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Son Who Moves in With Dad Insists Mom Save His Place
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old son, "Mike," chose to move in with his father four months ago. He made this decision on his own. My lawyer advised me that he was old enough to make the decision, and that any judge would allow it, so I let him go. His father and I have been divorced for seven years. I am remarried, and besides Mike's 14-year-old sister, have a 5-year-old daughter with my new husband. Mike is extremely jealous of the 5-year-old.
We are severely cramped for space in our home and our 5-year-old's bedroom is ridiculously small -– in fact, we call it a "glorified hallway." Now Mike's room is sitting empty except for every other weekend when he visits. We would like to move our 5-year-old into Mike's vacant room; however, Mike is absolutely livid about it. He says it is "still his room," and he doesn't want anyone going into it when he's not there.
We could really use the space, Abby, but I don't want to push Mike further away. He says he is happy living at his dad's, but I am not so sure. I suspect that his insistence on keeping his room vacant is his way of making sure he has somewhere to go if things get bad at his dad's.
If we move our daughter into the empty room, we will still have somewhere for Mike to sleep when he comes for the weekend, as we have a sofa bed.
Should I go ahead and move my daughter into the empty room, or let Mike keep his "security blanket"? I feel that it is MY home, and I should do as I please. However, he is my son, and I love him and don't want to put any more distance between us. –- NO VACANCY IN INDIANA
DEAR NO VACANCY: If you give Mike's room to his sister, he truly will have no place to go if things don't work out at his father's. He will feel that you have slammed the door behind him, and it may affect the way he feels about you for years to come.
Your little girl is small, and she is used to the room in which she is now sleeping. Let the accommodations remain as they are for another six or seven months to be sure your son doesn't change his mind.
After that, review the situation. If he is still living primarily at his father's, remind him that it has been a year since his departure and that you feel, in fairness, the child who is living with you should have the space. He may not like it, but unless he's entirely irrational, he will have to agree with the logic.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think about a man who refuses to be called Grandpa or Grandad?
My husband is 55 years old and has taught our three young grandchildren to call him "Mr. Dan" (his first name).
He says he cannot abide any form of "grandfather," because it makes him feel like an old man. I am disgusted by his vanity. We are expecting two more grandchildren this year.
What do you think about this? – HOPING TO CHANGE HIS MIND IN NEW YORK
DEAR HOPING: Your husband, surrounded by mounting evidence of his advancing age, appears to be obsessed with youth. If he thinks he can keep Father Time at bay by insisting the grandkids call him something other than "Grandpa" or "Grandad," he's kidding only himself.
Don't beat your head against a stone wall. Until your husband is ready to see this for himself, no one can change his mind.
Ties That Bind Father to Son Are Not Always Based on Blood
DEAR ABBY: You made some good points in your reply to "Used in North Carolina," who married his pregnant girlfriend and nine years later learned that his son was "not his own." This father resented that he was expected to take care of a child "who isn't even mine." However, you missed an important point. Because your column is so widely read, it's important to call attention to what it is that really makes a child "one's own."
I am a pediatrician. I interact with children from all sorts of families day in and day out. From a child's perspective, what makes a child "belong" to a parent is the emotional-psychological bond between parent and child. What makes a child emotionally healthy is the stability of that social bond. This emotional bond is essential for the child, regardless of biological relatedness. For the sake of our children, this cannot be left unsaid.
This man is the only father that child has ever known. It breaks my heart that he said, "I love this boy, but I don't feel he is my responsibility anymore ... I would like to live my life for myself and do what I want when I want, like his mother does." What does this "love" he professes mean if it doesn't mean taking responsibility? That boy needs his father. If his mother failed to love him, that's all the more reason why his father should not even consider letting him down.
It is, indeed, extremely difficult to be a single parent, especially if money is scarce. You're right to recognize his need for support and to connect him to Parents Without Partners. But you missed an important opportunity in advocacy for our children when you failed to directly call into question his assumption that only biological relatedness can make a child "one's own." Love is what makes us belong to each other. And love is about responsibility. -- CHILD ADVOCATE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CHILD ADVOCATE: You're right. Mea culpa. Please read on:
DEAR ABBY: I hope that young father decides to keep the boy and give him the love and care he needs. He should follow your advice and get family and friends to help so he can have time for himself. That's important. He should also, short of adoption, bind the child to himself in a legal way -- such as a conservatorship -- so the mother, who appears to be both mean and irresponsible, cannot later reclaim her son, creating a tragedy for both. I say "short of adoption" because, as a child whose birth father is deceased, according to the mother, he may be entitled to Social Security benefits that may go a long way in helping the young man raise the boy. Adoption might eliminate that eligibility.
I hope this is helpful. He seems like a person who knows the right thing to do. He just needs to figure out how to go about it. Someone did that for me when I was ... ORPHANED AT AGE 6, LAGUNA WOODS, CALIF.
DEAR LAGUNA: Thank you for the excellent input. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You've probably received a mountain of mail about this, but please inform that young father that God gives us opportunities to do good. What he's doing for his son may be the most important thing he does in his entire life.
He should ignore the DNA. It doesn't matter. Every smile that lights his son's face is part of his reward. There's a special place in heaven for a man who is the father he didn't have to be. My admiration and good wishes go out to him. -- ELLEN M., SAN DIMAS, CALIF.
DEAR ELLEN: And so do ours.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR READERS: A Happy Valentine's Day to one and all! There may be snowdrifts on the ground or rain clouds in the forecast, but regardless of what the weatherman says, there's sunshine and springtime in our hearts.
So, be a sweetheart: Call someone who's alone to say, "I'm thinking about you." If you know someone who's in a nursing home, take some flowers. Put your discarded belongings in a box and call Goodwill. Donate some blood. Listen to your teen-ager. Tell your parents you think they're great. Tape a love note to his (or her) mirror. Forgive an enemy. Send a donation to Meals on Wheels or the Salvation Army.
And, if you love someone -- tell him (or her) now; please don't wait until next Valentine's Day to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman with a master's degree. I have a great job at an Internet company. Last summer, my closest friends and I traveled to three foreign countries, saw four plays, three baseball games, one soccer match and seven concerts. So what could possibly be the problem?
My family is concerned that I do not have a boyfriend. They can't understand how I can be 27 and unmarried, let alone without a "significant other." My father is worried that my "eggs will dry up"; my mother "only wants me to be happy." Mother calls only to ask if I am dating anyone, and when I tell her about my adventures, she always says it would be so much nicer with a boyfriend.
I know people have more serious problems, but this is something many single people deal with, and quite frankly, it is very frustrating. There are many more facets to my life than husband-hunting, but my parents aren't interested in anything else.
Abby, please tell your readers who are parents that a constant barrage of relationship questions every time they talk to their child is not going to make it happen any faster. When it does happen, we will joyfully tell them all about it. -- SINGLE AND PSYCHED IN HOBOKEN, N.J.
DEAR SINGLE AND PSYCHED: I'll go even further than you're asking me to. Parents who constantly harp on the "have you found a boyfriend (or girlfriend)" question subtly undermine their children's self-esteem, force them into a defensive posture, and reduce their likelihood of finding someone. People who are happy with their lives and proud of their accomplishments are far more attractive candidates for a meaningful relationship than those who are made to feel their achievements and interests are not important.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a single dad. My daughter just started pre-kindergarten this year. Here's my problem: My daughter's teacher is very attractive. She doesn't wear a wedding ring, seems to be very caring and has a great sense of humor. I would really like to take her out if she's available.
I can't seem to come up with any ideas on how to approach her without making us both uncomfortable. If she says no or that she's spoken for, seeing as how we'll be seeing each other every day, this could be awkward.
I haven't had these feelings for anyone in more than five years. Please help. -- STUCK IN NEW YORK
DEAR STUCK: If you've been out of circulation so long that you no longer know how to ask someone out, try this: Mention a play or sporting event and ask if she'd like to go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Attraction is usually a two-way street.
If you're concerned about possible embarrassment, wait until closer to the end of the school session.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)