What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Must Hang Tough With Neighbor Who Hangs Out
DEAR ABBY: My husband likes to spend time in our garage working on projects, cleaning his boat, etc.
Our problem is that almost every time he's out there, a married female neighbor comes over to "hang out" with him. It used to be she'd come over only when I was at work, but lately she comes knocking on our door even when I'm home, wanting him to go outside to converse with her.
When I answer the door, she asks for him and won't tell me what she wants. Sometimes her whole family comes over, which includes her two "monster" children and her husband. They stay till all hours and have even gotten drunk in our driveway.
My husband is not interested in this woman, Abby. In fact, he's becoming more and more annoyed with her. If he's working in the garage and sees her starting across the street, he'll close the garage door and hurry into the house.
He doesn't seem to be able to discourage this woman from coming over every time he is outside. Jealousy is not the problem, although I am becoming increasingly angry about it. She does the same thing to another married man across the street. He, too, is getting fed up with her.
I would like to solve this problem by addressing our neighbor face-to-face. Have you any advice on what I could say to her without causing a rift? Since we live across the street from each other, I do not want any animosity. -- HAD ENOUGH OF THE NEIGHBOR LADY
DEAR HAD ENOUGH: Your neighbor never learned the importance of proper boundaries, and I have a hunch she won't listen if you attempt to tell her. Your husband can't hide from her -- that's no solution. He must be the one to tell her that he wants to devote his full attention to his projects, and therefore she must give him his privacy.
DEAR ABBY: The wife of an elderly neighbor recently died. She was the one who did the driving, but since her death, the husband has been driving himself. I have seen him drive, and believe me, he should not be behind the wheel of a car at all. He is all over the road and drives much too fast. More than once, I have seen his car in the driveway with fender damage.
I called the Department of Motor Vehicles. They told me they have no mechanism by which you can anonymously complain and have a person retested. It has to come from a family member or physician. He has no family that I know of, and I'm not comfortable confronting him. I would feel terrible if he was in an accident and injured himself, or worse, someone else, which is bound to happen sooner or later.
Do you have a suggestion? -- WORRIED IN ATLANTIC CITY
DEAR WORRIED: Don't confront him. DO ask him if he knows the name of a good doctor, and pray that he refers you to his. Then telephone or write the doctor and tell him or her exactly what you have told me.
Another thought: It is possible that your neighbor is driving erratically because he is simply out of practice, his wife having been the designated driver for so long. If that's the case, AARP offers an excellent refresher course for senior drivers. Consider suggesting it to him as lightheartedly as you can.
Husband's Surprise Strategy Sends Message Loud and Clear
DEAR ABBY: I worked the day shift and my wife worked the night shift in a hospital. My "buddy" (I'll call him Ralph) worked the night shift along with her.
Ralph was married, with a young wife and baby. I had never met the wife. After a few months, I realized there was hanky-panky going on between Ralph and my wife. Neither of them suspected I knew.
I was going to make a big fuss and confront them, but realized that people who cheat also lie through their teeth to save themselves. I could have punched Ralph out and thrown my wife out of the house, but I remained calm. Instead, I invited Ralph and his wife to dinner at our home. Next, I told my wife that we were having "surprise" dinner guests.
When the doorbell rang, she ran to answer. When she saw Ralph and his wife, her mouth fell open and for once she was speechless. She remained that way most of the evening as his innocent, cute little wife chatted on about her wonderful marriage and baby and hubby. Ralph and my wife hardly said a word. They appeared very uncomfortable the whole evening.
They both got my message without my firing a shot or his wife being hurt. Ralph went into another line of work two weeks later. -- SKINNED A CAT IN DAYTONA BEACH
DEAR SKINNED A CAT: I'm pleased your story had a happy ending -- for you. Now that you have "skinned the cat," it's time for you and your wife to adopt similar work schedules and begin rebuilding your marriage that became sidetracked. It's not enough to stop the straying; unless you confront the issues that caused it, it could happen again.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "A San Diego Widow" and had to respond. My husband of nearly 35 years passed away a few months ago. Needless to say, it has been the most devastating loss I have ever experienced.
Within a couple of weeks of his death, a piece of the emerald in my wedding ring broke. The insurance company sent me to a wonderful jeweler to make repairs. I brought along my husband's wedding band, thinking he could make it smaller so I could wear it. Instead, he suggested that he make a heart out of it and, after replacing the stone in my wedding ring, take the broken stone and reshape it into a teardrop hanging from the center of the heart.
I now wear this simple yet beautiful heart next to my own combined with the original stone from my wedding band. Its emotional value is priceless. I never take it off and feel that part of my husband is always with me. -- ONE OF MANY FLORIDA WIDOWS
DEAR ONE OF MANY: What a touching story. And the fact that the stone within the heart is "broken" speaks volumes. Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband.
DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. I was married last August; my wife has an 8-year-old daughter who still sleeps with her. Have you any suggestions about how to get her daughter to sleep by herself without making this child feel abandoned or neglected? -- LONELY HUSBAND IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR LONELY: Yes. Get her an adorable puppy to sleep and snuggle with. That way, she won't be alone.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My "Aunt Agnes" has a very annoying habit. She calls me and says, "Hi, what are you doing?" The salutation may seem innocent enough, but my Aunt Agnes expects a specific answer. If she doesn't think what you're doing is important, she'll have something for you to do for her -– such as make a delivery or run an errand. In other words, the person must stop whatever he or she is doing to do something for her.
Aunt Agnes is not a bad person. But when the phone rings and I hear her voice on the other end of the line, I know I must come up with an excuse or she'll put me to work. If I happen to be relaxing when she calls, even if it's not important to her, the excuse should be good enough. However, this is not usually the case. Aunt Agnes passes judgment on the activity and proceeds to "order" me to do something for her.
The more I encounter this, the more annoying it becomes. When the phone rings and she asks, "What are you doing?" I am tempted to say, "Nothing for you!" But I would feel guilty if I said it. Do you have any advice? -– EXHAUSTED IN WOODBRIDGE, N.J.
DEAR EXHAUSTED: Yes. While your reaction to your aunt's self-centeredness is understandable, in the interest of family harmony, refrain from making a snappy comeback. Be warm, polite and frank with her. If she asks you to do something that's an imposition, tell her it's not convenient at this time and don't apologize. When she realizes that you, too, are an adult with a busy schedule, she will find someone else to impose upon.
DEAR ABBY: I'm so glad you printed the "acts of kindness" letter from Barbara P. in Dana Point, Calif., about the teen-agers who warned her about her flat tire on the freeway.
I own a condo in a large congregate living facility. The residents eat in a dining room overseen by a staff of three mature adults. However, teen-agers and young adults show us to our tables and bring us our meals. Many of them are still in high school or attend a local community college.
To be frank, some of the girls' makeup and hair color can be startling, and not all the boys keep their cummerbunds neat around their waists. They all wear jewelry in places we would never have imagined –- but they are wonderful to have around, and do an excellent job.
Some of them tease us a little and laugh with us. When they tell us about their lives, it is always good. There are a few fuddy-duddies here who do not feel as I do, but I try to stay clear of them.
As for you, Abby, I appreciate your down-to-earth attitude. I like the letters you choose, because at my age, I usually have something to compare them to. -– S.R.K., WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.
DEAR S.R.K.: Bless you for your kind words. I suspect most of the people who read my column do so because they identify with the writers who pour their hearts out.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)