For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My "Aunt Agnes" has a very annoying habit. She calls me and says, "Hi, what are you doing?" The salutation may seem innocent enough, but my Aunt Agnes expects a specific answer. If she doesn't think what you're doing is important, she'll have something for you to do for her -– such as make a delivery or run an errand. In other words, the person must stop whatever he or she is doing to do something for her.
Aunt Agnes is not a bad person. But when the phone rings and I hear her voice on the other end of the line, I know I must come up with an excuse or she'll put me to work. If I happen to be relaxing when she calls, even if it's not important to her, the excuse should be good enough. However, this is not usually the case. Aunt Agnes passes judgment on the activity and proceeds to "order" me to do something for her.
The more I encounter this, the more annoying it becomes. When the phone rings and she asks, "What are you doing?" I am tempted to say, "Nothing for you!" But I would feel guilty if I said it. Do you have any advice? -– EXHAUSTED IN WOODBRIDGE, N.J.
DEAR EXHAUSTED: Yes. While your reaction to your aunt's self-centeredness is understandable, in the interest of family harmony, refrain from making a snappy comeback. Be warm, polite and frank with her. If she asks you to do something that's an imposition, tell her it's not convenient at this time and don't apologize. When she realizes that you, too, are an adult with a busy schedule, she will find someone else to impose upon.
DEAR ABBY: I'm so glad you printed the "acts of kindness" letter from Barbara P. in Dana Point, Calif., about the teen-agers who warned her about her flat tire on the freeway.
I own a condo in a large congregate living facility. The residents eat in a dining room overseen by a staff of three mature adults. However, teen-agers and young adults show us to our tables and bring us our meals. Many of them are still in high school or attend a local community college.
To be frank, some of the girls' makeup and hair color can be startling, and not all the boys keep their cummerbunds neat around their waists. They all wear jewelry in places we would never have imagined –- but they are wonderful to have around, and do an excellent job.
Some of them tease us a little and laugh with us. When they tell us about their lives, it is always good. There are a few fuddy-duddies here who do not feel as I do, but I try to stay clear of them.
As for you, Abby, I appreciate your down-to-earth attitude. I like the letters you choose, because at my age, I usually have something to compare them to. -– S.R.K., WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.
DEAR S.R.K.: Bless you for your kind words. I suspect most of the people who read my column do so because they identify with the writers who pour their hearts out.
Son Who Moves in With Dad Insists Mom Save His Place
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old son, "Mike," chose to move in with his father four months ago. He made this decision on his own. My lawyer advised me that he was old enough to make the decision, and that any judge would allow it, so I let him go. His father and I have been divorced for seven years. I am remarried, and besides Mike's 14-year-old sister, have a 5-year-old daughter with my new husband. Mike is extremely jealous of the 5-year-old.
We are severely cramped for space in our home and our 5-year-old's bedroom is ridiculously small -– in fact, we call it a "glorified hallway." Now Mike's room is sitting empty except for every other weekend when he visits. We would like to move our 5-year-old into Mike's vacant room; however, Mike is absolutely livid about it. He says it is "still his room," and he doesn't want anyone going into it when he's not there.
We could really use the space, Abby, but I don't want to push Mike further away. He says he is happy living at his dad's, but I am not so sure. I suspect that his insistence on keeping his room vacant is his way of making sure he has somewhere to go if things get bad at his dad's.
If we move our daughter into the empty room, we will still have somewhere for Mike to sleep when he comes for the weekend, as we have a sofa bed.
Should I go ahead and move my daughter into the empty room, or let Mike keep his "security blanket"? I feel that it is MY home, and I should do as I please. However, he is my son, and I love him and don't want to put any more distance between us. –- NO VACANCY IN INDIANA
DEAR NO VACANCY: If you give Mike's room to his sister, he truly will have no place to go if things don't work out at his father's. He will feel that you have slammed the door behind him, and it may affect the way he feels about you for years to come.
Your little girl is small, and she is used to the room in which she is now sleeping. Let the accommodations remain as they are for another six or seven months to be sure your son doesn't change his mind.
After that, review the situation. If he is still living primarily at his father's, remind him that it has been a year since his departure and that you feel, in fairness, the child who is living with you should have the space. He may not like it, but unless he's entirely irrational, he will have to agree with the logic.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think about a man who refuses to be called Grandpa or Grandad?
My husband is 55 years old and has taught our three young grandchildren to call him "Mr. Dan" (his first name).
He says he cannot abide any form of "grandfather," because it makes him feel like an old man. I am disgusted by his vanity. We are expecting two more grandchildren this year.
What do you think about this? – HOPING TO CHANGE HIS MIND IN NEW YORK
DEAR HOPING: Your husband, surrounded by mounting evidence of his advancing age, appears to be obsessed with youth. If he thinks he can keep Father Time at bay by insisting the grandkids call him something other than "Grandpa" or "Grandad," he's kidding only himself.
Don't beat your head against a stone wall. Until your husband is ready to see this for himself, no one can change his mind.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Ties That Bind Father to Son Are Not Always Based on Blood
DEAR ABBY: You made some good points in your reply to "Used in North Carolina," who married his pregnant girlfriend and nine years later learned that his son was "not his own." This father resented that he was expected to take care of a child "who isn't even mine." However, you missed an important point. Because your column is so widely read, it's important to call attention to what it is that really makes a child "one's own."
I am a pediatrician. I interact with children from all sorts of families day in and day out. From a child's perspective, what makes a child "belong" to a parent is the emotional-psychological bond between parent and child. What makes a child emotionally healthy is the stability of that social bond. This emotional bond is essential for the child, regardless of biological relatedness. For the sake of our children, this cannot be left unsaid.
This man is the only father that child has ever known. It breaks my heart that he said, "I love this boy, but I don't feel he is my responsibility anymore ... I would like to live my life for myself and do what I want when I want, like his mother does." What does this "love" he professes mean if it doesn't mean taking responsibility? That boy needs his father. If his mother failed to love him, that's all the more reason why his father should not even consider letting him down.
It is, indeed, extremely difficult to be a single parent, especially if money is scarce. You're right to recognize his need for support and to connect him to Parents Without Partners. But you missed an important opportunity in advocacy for our children when you failed to directly call into question his assumption that only biological relatedness can make a child "one's own." Love is what makes us belong to each other. And love is about responsibility. -- CHILD ADVOCATE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CHILD ADVOCATE: You're right. Mea culpa. Please read on:
DEAR ABBY: I hope that young father decides to keep the boy and give him the love and care he needs. He should follow your advice and get family and friends to help so he can have time for himself. That's important. He should also, short of adoption, bind the child to himself in a legal way -- such as a conservatorship -- so the mother, who appears to be both mean and irresponsible, cannot later reclaim her son, creating a tragedy for both. I say "short of adoption" because, as a child whose birth father is deceased, according to the mother, he may be entitled to Social Security benefits that may go a long way in helping the young man raise the boy. Adoption might eliminate that eligibility.
I hope this is helpful. He seems like a person who knows the right thing to do. He just needs to figure out how to go about it. Someone did that for me when I was ... ORPHANED AT AGE 6, LAGUNA WOODS, CALIF.
DEAR LAGUNA: Thank you for the excellent input. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You've probably received a mountain of mail about this, but please inform that young father that God gives us opportunities to do good. What he's doing for his son may be the most important thing he does in his entire life.
He should ignore the DNA. It doesn't matter. Every smile that lights his son's face is part of his reward. There's a special place in heaven for a man who is the father he didn't have to be. My admiration and good wishes go out to him. -- ELLEN M., SAN DIMAS, CALIF.
DEAR ELLEN: And so do ours.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)