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Husband's Surprise Strategy Sends Message Loud and Clear
DEAR ABBY: I worked the day shift and my wife worked the night shift in a hospital. My "buddy" (I'll call him Ralph) worked the night shift along with her.
Ralph was married, with a young wife and baby. I had never met the wife. After a few months, I realized there was hanky-panky going on between Ralph and my wife. Neither of them suspected I knew.
I was going to make a big fuss and confront them, but realized that people who cheat also lie through their teeth to save themselves. I could have punched Ralph out and thrown my wife out of the house, but I remained calm. Instead, I invited Ralph and his wife to dinner at our home. Next, I told my wife that we were having "surprise" dinner guests.
When the doorbell rang, she ran to answer. When she saw Ralph and his wife, her mouth fell open and for once she was speechless. She remained that way most of the evening as his innocent, cute little wife chatted on about her wonderful marriage and baby and hubby. Ralph and my wife hardly said a word. They appeared very uncomfortable the whole evening.
They both got my message without my firing a shot or his wife being hurt. Ralph went into another line of work two weeks later. -- SKINNED A CAT IN DAYTONA BEACH
DEAR SKINNED A CAT: I'm pleased your story had a happy ending -- for you. Now that you have "skinned the cat," it's time for you and your wife to adopt similar work schedules and begin rebuilding your marriage that became sidetracked. It's not enough to stop the straying; unless you confront the issues that caused it, it could happen again.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "A San Diego Widow" and had to respond. My husband of nearly 35 years passed away a few months ago. Needless to say, it has been the most devastating loss I have ever experienced.
Within a couple of weeks of his death, a piece of the emerald in my wedding ring broke. The insurance company sent me to a wonderful jeweler to make repairs. I brought along my husband's wedding band, thinking he could make it smaller so I could wear it. Instead, he suggested that he make a heart out of it and, after replacing the stone in my wedding ring, take the broken stone and reshape it into a teardrop hanging from the center of the heart.
I now wear this simple yet beautiful heart next to my own combined with the original stone from my wedding band. Its emotional value is priceless. I never take it off and feel that part of my husband is always with me. -- ONE OF MANY FLORIDA WIDOWS
DEAR ONE OF MANY: What a touching story. And the fact that the stone within the heart is "broken" speaks volumes. Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband.
DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. I was married last August; my wife has an 8-year-old daughter who still sleeps with her. Have you any suggestions about how to get her daughter to sleep by herself without making this child feel abandoned or neglected? -- LONELY HUSBAND IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR LONELY: Yes. Get her an adorable puppy to sleep and snuggle with. That way, she won't be alone.
DEAR ABBY: My "Aunt Agnes" has a very annoying habit. She calls me and says, "Hi, what are you doing?" The salutation may seem innocent enough, but my Aunt Agnes expects a specific answer. If she doesn't think what you're doing is important, she'll have something for you to do for her -– such as make a delivery or run an errand. In other words, the person must stop whatever he or she is doing to do something for her.
Aunt Agnes is not a bad person. But when the phone rings and I hear her voice on the other end of the line, I know I must come up with an excuse or she'll put me to work. If I happen to be relaxing when she calls, even if it's not important to her, the excuse should be good enough. However, this is not usually the case. Aunt Agnes passes judgment on the activity and proceeds to "order" me to do something for her.
The more I encounter this, the more annoying it becomes. When the phone rings and she asks, "What are you doing?" I am tempted to say, "Nothing for you!" But I would feel guilty if I said it. Do you have any advice? -– EXHAUSTED IN WOODBRIDGE, N.J.
DEAR EXHAUSTED: Yes. While your reaction to your aunt's self-centeredness is understandable, in the interest of family harmony, refrain from making a snappy comeback. Be warm, polite and frank with her. If she asks you to do something that's an imposition, tell her it's not convenient at this time and don't apologize. When she realizes that you, too, are an adult with a busy schedule, she will find someone else to impose upon.
DEAR ABBY: I'm so glad you printed the "acts of kindness" letter from Barbara P. in Dana Point, Calif., about the teen-agers who warned her about her flat tire on the freeway.
I own a condo in a large congregate living facility. The residents eat in a dining room overseen by a staff of three mature adults. However, teen-agers and young adults show us to our tables and bring us our meals. Many of them are still in high school or attend a local community college.
To be frank, some of the girls' makeup and hair color can be startling, and not all the boys keep their cummerbunds neat around their waists. They all wear jewelry in places we would never have imagined –- but they are wonderful to have around, and do an excellent job.
Some of them tease us a little and laugh with us. When they tell us about their lives, it is always good. There are a few fuddy-duddies here who do not feel as I do, but I try to stay clear of them.
As for you, Abby, I appreciate your down-to-earth attitude. I like the letters you choose, because at my age, I usually have something to compare them to. -– S.R.K., WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.
DEAR S.R.K.: Bless you for your kind words. I suspect most of the people who read my column do so because they identify with the writers who pour their hearts out.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Son Who Moves in With Dad Insists Mom Save His Place
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old son, "Mike," chose to move in with his father four months ago. He made this decision on his own. My lawyer advised me that he was old enough to make the decision, and that any judge would allow it, so I let him go. His father and I have been divorced for seven years. I am remarried, and besides Mike's 14-year-old sister, have a 5-year-old daughter with my new husband. Mike is extremely jealous of the 5-year-old.
We are severely cramped for space in our home and our 5-year-old's bedroom is ridiculously small -– in fact, we call it a "glorified hallway." Now Mike's room is sitting empty except for every other weekend when he visits. We would like to move our 5-year-old into Mike's vacant room; however, Mike is absolutely livid about it. He says it is "still his room," and he doesn't want anyone going into it when he's not there.
We could really use the space, Abby, but I don't want to push Mike further away. He says he is happy living at his dad's, but I am not so sure. I suspect that his insistence on keeping his room vacant is his way of making sure he has somewhere to go if things get bad at his dad's.
If we move our daughter into the empty room, we will still have somewhere for Mike to sleep when he comes for the weekend, as we have a sofa bed.
Should I go ahead and move my daughter into the empty room, or let Mike keep his "security blanket"? I feel that it is MY home, and I should do as I please. However, he is my son, and I love him and don't want to put any more distance between us. –- NO VACANCY IN INDIANA
DEAR NO VACANCY: If you give Mike's room to his sister, he truly will have no place to go if things don't work out at his father's. He will feel that you have slammed the door behind him, and it may affect the way he feels about you for years to come.
Your little girl is small, and she is used to the room in which she is now sleeping. Let the accommodations remain as they are for another six or seven months to be sure your son doesn't change his mind.
After that, review the situation. If he is still living primarily at his father's, remind him that it has been a year since his departure and that you feel, in fairness, the child who is living with you should have the space. He may not like it, but unless he's entirely irrational, he will have to agree with the logic.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think about a man who refuses to be called Grandpa or Grandad?
My husband is 55 years old and has taught our three young grandchildren to call him "Mr. Dan" (his first name).
He says he cannot abide any form of "grandfather," because it makes him feel like an old man. I am disgusted by his vanity. We are expecting two more grandchildren this year.
What do you think about this? – HOPING TO CHANGE HIS MIND IN NEW YORK
DEAR HOPING: Your husband, surrounded by mounting evidence of his advancing age, appears to be obsessed with youth. If he thinks he can keep Father Time at bay by insisting the grandkids call him something other than "Grandpa" or "Grandad," he's kidding only himself.
Don't beat your head against a stone wall. Until your husband is ready to see this for himself, no one can change his mind.
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