Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Women Now Carry Their Own Weight as Funeral Pallbearers
DEAR ABBY: Although I read your column daily, I have never had a reason to write until now. I read the obituaries and have noticed that lately there are female pallbearers listed. Is this proper, or should it be a man's role? I always thought that men were supposed to do it. I'm sure other people wonder about this, too. -- VICKI IN JOPLIN, MO.
DEAR VICKI: In the days when coffins were actually carried, it required strong men to lift them. However, today the coffin is placed on a church "truck," and it's perfectly acceptable for women to be pallbearers.
In early America, it was the women who cared for the dead. It was they who bathed and shrouded the body for burial. In a sense, women are now taking their rightful place again by acting as pallbearers. It is much better when family members of both sexes physically participate in funerals. Doing so can be therapeutic. Twenty years ago morticians were mostly men. Today, 40 percent of graduating morticians are women, according to the Funeral Consumers Alliance. Instead of being ghoulish, the business is becoming "girlish."
DEAR ABBY: My husband of almost 25 years presented me with a beautiful diamond heart necklace for Valentine's Day. Now I am trying to decide if I should keep it.
Several years ago, he had a "female friend." One of the things that hurt most was finding out that he had bought her expensive jewelry. Among the items was a diamond heart pendant.
When I opened the gift, all I could think about was her. Should I explain to him that, although the necklace is very beautiful, it brings back painful memories? Are men really this dense? -- CRYING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CRYING: Apparently your man is. Dry your tears and tell him, as tactfully as possible, that while you are grateful for the gift, his selection has painful associations for you. The two of you should return it and select something more appropriate.
DEAR ABBY: I am a professional woman marrying another professional woman. We have lived together for two years and are able to communicate very well. We are growing and changing beautifully as partners.
Because it is not legal in the state where we live, we will be going to Vermont for a private ceremony. My question: How do we approach the wedding reception with those family members who are not "comfortable" with it? We don't want anyone to feel slighted, but at the same time, we don't want to deprive those members of the family who offer support and take joy in our union. Do we invite everyone and just see who shows up? -- NEEDS TO KNOW
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Send invitations to everyone you would like to have at your reception, including those who are not comfortable with your union. If they don't wish to attend, they will decline. You already know some of them will not welcome this marriage, but extending the invitation will show them that you want to encourage close family relationships. And you may be surprised that some of them may put aside their misgivings in the interests of family unity.
Man Asked to Prove His Love Is Warned by Readers to Flee
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "On the Spot in Florida," whose girlfriend announced her requirements for an engagement ring. You said it showed she was more interested in what she could get than in the man.
That may be so; however, I have two daughters, and I told them early on that when they received a marriage proposal to inform their suitor their mother would not give her approval unless they received at least a 1-carat diamond engagement ring.
My reason was not to teach my girls to focus on the ring, but on the willingness of the suitor to sacrifice in order to buy the ring, his willingness to strive toward a goal for the one he loves. Let's face it, if the man couldn't come up with a way to provide such a ring prior to marriage, how could he be counted on to provide the necessities once they have children? -- MOTHER IN HAMPTON, GA.
DEAR MOTHER: Your take on this was in the distinct minority. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "On the Spot" should run, run, RUN and never look back. He's the current joke with his "girlfriend" and her friends. She wants to see how many hoops she can make him jump through in the "relationship game." I know. It's a game my girlfriends and I all played. The common strategy: Make demands early in the relationship when a guy's emotions are running high, and you're likely to get whatever you ask for.
OK, "On the Spot": You have now been tipped off by a pro. I hope you'll see you're being played before you make a financial investment. The emotional investment you have already made will hurt you and affect your future relationships.
I no longer play the "game," and I wish I never had. -- GUILTY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR GUILTY: If confession is good for the soul, I hope yours will also help that naive young man see the truth about his "Sweetie." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: That piece of 32-year-old "eye candy" won't be that way in another 15 years, but she'll still be a gold digger. She's not in love with him; she's in love with being beautiful and what it can bring her. Let someone else be the high bidder, then she'll be his problem, not yours. There are plenty of women out there who would appreciate a fine man, regardless of the size and shape of the diamond. Run, fella, run -- and count your blessings that you found out early about her. -- STEVE IN TUCSON, ARIZ.
DEAR STEVE: Spoken like a man who had a narrow escape of his own. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Tell "On the Spot" to watch out for the words "prove your love." When a man says that, it usually means he requires sex from a woman before he'll propose. Then he will disappear into the night, and she's left sans proposal.
With a woman, it can mean something different. I'll lay dollars to doughnuts that "lady-love" will accept the proposal and the ring, and then five days later break the engagement and refuse to return the ring. The alternative is even worse -- he could marry her.
Please tell him there are easier ways to get from being "On the Spot" to "Sadder but Wiser." He should drop her immediately. She's poison. -- A WOMAN WHO'S SEEN TOO MUCH, PINE BUSH, N.Y.
DEAR SEEN TOO MUCH: Thanks for adding to the chorus. If "On the Spot" isn't warned by now, there's no hope for him. Thanks to all of you readers who took time to write such heartfelt letters.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Must Hang Tough With Neighbor Who Hangs Out
DEAR ABBY: My husband likes to spend time in our garage working on projects, cleaning his boat, etc.
Our problem is that almost every time he's out there, a married female neighbor comes over to "hang out" with him. It used to be she'd come over only when I was at work, but lately she comes knocking on our door even when I'm home, wanting him to go outside to converse with her.
When I answer the door, she asks for him and won't tell me what she wants. Sometimes her whole family comes over, which includes her two "monster" children and her husband. They stay till all hours and have even gotten drunk in our driveway.
My husband is not interested in this woman, Abby. In fact, he's becoming more and more annoyed with her. If he's working in the garage and sees her starting across the street, he'll close the garage door and hurry into the house.
He doesn't seem to be able to discourage this woman from coming over every time he is outside. Jealousy is not the problem, although I am becoming increasingly angry about it. She does the same thing to another married man across the street. He, too, is getting fed up with her.
I would like to solve this problem by addressing our neighbor face-to-face. Have you any advice on what I could say to her without causing a rift? Since we live across the street from each other, I do not want any animosity. -- HAD ENOUGH OF THE NEIGHBOR LADY
DEAR HAD ENOUGH: Your neighbor never learned the importance of proper boundaries, and I have a hunch she won't listen if you attempt to tell her. Your husband can't hide from her -- that's no solution. He must be the one to tell her that he wants to devote his full attention to his projects, and therefore she must give him his privacy.
DEAR ABBY: The wife of an elderly neighbor recently died. She was the one who did the driving, but since her death, the husband has been driving himself. I have seen him drive, and believe me, he should not be behind the wheel of a car at all. He is all over the road and drives much too fast. More than once, I have seen his car in the driveway with fender damage.
I called the Department of Motor Vehicles. They told me they have no mechanism by which you can anonymously complain and have a person retested. It has to come from a family member or physician. He has no family that I know of, and I'm not comfortable confronting him. I would feel terrible if he was in an accident and injured himself, or worse, someone else, which is bound to happen sooner or later.
Do you have a suggestion? -- WORRIED IN ATLANTIC CITY
DEAR WORRIED: Don't confront him. DO ask him if he knows the name of a good doctor, and pray that he refers you to his. Then telephone or write the doctor and tell him or her exactly what you have told me.
Another thought: It is possible that your neighbor is driving erratically because he is simply out of practice, his wife having been the designated driver for so long. If that's the case, AARP offers an excellent refresher course for senior drivers. Consider suggesting it to him as lightheartedly as you can.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)