Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Friendship Is on the Rocks Over Case of Wedding Wine
DEAR ABBY: My new husband and I had a beautiful wedding and reception in our home last September. We left our home with the caterers and their staff to clean up and clear out our guests. Two of the wedding guests took it upon themselves to invite our families and other friends to their home after the reception. We considered it a nice gesture since we were leaving the next day for our honeymoon and had said our goodbyes to everyone.
Upon our return from our honeymoon, we learned that the couple had also taken it upon themselves to remove a case and a half of wine from our home! Several people, including the caterers, saw them take it. This couple also became intoxicated and were quite rude to the family and friends they invited to their home. My husband and I feel violated. They have never mentioned taking the wine.
What is the appropriate thing to do in a situation like this? We're not sure we want to continue a relationship with a couple who stole from our home. Please advise. -- VIOLATED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR VIOLATED: Your friends appear to have an alcohol problem. They probably felt that since they were entertaining your guests and the wine was left over, you wouldn't mind if they used it. They may not have considered what they did to be stealing. If they have been close friends in the past, give them the benefit of the doubt this time.
DEAR ABBY: I love my boyfriend dearly. He's my soul mate. However, he does something that really bothers me. He goes into my e-mail and other messaging systems. He claims it's to "protect me." (I am 50-plus and can take care of myself!)
If he's looking for signs of cheating, he will never find them. I don't cheat. I have nothing to hide from him. He knows my passwords and can log onto my PC whenever he wants. When he does, he's been known to misconstrue messages and get upset over them. This creates long, tearful discussions about why I didn't tell him this or that.
Abby, this is driving me crazy. Please help. -- CONFUSED VIRGINIAN
DEAR CONFUSED: Your "soul mate" is extremely insecure and controlling. Healthy relationships are based on trust. By invading your privacy and forcing "long, tearful discussions," he is putting you on the defensive. He's not trying to "protect you"; his demands to be told everything are control techniques.
Change your password to "takeahike!" Don't let him intimidate you -- make it clear you deserve your privacy. If he refuses to change, delete him from your life. You'll be doing yourself a big favor.
DEAR ABBY: Some months ago, you printed a letter from a reader who was disturbed that the spark was gone from her marriage. I asked my husband if the spark was gone from our 18-year marriage.
His response: "A spark lasts only a second. It lights a fire. When the flame burns down, we are left with the hottest part of the fire, the embers, which burn the longest and keep the fire alive."
I'm fortunate to have a great guy with a great mind. -- BETTY IN CAPE MAY, N.J.
DEAR BETTY: Your husband is wise indeed. He's right that the embers (mature love that outlasts the spark of infatuation) provide the glow that sustains committed relationships. The spark is only the beginning. Perhaps that wife should bask in the warmth of the embers instead of fretting over the missing "spark."
Truth About Dad's Birth Opens Wound That May Never Heal
DEAR ABBY: My father was born 50 years ago, and only learned the truth about his birth in the last few years.
The woman he always believed was his mother was, in fact, his grandmother. His older "sister" was really his mother. She was 16 when she became pregnant by a young soldier who denied responsibility.
His grandmother, a strong-willed woman, took his mother to another state and pretended she had given birth. She was deeply ashamed of her daughter, and went to great lengths to carry out the plan. She wrote letters home to relatives informing them of her "surprise" pregnancy -- even describing her terrible morning sickness.
Abby, my father has been estranged from both women since learning the truth. My great-grandmother is 88 years old. I pray that our family can be healed before it's too late. Dad is angry, betrayed and bitter. He refuses to discuss the matter, much less forgive. The saddest part is that some family members have told me they knew the truth all along, but kept silent.
His grandmother felt the charade was the only thing she could do under the circumstances. However, this kind of deception reverberates through several generations. -- SECRETS ARE DANGEROUS IN NEW YORK
DEAR SECRETS: I feel sorry for everyone involved in this fiasco. Your grandmother was trying to protect her daughter's reputation, because in 1950 being unmarried and a mother was considered a disgrace to the girl and her family. She was trying to protect your father, too, by bringing him up when her daughter couldn't, and from the knowledge that he was born out of wedlock.
He should have been told the truth more than 30 years ago. But family secrets sometimes have a life of their own, and she probably couldn't find the words by the time he was an adult.
That your father is bitter and hurt because he was lied to about his history is understandable. However, some sessions with his clergyman or a therapist might help him to let go of his anger and forgive the deception -- before it's too late.
DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement between me and my fiance. Several of his co-workers have had weddings recently, with more to come. It is their practice to invite only their co-workers, stressing that no spouses or significant others are invited. This is not true of their other guests, only their co-workers. I have heard they believe the people from work are not as much fun when their spouses or dates are around.
All these weddings have been in halls with light buffets or appetizers and cash bars. They are always held at night with a DJ and dancing. They are not formal.
My fiance's co-workers are almost all female. Therefore, he's the only dancing partner for 10 to 15 women who are without their husbands or boyfriends.
I think this practice is extremely rude. My fiance believes it is their prerogative and the "modern" way of doing things. What do you think? -- STEAMED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR STEAMED: People usually limit their guest list because of budgetary concerns. Your fiance is correct that it's the host's privilege to issue such an invitation. All the same, to invite only half of a committed couple (a spouse or fiance) to a wedding where there's music and dancing is a breach of etiquette. To quote the lyrics of Irving Berlin, he should be able to "change partners and dance" -- with you if he wishes.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Dad Urged to Take the Offense in Blocking Ex Wife's Boyfriend
DEAR ABBY: "A Dad in a Dilemma" wrote that his ex-wife informed him she's moving in with a registered sex offender, and he's concerned about sending his girls to stay overnight with her. Your advice to not let his daughters stay at their mother's house was correct.
I am a police detective in a sex crimes unit. Probably 90 percent of our sexual assault victims are children. Sex offenders, especially those who victimize children, have a very high rate of recidivism. Additionally, many child sex offenders are prohibited from having ANY contact with children under the age of 10 and can be arrested if they do so.
"Dad" can contact his local law enforcement agency or the man's probation officer to determine whether the man is allowed to have contact with minor children. Even if there is a custody arrangement which states that his ex-wife gets to see their daughters, he should contact the attorney and do everything possible to keep the girls from having any contact with this man. He should not rely on his ex to provide the proper supervision, as she has already shown a severe lack of judgment in exposing her other child to this risk. -- POLICE OFFICER IN COLORADO
DEAR POLICE OFFICER: Thanks for adding your expert opinion to my original advice. "Dad in a Dilemma's" letter generated a flood of mail from alarmed readers. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I work with an attorney who handles the legalities when children are removed and detained by child protective services. We have a number of cases where children were removed from one parent because of socialization with sex offenders.
"Dad" should research this person's criminal background. If he can't get the full history, he needs to get the local law enforcement or child protective services agency involved. -- A WORD TO THE WISE, CRESCENT CITY, CALIF.
DEAR WISE: A helpful suggestion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You were right telling "Dad" not to let his daughters visit his ex-wife. No sex offender should have such easy access. Even though the mother might be present in the house, sex offenders need only a moment to satisfy their twisted urges.
"Dad" would be wise to notify the court that issued the custody award for the daughters of the changed circumstances and to seek an immediate modification of the visitation. (This is in case the ex-wife wants to exercise her visitation rights despite the obvious risks.) A modification of the decree would prevent such a problem.
If "Dad" can't afford a lawyer to get the change made, most state bar associations have a list of attorneys who will work "pro bono" (for free), and many attorneys, once aware of the circumstances, will help because they are parents also. -- AN ATTORNEY WHO CARES
DEAR ATTORNEY: I am sure your advice about "pro bono" legal services will be of interest to many people. Thank you for it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I know what can be lost if "Dad's" daughters end up in the clutches of this registered sex offender who was convicted of aggravated assault on a 10-year-old.
The fact is, the ex-wife's new boyfriend is a danger to "Dad's" girls. He should insist that his ex sign a legally binding document that visitations NEVER occur in the company of her boyfriend. Period. If she refuses, he should take it to court. "Dad's" daughters must be protected from their mother's bad choices. -- STILL SURVIVING IN L.A.
DEAR SURVIVING: How true.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)