For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Ruins Girls' Friendship by Failing to Take a Stand
DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old woman who has been acting like a catty teen-age girl. My daughter "Erica" has been best friends with "Alexa" since preschool. Both girls are now in high school. Alexa has blossomed into a beautiful girl, while my Erica is a rather plain Jane. Alexa always has a boyfriend. Erica has never had one. When Alexa is around, Erica is invisible to boys. They call her only to ask about Alexa.
Alexa's boyfriend wanted to make her jealous, so he broke up with her and began flirting with Erica. I knew what was going on, but I allowed it to happen. Just once, I thought, maybe a boy will notice Erica and see how special she is. Maybe this time she will get the boy.
Well, his plan failed. He couldn't get Alexa back, so he began spreading vicious rumors about her. (You know, the kind of rumors boys like to spread about girls.) Since we had been close for so long, people came to me to ask if the rumors were true. By not denying them, I implied that the rumors were true. I helped him to tarnish her reputation.
I guess I thought if Alexa looked bad, Erica would look better. He soon tired of his game and moved on, leaving Erica without a boyfriend and also without a best friend. Alexa eventually moved on to new friends.
I am so ashamed of what I did. I would do anything to fix it. What should I do? -- ASHAMED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR ASHAMED: There's an old saying, "The authenticity of a painting is like a lady's virtue. Once questioned, it is never quite the same again." Short of admitting what a terrible thing you did to an innocent young girl, there isn't much you can do to repair the damage you allowed to happen. By failing to help your daughter see that she is special in her own way, and that her chance for popularity will come when young men begin to appreciate qualities that are more than skin-deep, you let both girls down.
Alexa has gone on and made new friends who accept her for who she really is. I'm particularly sorry for Erica, who has lost her best friend. I advise you to schedule some sessions with your spiritual adviser for yourself, and a psychologist who can suggest some healthy ways to build your daughter's self-esteem.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 10 years. We have a happy marriage except for one problem -- he insists on having his friend over every weekend. When I ask him if we can please have a weekend to ourselves, or if he can ask his friend to leave early (midnight instead of 3 a.m.), we end up in a fight.
Abby, this has been going on for several years. I love my husband very much, but I'm fed up with this situation. Am I wrong for wanting to spend a weekend alone with my husband and children? -- NOT HAPPY SHARING HUBBY
DEAR NOT HAPPY: This has been going on for years? You have been incredibly tolerant. Your husband either feels sorry for his friend, or he's getting something from him that you and the children are unable to give him. Either way, you and your children are being left out in the cold.
Professional marriage counseling for you is a must. If your husband won't go, go alone. It will help you find the root of this unusual situation.
Safety Tips From Police Help Kids Stay Out of Harm's Way
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice to "Concerned Knoxville Mom," who would like to scare her latchkey daughter into not opening the door to strangers. However, I have a better solution.
Mom should take the girl for a frank chat with a police officer who can relate actual horror stories. Perhaps arrangements could also be made for a police officer to address a school assembly occasionally on the topic of personal safety. The police would much rather prevent crimes than solve them. -- ROGER LEONARD, BOWIE, MD.
DEAR ROGER: That's a terrific idea. I love it when readers help each other. I'm sorry I didn't think of it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the mother who allows her 10-year-old daughter "Amber" to stay home alone after school. If that mother would walk in my shoes for just one day, she would immediately abandon the practice. I am an emergency department nurse who has seen horrors occur to 10-year-olds who were left unsupervised.
I have tried frantically to blow life back into a 10-year-old boy who plunged into the icy water of a pond after he attempted to walk across too-thin ice. I have held the hand of a 10-year-old girl during an exam after she was brutally gang-raped by neighborhood teen-agers. I have heard the screams of a 10-year-old boy whose body was 100 percent burned in a raging house fire. I don't think I need to go on.
I realize children have different levels of maturity, but we must never forget that they are indeed children. How difficult would it be for "Concerned Mother" to find a teen-ager who would be willing to earn a few dollars to be with Amber for a few hours after school?
Some states have laws that prohibit children under a certain age being left alone. In Pennsylvania, the age is 12. If Amber were here in Pennsylvania, the "concerned" Knoxville mother would be arrested.
Please print this so that some parent who may not have considered all the consequences of leaving a child alone may see it. If it saves just one child from injury, it will be worth it. -- MORE CONCERNED IN YORK, PA.
DEAR MORE CONCERNED: I like your idea of getting a teen-ager to stay until the mother returns from work. If she has not already done so, the mother should also look into organized after-school activities for children of working parents.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Tired of the Roots in Pennsylvania," about her boyfriend's fetish for women with blond hair, I'd like to throw in my 2 cents:
Many years ago (I am now 86), I had a blind date with a supposedly nice man. We went to a concert in a park. While we were walking up a hill, he went a little haywire when he noticed a blond woman walking about 10 feet ahead of us. He speeded up, and in order to keep pace, so did I. As soon as we got ahead of her, he turned around to look at this "blond goddess" and found himself staring at a woman who was close to 90! It proved how true is the saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover."
If my poor blind date had been wearing false teeth, they surely would have fallen out! Needless to say, our first date was our last. -- GRAY-HAIRED GRANNY, LAGUNA HILLS, CALIF.
DEAR GRAY-HAIRED GRANNY: Perhaps the saying should be modified to: Don't judge a book by its front -- or back -- cover. The lesson your date learned holds true today: Flowing tresses do not necessarily mean a lovely young maiden is beneath them.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Tax Preparer Urges Parents to Leave Deductions at Home
DEAR ABBY: I have been preparing tax returns for 15 years. In all this time, I have seen many people from all walks of life. My pet peeve is people who bring their children with them when they have us prepare their taxes. I have had children unplug my computer, spill drinks on my desk, run around as if my office is a play school -- and their parents do nothing to discipline them. I find it impossible to concentrate when a child is screaming or crawling under my desk.
People have 3 1/2 months to get their taxes done. During that time, I know they could find a baby sitter for a few hours. It would make my job so much easier.
My job is stressful. I will do no less than 500 tax returns between now and April 15. Often people must wait for hours in our office just to be seen. In that environment, children become very restless. We are more likely to make a mistake if we have to baby-sit children while figuring taxes.
So, Abby, PLEASE inform your readers to leave their kids at home. If necessary, exchange baby-sitting services with a neighbor, relative or friend while you get your taxes done. It could result in a larger refund, less time spent, and everyone being a lot happier. -- TAXED TAX PREPARER
DEAR TAXED: Your comments make a lot of sense, and I'm sure you're not the only tax preparer who faces this problem. Business offices are not set up to accommodate young children, regardless of how well behaved they may be. Active children cannot be expected to sit silently for long periods of time as adults can. Not only is it unfair to the little ones, it can also be a nightmare for adults who are trying to work.
If parents heed your advice, everyone will benefit.
DEAR ABBY: I am 26-year-old woman and my best friend is 42. Her husband is insanely jealous when we do anything together. He's even jealous of me because I can make her laugh! He picks fights with her when we decide to do something -- he throws things, squeals his tires in the driveway, calls us lovers (which we are not), anything to get attention.
I am always on my best behavior when I'm at their house so as not to cause any trouble. This situation is not only frustrating, but it's making it difficult to remain friends. This has gone on for four years, and I don't know how much more I can tolerate. Abby, could you please point me in the right direction? -- AT MY WIT'S END, ALMA, MICH.
P.S. I don't think he's going to get therapy for this anytime soon.
DEAR WIT'S END: Your friend's husband is counting on the idea that his outrageous behavior will drive you away. If you haven't already done so, talk with your friend about how childish and controlling his behavior is. His attempt to isolate her friends is a form of abuse. Since it has reached the point of exceeding your level of tolerance, schedule your visits away from her home.
P.S. It's sad this man won't consider therapy. He needs it. Your friend could benefit from counseling, too, in order to understand why she tolerates his behavior.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)