Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Family of Christmas Loner Won't Leave Him in Peace
DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old divorced man with no children. I have lived alone since my divorce 15 years ago and wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not anti-social. I have a steady girlfriend and many friends.
My problem is my family at Christmastime. Nobody in our family is particularly religious, so during family gatherings the holiday is not celebrated in the spiritual sense. Frankly, I find the "Ho, Ho, Ho" aspect of the holiday overblown and am relieved when it is over. I prefer to spend Christmas Day reading, catching up on home repairs, or -- weather permitting -- cross-country skiing or ice fishing.
My family insists I must get together with them simply because it's Christmas. I live within a half-hour of all of them and can get together with them whenever I like. However, they cannot accept the fact that I am not a "Christmas guy." (I still give nice gifts to all the kids and chip in on a big gift for my parents.)
My girlfriend accepts my decision and celebrates with her family, although deep down I suspect my "Grinchiness" does bother her.
Abby, I mean no disrespect and wish them all a merry Christmas, but how can I convince them that I prefer to spend the holidays alone? -- CHRISTMAS LONER AND LOVING IT
DEAR CHRISTMAS LONER: It may be difficult to do, because your perception of a merry Christmas is so different from theirs, and your attitude isn't shared by the majority of people. What you have failed to consider is the fact that Christmas is traditionally a family holiday -- and to your parents and siblings (and your girlfriend), you are an important part of the family picture.
However, since you are uncomfortable with the family celebrations, tell your relatives that this is your quirk and you expect them to respect it. Eventually, they'll get over their disappointment. Enjoy your home repairs, cross-country skiing and ice fishing, and in the words of the Bard, "... to thine own self be true."
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years and was delighted to read another of your "pennies from heaven" letters from Lisa Angilano of Berea, Ohio, concerning her brother who was killed in a car crash. I also lost a brother last year in a car accident.
After reading the paper, I went to my usual morning Mass and decided to ask the Lord to let me know if my brother was in heaven, along with a sister and my mother who had also passed away.
I prayed to find some pennies from heaven to let me know. Later that morning, I went to the post office and when I came out, I found three pennies clustered together in an empty parking space next to my car. I was moved to tears. Now I know they are all there. -- GRATEFUL IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GRATEFUL: If you had any misgivings, I'm pleased they were put to rest. Your experience proves the truth of the saying, "When in doubt, send money!"
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Neighborhood Charity Project Spreads Joy to Those in Need
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your column about appropriate gifts for seniors. Like many families, we, too, have wrestled with the "what do we get for people who have everything?" gift dilemma. Last year, our family finally hit upon a solution. We discussed it with our grandparents. They agreed that it would be more charitable for us to give something to people who lack everyday necessities.
We adopted a battered children's shelter. Those little ones are truly refugees. They need everything from toothbrushes and hairbrushes to baby formula and diapers -- not to mention toys and games.
To our delight, our neighbors got involved in our project, too. For weeks, on Thursdays, neighbors would leave donations in a sack by their mailbox, and we would pick them up. Our goal was for every child in that shelter to wake up on Christmas morning to find packages of necessities and a few playthings.
The project created so much excitement among our neighbors that we collected enough for two shelters. There were pillows, socks, underwear, bath products, cold medicines, books, towels, baby clothes, etc. Each child also got a large gift basket, including a nonbreakable tree ornament to help him or her remember this holiday. The cost was small when spread over so many families, but the rewards couldn't have been greater. We felt our project embodied the true spirit of Christmas. It sensitized our children to the needs of others all year long.
Because it was one of the best holidays we have ever had, we're repeating the drive again this year. When people join together, everyone CAN make a difference. -- SANTA'S HELPERS IN PHOENIX
DEAR SANTA'S HELPERS: They certainly can. Witness the incredible amounts of money raised by the Red Cross and the fund for the families of the people who perished in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.
With that in mind, I hope that readers will be sensitive to the needs of charities in their local communities this year. Because monies that would ordinarily have been donated to local charities were diverted to the East Coast tragedies, many charities in other parts of the country are having difficulty raising enough to meet their budgets for 2001. Remember, folks, charity begins at home -- and by that I mean the communities in which you dwell.
DEAR ABBY: You should be arrested for printing that hilarious story about Bud the St. Bernard. While I was driving alone on the freeway, I remembered reading about him in your column and began to laugh hysterically. I'm sure the other drivers thought I was mad!
What a dog! The woman who was stared down by Bud didn't get the message. For some reason, Bud didn't approve of her and cleverly spooked her away. That great animal should run for office. -- STILL LAUGHING, ENCINO, CALIF.
DEAR STILL LAUGHING: Whether Bud approved of her is beside the point. The woman was a guest in his owner's house. As long as the owner is home -- and presumably in charge -- the owner is supposed to be the one who decides who is welcome.
If Bud had been my dog and pulled that routine, he would have found himself in the doghouse in more ways than one.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Memory Book Keeps Deceased Parent Alive for Years Ahead
DEAR ABBY: I would like to utilize your column to reach adult relatives of the children who lost a parent in the terrorist attack of Sept. 11.
I lost my father when I was 9. He was killed in a fire as he repaired his semi. He was a young 32 years old, with five children. My mother was 27.
What my mother did 30 years ago was to keep the memory of my dad alive for us by saving his cologne, so we could remember his smell; his favorite jacket and winter coat, so we could wear them to keep us warm; his favorite albums and 8-track tapes, so we could hear his favorite songs that he loved to sing to us. I was also given a diary and photo album to put down my memories and mount my favorite photos. However, I was foolish. I didn't write down my memories because I thought I would always remember them. Those memories have faded, and now I search for those precious moments.
The surviving parent should have the children keep those precious memories fresh by writing a journal, or filling a scrapbook with things like a wrapper from the deceased parent's favorite candy bar, his or her favorite color, favorite food, way of comforting the children, where he or she liked to take them -- vacations as well as the park -- and articles from the local paper. When a friend or relative sends a condolence card, that person should include a memory of the child's parent, and any photos that could be included in the memory album. If there is more than one child, make separate albums for each, and ask them to draw or write those memories before they fade (all too quickly).
I did this for my siblings when I was 36 years old, so we each have a way to share with our families what their grandfather was like, and how their mother or father resembled him.
Thank you for helping me to help the children. -- KIM DUETSCH, DAUGHTER OF GEORGE H. DUETSCH
DEAR KIM: Your letter is filled with excellent suggestions. However, it's possible that the surviving parents of the Sept. 11 tragedy may be too overwhelmed with their own grief and loss to be as organized and involved as your mother was. If that's the case, assembling a memory book such as you describe would be a priceless gift of love from a close friend or relative -- and a timely one, with Christmas approaching.
DEAR ABBY: For more than 20 years, my husband and I have been giving gifts to his nephew, "Barry." Barry and his family live 1,300 miles away from us. We haven't seen any of them since Barry was 11. We rarely hear from him or his parents except on occasions when we're asked to send a gift. We have never received a thank-you from Barry, other than his endorsement on our check. Now Barry is being married.
My husband and I made a large contribution in the names of the bridal couple to a national charity we care about. We also sent a lovely card congratulating them and telling them about our gift. We hope this will honor the occasion, do some good for people in need, and stem the tide of gift requests. What do you think? -- NOT BUYING IT IN COLORADO
DEAR NOT BUYING IT: Don't count on it. If the pattern holds true, you'll be hearing from Barry or his parents every time a new child arrives and on their birthdays and graduations as well. However, revenge is sweet. By giving them the gift you did, you have guaranteed they'll be solicited by that charity and others till the end of time.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)