I love the boy with all my heart and soul. Although I am not his biological father, I am his Catholic godfather, and most definitely his "dad."
His mother and I do not have a good relationship. If it were not for this little boy, I would not want to be around her. She sleeps with him in his bed each and every night -- and often bathes with him. She is sometimes nude; other times, she wears a bikini.
Abby, my concern is for my "son." I am turning to you for help. The counseling my ex-wife and I received from a doctor of psychology didn't help, because she rejected the advice. Things around here have become so volatile, I am desperate for any suggestion you can offer. -- BEYOND WORRY
DEAR BEYOND WORRY: Most experts in child development think that as boys and girls reach the age when they become curious about sex, sleeping and bathing nude with a parent of the opposite sex is unhealthfully stimulating.
However, if your former wife won't listen to you, and ignores a Ph.D. in psychology, she's not likely to accept advice from me. Perhaps the problem will resolve itself when the boy is old enough to tell his mother to find other sleeping arrangements.
P.S. All three of you could benefit from family counseling.
DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, you received a letter from Prisoner No. 711895. Today, you are reading a letter from "Mark," a proud and productive member of society. I am not proud of my past, but I have made positive changes in my life.
I have worked at the same job since I was released from prison six years ago. I am now one of the top managers in the company. My children see a father who is not perfect, but willing to talk about mistakes and learn from them. My parents see a son who has finally grown up. They tell me they are very proud of me.
Abby, I want you and others to know I am not letting the fact I carry the stigma of being a felon define me. I am a man who works hard, takes care of his family and has learned from his mistakes. I am proud of who I am today. -- MARK IN SEATTLE
P.S. Last month I had coffee with the officer who arrested me eight years ago. I thanked him for saving my life.
DEAR MARK: I salute you. You are living proof that with hard work and determination, rehabilitation is an attainable goal after release from prison. I hope that people who are currently incarcerated will see your letter and realize that one day, they, too, can become productive members of society.
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago you published a letter from "Proud Mom," who had a child out of wedlock. The father supports the child financially, but does not see him. She wondered if she should tell the parents of the child's father they had a grandson. You opened the advice up to readers, but I haven't seen the results of this important question. Did I miss a column? -- ANOTHER PROUD MOM IN FLORIDA
DEAR ANOTHER PROUD MOM: No, you didn't -- and thank you for the reminder. The response I received from readers was a virtual tie. Half of those who wrote felt "Proud Mom" should keep her mouth shut. The other half believed she should inform the grandparents that they have a grandson, and let them choose whether or not to have a relationship with him. Belated thanks to the hundreds of you who responded.
DEAR ABBY: I empathize with "Not a Millionaire," who is barraged with charitable appeals. Last year, I received 14 boxes of greeting cards and 11 calendars sent by charities, along with six to eight appeals a week in my mail.
Even more annoying are the charity solicitation calls -- usually right in the middle of dinner. I have set my answering machine to state my phone number and, "We welcome all calls except charity appeals and product/or service solicitations." This stops them, and they hang up. I hope this suggestion will help him. -- CONNIE S., PASADENA, CALIF.
DEAR CONNIE: Your hint to put the message on your answering machine is a good one. If it doesn't help "Not a Millionaire," I'm sure it will help another reader. In some states, the "We do not accept calls from solicitors" message is offered by the phone company as an optional add-on. Unfortunately, that isn't the case in California. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The answer to being solicited to death by charities is simple -- send money orders. You have a copy for your tax records, and the charity doesn't have enough information to put you on a donor list. I've done it for years. It works like a charm. -- NO LONGER BOMBARDED IN FLORIDA
DEAR NO LONGER BOMBARDED: Clever idea. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I work for a nonprofit organization. May I make a suggestion? Cut off a mailing label from the solicitation you received and mail it to the charity, requesting that your name be removed from their mailing list. Then make your yearly donation to them -- WITH THE REQUEST THAT THEY NOT ADD YOUR NAME TO THEIR MAILING LIST.
We appreciate all donations but don't wish to offend anyone who doesn't wish to hear from us regularly. We always comply with requests that names be removed if we're provided with all the information needed to remove the name. -- HAPPY TO COMPLY, PA.
DEAR HAPPY TO COMPLY: Would that all charities be so cooperative. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I feel for "Not a Millionaire." In an effort to solve this problem, I tried an experiment in the first six months of last year. My system worked and continues to work. My "unwanted mail" has been reduced by 80 percent to 90 percent.
(1) Purchase a rubber stamp that says, "Please remove this name and address from your mailing list." Approximate size: 1 inch by 1/2 inch. Approximate cost: $7.
(2) Open every request for donations. If you do not want to make a donation or hear from them again, take your rubber stamp and stamp the request in several places in the area containing your name and address.
(3) Place the request in the envelope provided and return it to them.
(4) Do not put your name and address on the outside of the envelope.
(5) Be consistent and persistent.
It may take several months before you see results. I had to notify some organizations more than 10 times before they got the message. Many send solicitations from more than one address. -- SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR
DEAR BEAR: You're not only smarter than the average bear, but you're also more patient.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girl's Invitation to Dance Turns Friend Into Stranger
DEAR ABBY: I know you don't get many letters from 12-year-old girls, but something has been bothering me for the past five weeks, and I thought maybe you could help me.
My school had a dance three weeks ago. I've had a good friend for four years, and I asked if he wanted to go with me. He said no. Since he said no, I have been devastated. Not because he said no, but because since that time when I pass him in the hall at school, he won't look at or talk to me.
It doesn't matter if we ever go out on a date. All that matters is that we once again become the good friends we were before I asked him to the dance. If I could tell him I'm sorry in front of a million people, I would. I wish we were good friends again. -- FEELING LOW IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR FEELING LOW: Be patient. The boy was probably embarrassed because he is socially awkward. Continue to smile and say hello when you see him in the hall. In a few years, his hormones will kick in, and he'll catch up to your level of maturity.
DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and pregnant. My boyfriend and I have made the heartbreaking decision to place our son for adoption. We reached this decision because we want to make sure this child has everything he needs and deserves.
My boyfriend's mother feels we are taking "the easy way out" and not accepting responsibility for our actions. Abby, we have definitely found nothing "easy" about choosing adoption. We want his mother's support in our decision and want her to realize we ARE being responsible by giving our son the best life possible, and her attitude has deeply affected my boyfriend and me.
Please ask your readers to support their children's decisions, regardless of personal feelings. Parental support is worth more than words can say. -- HEARTBROKEN IN OHIO
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your boyfriend's mother's attitude will affect you only as long as you let it. Please do not allow her to make you feel guilty for the decision you have made. You and your boyfriend made a deeply personal choice that only the two of you could make. If it is of any comfort to you, I support you in your decision.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old single woman. While growing up, my father physically threatened me, and verbally abused me with insults, put-downs and vulgar language. My mother and I haven't had anything to do with him for 15 years.
My father is now very ill and doesn't have long to live. He leaves me angry voice-mail messages because I refuse to take care of him.
Abby, am I being a bad daughter for not wanting to subject myself to his abuse? -- NEEDING HELP IN MARYLAND
DEAR NEEDING HELP: Definitely not. Give your father the name of a licensed attendant-care agency in his area. They are listed in the telephone yellow pages. Attendants are trained to handle the needs of ill and disabled people.
Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself from a man who obviously hasn't changed in the last 15 years.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)