What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Stepdad Insists That Teen End Her Refusal to Kiss and Tell
DEAR ABBY: My second husband, "Peter," is overly protective of my daughter. "Joy" is 15, very pretty, and popular with both girls and boys. Joy has no contact with her biological father. She calls Peter "Dad."
The problem is, Peter feels that if Joy kisses or holds hands with a boy, she should tell him (Peter) all about it right away.
I have talked to Joy about sex. She understands the facts of life. She says she is not interested in sex. She wants to go to college and doesn't want to "end up" with a baby, and have "no life."
I feel Peter is wrong not to trust her, and Joy feels the same way. I have mentioned this to friends. They say that if he doesn't trust her, he will lose her respect and she will pull away. They have a close relationship now. I hate to see it ruined because he is so distrustful.
Recently, Joy had friends over for a party, and she did kiss a boy. When Peter found out, he had a fit. He claims she lied to him because she didn't tell him right away.
Joy and I feel it is none of his business. She didn't do anything wrong. I've told her she can talk to me any time about anything, and she says she will. She also said she thinks it would be better for her to meet her male friends at her girlfriend's house so her stepfather won't question her every time a boy comes to our house.
I said no to that. What do you think, Abby? -- MARRIED TO AN OVERPROTECTOR
DEAR MARRIED: Your husband is not overprotective. His preoccupation with his stepdaughter's interest in boys is unhealthy.
Peter may be jealous, and amy fantasize about having sex with his stepdaughter, or he may remember how he used girls when HE was a teen-age boy.
Ask your daughter if Peter has ever approached her in a sexual way and made her promise to keep her mouth shut.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I hope that children of all races everywhere will not assume that everything has come about solely because of one man's generosity. But rather they know that all people within a country contribute to its growth. I hope they work toward the betterment of their country and not contribute to its downfall, and that they realize that all people are brothers and sisters, and no people can live without the other for long." -- ANDREW L. JORDAN (1932-1991)
DEAR READERS: Andrew Jordan was an extraordinary African-American schoolteacher, the son of sharecropper parents in rural Mississippi. After serving as a "colored soldier" in the early 1950s, he got his higher education with financial assistance from the GI Bill and realized his dream of teaching. When it became known he was a civil rights activist, he lost his job and became unemployable in his home state.
All of this -- and much more -- is detailed in his biography, "Civil Rights Childhood," beautifully written by his daughter, Jordana Y. Shakoor. This excellent firsthand account of the civil rights struggle is now in its second printing, published by University Press of Mississippi. It is available in bookstores everywhere. It is a sobering reminder that the freedoms many of us take for granted came at a very high price.
WOMAN'S CRIPPLING PAIN ENDS AFTER YEARS OF MISDIAGNOSIS
DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in hope that other women won't have to experience the years of pain that I did.
As a teen-ager, I began to experience disabling pain when I had my period. It got worse in my 20s. Although I didn't realize it then, I was suffering from endometriosis, and eventually the pain affected my life on a daily basis.
I lost a lot to this disease. I was in graduate school, but couldn't keep up because the pain caused me to miss class, and in the end, I had to drop out. I was fired from a job for taking too many sick days. I lost the love of my life because he couldn't handle my constant pain and the resulting depression, nor the effect on our sex life. For years I couldn't even plan social events, because I never knew when the pain would get too bad. Endometriosis took away my choices.
I consulted doctors and tried many different treatments. Many of the doctors trivialized my symptoms. While there is no cure yet for endometriosis, I have finally been successfully treated, and I'm no longer living with pain.
I now lead the life I always wanted. I'm successful in my job and enjoy my friends and family. I hope any girls or women who read this and identify with my experience will seek help. Their pain is not normal, and they do not have to live with it. -- KAREN IN VIRGINIA
DEAR KAREN: I'm glad you wrote. I have known several women who suffered debilitating pain with their menstrual cycles -- and I'm pleased to reinforce the message that it's NOT "part of being a woman."
Endometriosis is a serious disease that affects more than 5.5 million girls and women in the United States and Canada, yet many are unaware that they have it.
My experts tell me the most common symptom of endometriosis is pelvic pain that may have a monthly pattern and may interfere with the ability to perform daily activities. Other common symptoms are: fatigue or exhaustion; pain during or after sex; lower backache during menstruation; painful bowel movements, diarrhea or other stomach upset during menstruation; stomach bloating and swelling; and heavy or irregular periods.
If women experience symptoms such as the ones I have described, they should seek help. Pain is NOT normal. It is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong.
One of the most distressing things about endometriosis is that it often takes women years to get an accurate diagnosis. Studies show it can take more than 4 1/2 years for girls and women with endometriosis to report their symptoms to a doctor!
The Endometriosis Association has been helping women and girls for more than 20 years. Because March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, the association is sponsoring a nationwide program of free screenings. Their new self-test, which uses five "yes" or "no" questions, can be found on the Internet at www.killercramps.org.
Volunteer doctors are also offering free endometriosis screenings. To locate a physician in your area, call 1-800-992-3636.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen With Plenty of Questions Can't Get Any Answers at Home
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl with a big problem. Today, when my father and I went to the supermarket, I saw a book that looked interesting. It was called "How to Win at Love." I picked it up not because I was having a problem with my love life -- I don't even HAVE a love life -- but I am curious about "love," so I read a few pages and decided to buy it. My dad saw the title and got mad at me. Then one of my sisters started treating me like I was a freak. Now, I'm scared my dad and sister will tell my mom, and then Mom will be mad, too.
My mom has told me I shouldn't have a boyfriend until I'm finished with school. How am I supposed to tell her I was only curious? I know they both think I'm too young to have a boyfriend, but that's not it. The book isn't about guys and marriage. It's about changing yourself and being in charge of your own life.
It's not my fault I'm curious about love. It's because my parents won't talk about it with me. Every time I ask something about it, they say, "Why do you want to know? Do you have a boyfriend?" I hate that. What hurts most is knowing if I can't talk to my parents about love, what CAN I talk to them about?
Right now, I don't want to talk to my parents about anything! Lots of things happen in my life that I wish I could talk to my parents about, but I guess I can't. The only people I feel safe talking with are my friends.
Abby, what should I do about my parents? Please help me. -- NO COMMUNICATIONS IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR NO COMMUNICATIONS: Of all the problems about which people write, yours may be one of the saddest. Your parents think by not talking about certain subjects, they can "protect" you. They fail to realize that what they are doing is isolating you. If you are afraid to talk to your parents for fear of being criticized or ridiculed, how can you learn their values and share in their knowledge? How unfortunate.
While it may seem "safe" to talk to your friends, the problem is they usually don't have any more life experience than you.
It is important that you find an adult in whom you can confide and from whom you can get straight answers when you need them. Perhaps a trusted teacher, a school counselor or the mother of one of your friends could fill that role. No child should have to go through his or her teen-age years without an adult to guide the way when the going gets rough.
DEAR ABBY: I appreciated your tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Because of his courage, and that of Mahatma Gandhi before him, we see more clearly how it is possible to elevate the consciousness of humankind by how we choose to live. The principles of nonviolence by which these men lived were based on the teachings of all great religions -- not just Christianity. The message that both Gandhi and King gave their lives for was one of unity, not separation or exclusion.
People like these men never die. Though their bodies were assassinated, their spirits live on in everyone who tries to be nonviolent. May we as humans learn from their fine example. -- JANNA CABLE PIJOAN, FORT COLLINS, COLO.
DEAR JANNA: I agree. It's ironic that men who taught the principles of nonviolence and patterned their lives according to those principles died so violently.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)